Exams brought something back to me. Today, I honestly just wanted to punch myself in the face. Honestly. Not because I did badly [although I did by the way] but because of how much I cared about them. I know that you're thinking that I'm only saying I don't care because I did badly. And that's true but you also have no idea how grateful I am right now that I did do badly. I'm not even talking about improvements or realising my need to do better. If I had gotten good marks, I would've just been happy, academically shallow and high the whole day but getting the marks that I did made me realise that I need to get my priorities straight. NO NOT STUDY PRIORITIES- CHARACTER PRIORITIES. I have been living in a bubble and in that bubble, I haven't learnt what's really important. And, yes, it would be cool if it was an actual bubble but it's not and that's bad.

Today I was talking to someone and I just sighed and went "well, it's not the end of the world" [and that was just one of my more positive moments] and most of the people I said that to were either like "IT EFFING IS" or "yeah, you're right. There's always HSC". And then it hit me that lots of us couldn't see past that- past the success, or the career or even the atar. We all have things we want to have and be but we're completely missing out on life and I'm not going to pretend I know what that it is but I know we're definitely missing out on something if all we care about is a number we got on a test. And that's all I've been caring about for some time as well. That mark is not a symbol of your degree of intelligence or even how hard you worked- it's just something that we feel we need to depend on to be worth something. It always changes, it will never always be there for you and even if you consider it as a stepping stone to something greater, that something greater won't always be there for you either. I'm not even saying it to soften the blow for some people or make people feel better. It is the truth. EXCUSE THE MASSIVE CLICHE but I can't figure out how to put it better. This is the real truth. In the end, nothing and no one will be with you. There's nothing you can take but your soul and if your soul is always about coming first or never being good enough, then why were you ever alive in the first place? There are some people [approximately 99% of the nearly 7 billion people in the world] who don't have the opportunities we do so why are we bickering and competing amongst ourselves? There is something bigger than marks- HSC [LOL, this part is quoted from many lovely but confused Ruse kids]. There is something bigger than the HSC- love and life. There is something bigger than love and life- eternity.

So first I was disappointed and depressed but then I became disappointed in myself for caring so much. I don't ever want to be the sort of person that bases their lives on exam marks and lives to compare themselves against others. I guess this is a similar post to what Angela said a few months ago about trying hard, not for the mark, but because learning is a good thing and how she wants experiences more than achievements. I did understand that but I guess I didn't really believe in it because I was caught up with marks and achievements. But now, I've slowed down and realised what's more important and it's really fulfilling. I've got new goals now. I mean, really, isn't it a good thing that my personal meaning of life doesn't depend on a number? How pointless and unworthy is a number to determine whether I'm smiling or measure how good I am. What I'm saying is that I would give up very few things to have a bigger number scrawled on my test. Everyone who did well deserved it but we all need to see further than that. It is fair and everything is already set out for me, my entire life, so I would be extremely arrogant if I thought I had any influence over it. I just can't believe God had to fail me in this tiny exam for me to see it.

ALSO, MUCH MORE IMPORTANTLY.

HAPPY 43RD BIRTHDAY, DEAR MUM. I LOVE YOU LIKE NO DAUGHTER HAS EVER LOVED THEIR MOTHER.


After Lean Teens, Dad came home and for Mum's birthday, we went out to the city to eat at Nick's Seafood Restaurant [been there only once before] and it was extremely delicious. We ordered two steaks, a mussel platter [with the yummiest tomato/chilli stew/sauce in the world] and a cold seafood plate. It was so carefree, chilly but with perfect warmth, and sharing it with the most precious people in the world to me was the greatest feeling. I gave Mum a "mum" necklace that I bought like a year ago and Sarah and I wrote her birthday card on the car ride there. She caught us trying to do it quietly but we just went "SSH, TURN BACK AROUND. YOU SAW NOTHING". Also on the car ride, Sarah started annoyingly counting in Japanese...ALL THE WAY TO 50. Then she put on this even more annoying cutsie voice and asked Mum questions in Jap and because Mum had studied it to the highest level for all of high school, she kept answering. But then eventually Sarah got shut up by all of us. Darling Harbour is so familiar but it never fails to make me happy; the food and lights and just walking in the drizzle was so so lovely. Mum wouldn't let me take a photo of her but I managed to sneak a few from the back and I got one of Sarah and Dad. Today was amazing and I would not change a thing about it.

Exams brought something back to me. Today, I honestly just wanted to punch myself in the face. Honestly. Not because I did badly [although I did by the way] but because of how much I cared about them. I know that you're thinking that I'm only saying I don't care because I did badly. And that's true but you also have no idea how grateful I am right now that I did do badly. I'm not even talking about improvements or realising my need to do better. If I had gotten good marks, I would've just been happy, academically shallow and high the whole day but getting the marks that I did made me realise that I need to get my priorities straight. NO NOT STUDY PRIORITIES- CHARACTER PRIORITIES. I have been living in a bubble and in that bubble, I haven't learnt what's really important. And, yes, it would be cool if it was an actual bubble but it's not and that's bad.

Today I was talking to someone and I just sighed and went "well, it's not the end of the world" [and that was just one of my more positive moments] and most of the people I said that to were either like "IT EFFING IS" or "yeah, you're right. There's always HSC". And then it hit me that lots of us couldn't see past that- past the success, or the career or even the atar. We all have things we want to have and be but we're completely missing out on life and I'm not going to pretend I know what that it is but I know we're definitely missing out on something if all we care about is a number we got on a test. And that's all I've been caring about for some time as well. That mark is not a symbol of your degree of intelligence or even how hard you worked- it's just something that we feel we need to depend on to be worth something. It always changes, it will never always be there for you and even if you consider it as a stepping stone to something greater, that something greater won't always be there for you either. I'm not even saying it to soften the blow for some people or make people feel better. It is the truth. EXCUSE THE MASSIVE CLICHE but I can't figure out how to put it better. This is the real truth. In the end, nothing and no one will be with you. There's nothing you can take but your soul and if your soul is always about coming first or never being good enough, then why were you ever alive in the first place? There are some people [approximately 99% of the nearly 7 billion people in the world] who don't have the opportunities we do so why are we bickering and competing amongst ourselves? There is something bigger than marks- HSC [LOL, this part is quoted from many lovely but confused Ruse kids]. There is something bigger than the HSC- love and life. There is something bigger than love and life- eternity.

So first I was disappointed and depressed but then I became disappointed in myself for caring so much. I don't ever want to be the sort of person that bases their lives on exam marks and lives to compare themselves against others. I guess this is a similar post to what Angela said a few months ago about trying hard, not for the mark, but because learning is a good thing and how she wants experiences more than achievements. I did understand that but I guess I didn't really believe in it because I was caught up with marks and achievements. But now, I've slowed down and realised what's more important and it's really fulfilling. I've got new goals now. I mean, really, isn't it a good thing that my personal meaning of life doesn't depend on a number? How pointless and unworthy is a number to determine whether I'm smiling or measure how good I am. What I'm saying is that I would give up very few things to have a bigger number scrawled on my test. Everyone who did well deserved it but we all need to see further than that. It is fair and everything is already set out for me, my entire life, so I would be extremely arrogant if I thought I had any influence over it. I just can't believe God had to fail me in this tiny exam for me to see it.

ALSO, MUCH MORE IMPORTANTLY.

HAPPY 43RD BIRTHDAY, DEAR MUM. I LOVE YOU LIKE NO DAUGHTER HAS EVER LOVED THEIR MOTHER.


After Lean Teens, Dad came home and for Mum's birthday, we went out to the city to eat at Nick's Seafood Restaurant [been there only once before] and it was extremely delicious. We ordered two steaks, a mussel platter [with the yummiest tomato/chilli stew/sauce in the world] and a cold seafood plate. It was so carefree, chilly but with perfect warmth, and sharing it with the most precious people in the world to me was the greatest feeling. I gave Mum a "mum" necklace that I bought like a year ago and Sarah and I wrote her birthday card on the car ride there. She caught us trying to do it quietly but we just went "SSH, TURN BACK AROUND. YOU SAW NOTHING". Also on the car ride, Sarah started annoyingly counting in Japanese...ALL THE WAY TO 50. Then she put on this even more annoying cutsie voice and asked Mum questions in Jap and because Mum had studied it to the highest level for all of high school, she kept answering. But then eventually Sarah got shut up by all of us. Darling Harbour is so familiar but it never fails to make me happy; the food and lights and just walking in the drizzle was so so lovely. Mum wouldn't let me take a photo of her but I managed to sneak a few from the back and I got one of Sarah and Dad. Today was amazing and I would not change a thing about it.