i don't care anymore what people think of me. i won't care anymore what people think of me. i just can't anymore.

i want to stop listing everything special that happens & making it stop being special. i want to live in the moment. i want to be someone that tells the truth. i want to be someone who is sick of lying to themself. i want to shout what God's done for the world. i want to save someone. i want to stop worrying.

because a lifetime is nothing compared to eternity.

why should i care what happens everyday or why should i cover myself with lies to make me feel better & why should i hold back & just not care about anyone ?

i want to do something. God should hate me. i adore his creations. i totally reject him. ii think that my family & friends' opinions matter more than the God who created them.

the thoughts i have are sometimes so dark that it hurts me to think them. i hurt God. i hurt others. i hurt myself. i can't seem to stop. i just add to everything that's wrong with the world. i should hate myself but, instead, i love myself. i'm selfish & i love God's gifts but i even forget they're his & i'm his.

i feel crazily exposed because i just realised that everything i think and do, God sees. my creator sees.
he sees when i cringe away from telling someone what i think.
he sees when i fall & pretend i never did.
he sees when i reject & hate others- my own brothers & sisters around me.
he sees when i hate him even though i can't even see it in myself.

i want to, not just say, but do. act. & i say this all the time but i really need to do something now. i might just be gabbling on again; i might not understand what i'm saying. & i might be telling the truth. i need to believe & stop worrying about a tiny scrap of time called life & look at eternity.

God made me. God made eternity. God made me see this. God made everything i worship more than him. i need to stop editing my thoughts and words & ask God to use me to speak truthfully.

i have to stop lying to myself about everything. like everything everything. i have to see through all the crap in the media & in others. the world is more messed up than anyone knows. the thoughts i have that maybe i really don't trust in GOd, people scream out loud & are proud of themselves for it. some people worship themselves. everything about 'believing in ourselves' & 'needing others to love you' are the diguises for selfishness & neediness.

only God knows. it's so hard for us to even tell the truth to ourselves. especially me. it's so hard for us to see the fault in ourselves. God knew who we were going to be, how we were going to act, what we were going to go through, before he even created the world. his plan was that big. his plan wasn't an impromptu thing just because God was bored. God will judge us for everything that's ever happened in us. the secrets nobody else knows will be flooded out in front of him.

the truth is that i deserve worse than hell. literally. i don't even deserve hell. i can't even believe that i respected & thought about what the world thought about me. i can't believe that i was that blind & stupid. & subconciously, maybe i even thought God could forgive me simply because he was God & God is merciful or i was okay enough to be forgiven. but God is angry at me.
he hates my sin. he hates my thoughts. he hates my words. he hates my actions. he loves me.
& if you take all that away, i might be absolutely nothing.
but he loves me. he died for me. he created me. i was bought for the highest price- God's own blood. the blood that should be mine. so i am valuable.

i look at the people around me & laugh at them when they say this but don't follow it. they think they are special because they know something exclusive & are trusted by someone. they think they are special because they have a talent. they think they are special because they have something no one else does. & then i realise i'm exactly like the people around me; everyone in the world.

what God did for me doesn't even begin to cover it. he made me special. i can't cover it. i'm human. but i know i'm saved. 100%. without a doubt. no arguement. period. end of story. i am GOD's. i'm a Christian.

much too scared to watch passion of the Christ so i'll stick with video clips ; i think i'm chicken, i admit it yeah.

i don't care anymore what people think of me. i won't care anymore what people think of me. i just can't anymore.

i want to stop listing everything special that happens & making it stop being special. i want to live in the moment. i want to be someone that tells the truth. i want to be someone who is sick of lying to themself. i want to shout what God's done for the world. i want to save someone. i want to stop worrying.

because a lifetime is nothing compared to eternity.

why should i care what happens everyday or why should i cover myself with lies to make me feel better & why should i hold back & just not care about anyone ?

i want to do something. God should hate me. i adore his creations. i totally reject him. ii think that my family & friends' opinions matter more than the God who created them.

the thoughts i have are sometimes so dark that it hurts me to think them. i hurt God. i hurt others. i hurt myself. i can't seem to stop. i just add to everything that's wrong with the world. i should hate myself but, instead, i love myself. i'm selfish & i love God's gifts but i even forget they're his & i'm his.

i feel crazily exposed because i just realised that everything i think and do, God sees. my creator sees.
he sees when i cringe away from telling someone what i think.
he sees when i fall & pretend i never did.
he sees when i reject & hate others- my own brothers & sisters around me.
he sees when i hate him even though i can't even see it in myself.

i want to, not just say, but do. act. & i say this all the time but i really need to do something now. i might just be gabbling on again; i might not understand what i'm saying. & i might be telling the truth. i need to believe & stop worrying about a tiny scrap of time called life & look at eternity.

God made me. God made eternity. God made me see this. God made everything i worship more than him. i need to stop editing my thoughts and words & ask God to use me to speak truthfully.

i have to stop lying to myself about everything. like everything everything. i have to see through all the crap in the media & in others. the world is more messed up than anyone knows. the thoughts i have that maybe i really don't trust in GOd, people scream out loud & are proud of themselves for it. some people worship themselves. everything about 'believing in ourselves' & 'needing others to love you' are the diguises for selfishness & neediness.

only God knows. it's so hard for us to even tell the truth to ourselves. especially me. it's so hard for us to see the fault in ourselves. God knew who we were going to be, how we were going to act, what we were going to go through, before he even created the world. his plan was that big. his plan wasn't an impromptu thing just because God was bored. God will judge us for everything that's ever happened in us. the secrets nobody else knows will be flooded out in front of him.

the truth is that i deserve worse than hell. literally. i don't even deserve hell. i can't even believe that i respected & thought about what the world thought about me. i can't believe that i was that blind & stupid. & subconciously, maybe i even thought God could forgive me simply because he was God & God is merciful or i was okay enough to be forgiven. but God is angry at me.
he hates my sin. he hates my thoughts. he hates my words. he hates my actions. he loves me.
& if you take all that away, i might be absolutely nothing.
but he loves me. he died for me. he created me. i was bought for the highest price- God's own blood. the blood that should be mine. so i am valuable.

i look at the people around me & laugh at them when they say this but don't follow it. they think they are special because they know something exclusive & are trusted by someone. they think they are special because they have a talent. they think they are special because they have something no one else does. & then i realise i'm exactly like the people around me; everyone in the world.

what God did for me doesn't even begin to cover it. he made me special. i can't cover it. i'm human. but i know i'm saved. 100%. without a doubt. no arguement. period. end of story. i am GOD's. i'm a Christian.

much too scared to watch passion of the Christ so i'll stick with video clips ; i think i'm chicken, i admit it yeah.