Today, I told my mum to stop smiling so big and weirdly in the morning because someone was watching and her face sort of crumpled. I felt terrible and guilty for so long after that. I would've cried as I overanalysed and regretted saying something so despicable. That is, if I could cry. I should be happy that she's smiling in the first place. My mum deserves so much better. I hated myself the moment I said it. I should've just left her to smile.

It's like that with so many people lately. Maybe it's just an awkward teenage phase I'm going through or maybe I've just always pretended to be nice but I'm so mean without thinking and I can't help but think if I've accidentally hurt people with my words without even noticing. Don't think I'm weird because I know what I said to my mother doesn't sound like such a big deal but I can't believe I said that this morning and it wasn't really unusual, now I realise, I've been angrier and said much worse things than that but it was the first time I realised that I am actually a selfish and entirely ugly person. I hate hurting someone I love the most but it's like I can't stop myself. So, I tried to make it up and be cheerful and nice but it was really hard- as if I was forcing it. It happens when you don't think about anyone but yourself and that's been me lately.

And to some people, I honestly don't care anymore, I like most people but now, I don't want to have to effort to pretend to be talkative or quiet or anything for anyone anymore. I've lost the energy to pretend. I think that's a good thing (: And for the people I actually care about and hurt, like my family and friends, I'm guilty and I want to say sorry so much but I'm scared that I won't like whatever comes out of my mouth. I seriously can't live with my personality at the moment. It's like I'm bipolar. I'm learning though. It's a new experience, having to want to change yourself for the first time and realising that you have an effect on how someone feels. It sort of came from someone who I don't even know very well insulting me however they liked and expecting me to laugh along with them. It made me think if I was that person who insults others without thinking about how they feel or if I was that person who never talked about anything but themselves or that insanely obnoxious person who does both at the same time. So, I'm genuinely sorry if I've been like this in some way because I know I definitely owe a lot of people apologies and I will do a lot to make it up to you. When I say I've been feeling depressed or demotivated, it might have something to do with hating the way I'm acting or how disconnected I feel from everyone.

So, time to change myself and be who I am, just having a fun time along the way.

With that being said, got all the formal stuff sorted out [ebay dress, chyeaah, and shoes after shopping with mum and Sarah]. Dad came back from Chicago and his friend and adorable 6 year old daughter is coming from Korea to live in Australia for 2 years which I'm more excited for than formal and camp put together. Dad brought Sarah and I presents that cost actual money ! SHOCKHORROR. They were beautiful jewellry [I got an infinity sign necklace and earrings and Sarah got fairy shaped ones] and sportwatches.

Time to sleep. Good night, awesome reader who made it to the bottom of this completely disjointed, before-midnight rambling.

Today, I told my mum to stop smiling so big and weirdly in the morning because someone was watching and her face sort of crumpled. I felt terrible and guilty for so long after that. I would've cried as I overanalysed and regretted saying something so despicable. That is, if I could cry. I should be happy that she's smiling in the first place. My mum deserves so much better. I hated myself the moment I said it. I should've just left her to smile.

It's like that with so many people lately. Maybe it's just an awkward teenage phase I'm going through or maybe I've just always pretended to be nice but I'm so mean without thinking and I can't help but think if I've accidentally hurt people with my words without even noticing. Don't think I'm weird because I know what I said to my mother doesn't sound like such a big deal but I can't believe I said that this morning and it wasn't really unusual, now I realise, I've been angrier and said much worse things than that but it was the first time I realised that I am actually a selfish and entirely ugly person. I hate hurting someone I love the most but it's like I can't stop myself. So, I tried to make it up and be cheerful and nice but it was really hard- as if I was forcing it. It happens when you don't think about anyone but yourself and that's been me lately.

And to some people, I honestly don't care anymore, I like most people but now, I don't want to have to effort to pretend to be talkative or quiet or anything for anyone anymore. I've lost the energy to pretend. I think that's a good thing (: And for the people I actually care about and hurt, like my family and friends, I'm guilty and I want to say sorry so much but I'm scared that I won't like whatever comes out of my mouth. I seriously can't live with my personality at the moment. It's like I'm bipolar. I'm learning though. It's a new experience, having to want to change yourself for the first time and realising that you have an effect on how someone feels. It sort of came from someone who I don't even know very well insulting me however they liked and expecting me to laugh along with them. It made me think if I was that person who insults others without thinking about how they feel or if I was that person who never talked about anything but themselves or that insanely obnoxious person who does both at the same time. So, I'm genuinely sorry if I've been like this in some way because I know I definitely owe a lot of people apologies and I will do a lot to make it up to you. When I say I've been feeling depressed or demotivated, it might have something to do with hating the way I'm acting or how disconnected I feel from everyone.

So, time to change myself and be who I am, just having a fun time along the way.

With that being said, got all the formal stuff sorted out [ebay dress, chyeaah, and shoes after shopping with mum and Sarah]. Dad came back from Chicago and his friend and adorable 6 year old daughter is coming from Korea to live in Australia for 2 years which I'm more excited for than formal and camp put together. Dad brought Sarah and I presents that cost actual money ! SHOCKHORROR. They were beautiful jewellry [I got an infinity sign necklace and earrings and Sarah got fairy shaped ones] and sportwatches.

Time to sleep. Good night, awesome reader who made it to the bottom of this completely disjointed, before-midnight rambling.