well duuh.
but it never hits me exactly how much. i've thought about this for years on how i'd just fall apart if i lost anyone [my family especially].
even the thought of it got me shocked as if i'd had a heart attack or whatever.
but i'd seriously not survive if someone important in my life just disappeared.
i'm a really neurotic, freaks-out-if-everything's-not-perfect type person
& if i lost someone, everything would be chaos. complete chaos.
in fact, i'd probably never do anything again & die of grief.
& i always knew that, yeah.
especially because we're fragile, there are million things that could kill us. it wouldn't take that much. it's on the news all the time, like those stupid car accidents & drugs & everything.
i get scared of car accidents especially. yeah, i'm scared of cars.
so 2 days ago when mum went to drop sarah off at college & she was like 30min late of coming home. the thought of a car accident immediately hit me obviously. so i called 10 times & no one picked up. i paced around, going crazy, screaming at random moments in an empty house. i flicked through phone numbers & it was so damn paranoid & idiotic of me but i was that scared. yeah, depressing & crazy thoughts everywhere.
i screamed & threw stuff around.
but eventually mum came home.
it made me realise how dependant i was on everyone around me;. & i was shocked, i bet my blood pressure was pretty high. but it took me that long to calm down. & then everything was normal.
but in the space of half an hour, i'd managed to go from normal to completely mental & back to normal again. it still scares me & i'm more paranoid than ever. i'm a Christian so i should have full trust in God. usually, i think i do. but the subconcious fears break in all the time over these tiny things. God has control in everything so i'm not sure if that means i'm doubting God. it'd scare me if i do because that's so not right to doubt the One who created time, the universe & everything in it. i'm confused.

well duuh.
but it never hits me exactly how much. i've thought about this for years on how i'd just fall apart if i lost anyone [my family especially].
even the thought of it got me shocked as if i'd had a heart attack or whatever.
but i'd seriously not survive if someone important in my life just disappeared.
i'm a really neurotic, freaks-out-if-everything's-not-perfect type person
& if i lost someone, everything would be chaos. complete chaos.
in fact, i'd probably never do anything again & die of grief.
& i always knew that, yeah.
especially because we're fragile, there are million things that could kill us. it wouldn't take that much. it's on the news all the time, like those stupid car accidents & drugs & everything.
i get scared of car accidents especially. yeah, i'm scared of cars.
so 2 days ago when mum went to drop sarah off at college & she was like 30min late of coming home. the thought of a car accident immediately hit me obviously. so i called 10 times & no one picked up. i paced around, going crazy, screaming at random moments in an empty house. i flicked through phone numbers & it was so damn paranoid & idiotic of me but i was that scared. yeah, depressing & crazy thoughts everywhere.
i screamed & threw stuff around.
but eventually mum came home.
it made me realise how dependant i was on everyone around me;. & i was shocked, i bet my blood pressure was pretty high. but it took me that long to calm down. & then everything was normal.
but in the space of half an hour, i'd managed to go from normal to completely mental & back to normal again. it still scares me & i'm more paranoid than ever. i'm a Christian so i should have full trust in God. usually, i think i do. but the subconcious fears break in all the time over these tiny things. God has control in everything so i'm not sure if that means i'm doubting God. it'd scare me if i do because that's so not right to doubt the One who created time, the universe & everything in it. i'm confused.