Just watched "Chloe" which I got off Celia today, mediocre storyline but still surprised me and kind of not the sort of thing you want to watch before you go to sleep. Also, don't want to be seen as a homophobic or anything but, in my opinion, parts of it were just disgusting and it was really creepy.

Anyway, back to my letter writing. I'm really bad at this.

Letter 18 — The person that you wish you could be

I'm not going to a letter about this one but I'll talk about something this letter reminded me of. It's just stupid but I will say that I am, without a doubt, the most insecure person I know. I wish I could really be as I pretend to be- kind of carefree & a little sped- but I always come through anyway with my complaining and depressed moods and panicking. I wish I could be what I try to pretend to be and I wish I could love myself. No matter what anyone else thinks, if you've got that, you're happy.

This is sort of what I wanted to say in response to Sarah's blog posts about how she never feels good enough and I always roll my eyes and yell at her to shut up because she's so pretty and talented as it is- because, in my opinion, she actually has no reason to be or think that way and then I realised that when she used me as an example of someone she compares herself to on her formspring, we all think that we're worse than each other. Us, teenage girls, we're all a cycle of insecurities, comparisons and trying to keep it together all the time. We all feel ugly and stupid and alone at times and our lives are comprised of cringe-worthy moments. As a whole, we're a mess; we're like humanity's PMS. I realised I was a hypocrite because I understand that feeling of being inadequate so well. If we all believed the nice opinions of other people who judge us, we would be a happy bunch. I admire the rare people who can genuinely forget to care about everything they lack and everything they want to be because, for me at least, it's such a big list. It feels like I'm just entering the awkward stage late and will exit it much later than everyone else. There is no part of me that I don't want to change but I also know that I'll learn to accept everything and feel good about myself once I've grown up a little.

I swear, when entering high school, the one thing I promised myself was that I wouldn't become a part of all that stupid teenage stuff and I kept it to an extent but broke it for the stupidest things. I keep feeling like I'm slipping behind and I feel like I can't let it out at all or catch up. I feel so behind and so imperfect that I would rather just ignore everything but, instead, I say that I want to start a new year. I'm going to conscious efforts to be more positive and break out of whatever I've built around me. And this is one of the first steps I'm going to take- I can't write a letter to the person I want to be because she is impossible and probably non-existent.

Just watched "Chloe" which I got off Celia today, mediocre storyline but still surprised me and kind of not the sort of thing you want to watch before you go to sleep. Also, don't want to be seen as a homophobic or anything but, in my opinion, parts of it were just disgusting and it was really creepy.

Anyway, back to my letter writing. I'm really bad at this.

Letter 18 — The person that you wish you could be

I'm not going to a letter about this one but I'll talk about something this letter reminded me of. It's just stupid but I will say that I am, without a doubt, the most insecure person I know. I wish I could really be as I pretend to be- kind of carefree & a little sped- but I always come through anyway with my complaining and depressed moods and panicking. I wish I could be what I try to pretend to be and I wish I could love myself. No matter what anyone else thinks, if you've got that, you're happy.

This is sort of what I wanted to say in response to Sarah's blog posts about how she never feels good enough and I always roll my eyes and yell at her to shut up because she's so pretty and talented as it is- because, in my opinion, she actually has no reason to be or think that way and then I realised that when she used me as an example of someone she compares herself to on her formspring, we all think that we're worse than each other. Us, teenage girls, we're all a cycle of insecurities, comparisons and trying to keep it together all the time. We all feel ugly and stupid and alone at times and our lives are comprised of cringe-worthy moments. As a whole, we're a mess; we're like humanity's PMS. I realised I was a hypocrite because I understand that feeling of being inadequate so well. If we all believed the nice opinions of other people who judge us, we would be a happy bunch. I admire the rare people who can genuinely forget to care about everything they lack and everything they want to be because, for me at least, it's such a big list. It feels like I'm just entering the awkward stage late and will exit it much later than everyone else. There is no part of me that I don't want to change but I also know that I'll learn to accept everything and feel good about myself once I've grown up a little.

I swear, when entering high school, the one thing I promised myself was that I wouldn't become a part of all that stupid teenage stuff and I kept it to an extent but broke it for the stupidest things. I keep feeling like I'm slipping behind and I feel like I can't let it out at all or catch up. I feel so behind and so imperfect that I would rather just ignore everything but, instead, I say that I want to start a new year. I'm going to conscious efforts to be more positive and break out of whatever I've built around me. And this is one of the first steps I'm going to take- I can't write a letter to the person I want to be because she is impossible and probably non-existent.