Well, the page views have skyrocketed for some reason [by skyrocketed, I mean, reached more than 1 :P]. Stop stalkers, stop.

Also, I keep starting all these posts then realise I have no idea where I'm going with them so now there are a couple drafts that make no sense whatsoever but somehow exploded out during those moments of frustration or boredom. So here are a couple from late nights, wondering what I'm even doing with my life.

So enjoy these snippets of draft I never bothered posting.

...

Anyways, I've been trying to write an essay intro for Blankenstein and Fraderunner for about 5 hours now & everything seems to have left me. Also, I'd just like to reiterate what a stupid movie Bladerunner is. I mean, it has no real plot, just a lot of darkness, murmuring & racist Asian references, the replicants look like drug addicts at the best of times, Deckard practically rapes Rachael [seriously, who falls for that], Pris does that weird eye twitching thing that freaks me out & has a strangely sadistic relationship with Roy who, weirdly, tries to kill Deckard then saves him right after holding what looks like a dead dove in his hands & before crying in the rain. Also, the unicorn symbolism is not really symbolism if it has no clear significance. I'd rather write an essay on Twilight.. like far out. I'd just like to sue Ridley Scott. I think I'd have a pretty strong case. I also can't sleep either which is why I'm here and.. yeah. I've been considering a lot of things this weekend & have changed my mind about quite a few of them as well but that doesn't change the fact that I'll always be scared. Because I'm ridiculous like that.

Today, I saw my sister cry about something other than not getting what she wants for dinner & it scared me more than if I saw my parents cry [not that they ever do]. Maybe she's not the always emotionless, always dependable, always level-headed kid I thought she was. I swear she never talks about her problems, even to me. I kind of feel like I failed as the older sister to see her vulnerability & weaknesses. I forgot to cover her & take the hit for her once in a while. I've actually always been too busy laughing at her & pouring out my own stresses that I never really noticed that she probably had quite a bit too. I promised myself it wouldn't happen again &, next time, she's first. That, however, doesn't mean I won't slap her around the head if she cries about not getting what she wants for dinner.

I also got an alpaca from a dear friend. After church, I spent way too long taking photos of it from every angle & staring at it lovingly. I named him Emperor Kuzco & he is now an extremely important part of my life . He's taken up at least 20 photos. LOL. I may actually be a retard.

Also, following the string of forevalone posts along the internet. I know some people are genuinely depressed about their singledom [LOL Brittany :P] & others are positive & excited about their future partners [yayay Yadha, dibs being best man at the wedding]. So, was talking with a friend at church why we're perpetually single. Apparently he could think up over 100 reasons for himself so I decided to compile a list for myself. But I think the forever-alone list was way too limited so I turned it into a list of why I have no friends also. By the way, yes, this is pathetic but it's also really fun which is why I'm doing it. You know it's not so people can feel sorry for you so no false modesty or sugarcoating please. So yeah, anyone reading, I put you up to the challenge.

LIST: Why I am forever alone/Why I have no friends

1) I strangely love alpacas & llamas way too much.
2) I'm annoyingly competitive. I'll lie, steal, cheat in any board game but will, inevitably, end up losing anyway.
3) I'm incapable of expressing affection.. thus any conversation will turn to the topic of point 1) llamas & alpacas LOL jokes, that's in any conversation.
4) Food will magically disappear. Like I kid you not, you think you have a lot of food until.. you know, I eat it. [hi friends, I'm sure you've all experienced this phenomenon :D]
5) I don't know how to explain this but there's a limit & then I close up. I guess I'm just not a very open person. I'm a sociopath guys.
6) For girl friends, I don't speak the language of fashion & can't deal with drama. For guy friends, I can't play sport. The end. I guess I'll have to hang out with people in the middle.. Nachan ?
7) I like to chime in & out at random intervals which often consists of "anyone got food?", "anyone want to be my friend?", etc. which, clearly, leads to strong-founded relationships & belongment.
8) Okay, this is just a generalization but pretty people just don't need as great personalities to earn friends. I just lack all physical aspects as well as social skills. Might as well buy a cat now. Like when you think about your attractive personal traits, both inside or outside, you're supposed to come up with something. I got nothing.. which got me desperate & thinking about academics but that's all based entirely on how hard you try so.. yeah, #sad #foreversad #what is my life.
9) I wouldn't say I'm a perfectionist as such but I'm easily neurotic & OCD. I'm all chill with the big picture but it's in these tiny things that never matter that I always freak out.
10) I'm pretty insensitive. Not in the sense that I don't notice or realize when someone's upset or something's up but just in the fact that I probably won't think it's a big deal. I just don't care as much as I should or other people do.
11) Apparently, I'm a crappy wingman. but I don't know, we'll see.
12) When I focus on one thing, I can't stop thinking about it. Whether it's a task I really want to do or something I want, I'll keep on working or begging or just being completely out of it for other things. I fail at keeping anything in perspective.
13) The big cliche. Trust issues.
14) I have an unfunny sense of humour & laugh at the weirdest things no one else finds funny. It's really quite a lonely life if you think about it.
15)  It's actually really sad that I could come up with all this. I'm sure there are more to come but I really have to get back to study!

---

I tried to tell a close friend something today & couldn't do it which led to several awkward moments & pointless small talk. Keep finding it strange how our security in people change as we learn to trust some & sometimes learn to hold back with others.

Okay, enough for today.

Bye now.

Well, the page views have skyrocketed for some reason [by skyrocketed, I mean, reached more than 1 :P]. Stop stalkers, stop.

Also, I keep starting all these posts then realise I have no idea where I'm going with them so now there are a couple drafts that make no sense whatsoever but somehow exploded out during those moments of frustration or boredom. So here are a couple from late nights, wondering what I'm even doing with my life.

So enjoy these snippets of draft I never bothered posting.

...

Anyways, I've been trying to write an essay intro for Blankenstein and Fraderunner for about 5 hours now & everything seems to have left me. Also, I'd just like to reiterate what a stupid movie Bladerunner is. I mean, it has no real plot, just a lot of darkness, murmuring & racist Asian references, the replicants look like drug addicts at the best of times, Deckard practically rapes Rachael [seriously, who falls for that], Pris does that weird eye twitching thing that freaks me out & has a strangely sadistic relationship with Roy who, weirdly, tries to kill Deckard then saves him right after holding what looks like a dead dove in his hands & before crying in the rain. Also, the unicorn symbolism is not really symbolism if it has no clear significance. I'd rather write an essay on Twilight.. like far out. I'd just like to sue Ridley Scott. I think I'd have a pretty strong case. I also can't sleep either which is why I'm here and.. yeah. I've been considering a lot of things this weekend & have changed my mind about quite a few of them as well but that doesn't change the fact that I'll always be scared. Because I'm ridiculous like that.

Today, I saw my sister cry about something other than not getting what she wants for dinner & it scared me more than if I saw my parents cry [not that they ever do]. Maybe she's not the always emotionless, always dependable, always level-headed kid I thought she was. I swear she never talks about her problems, even to me. I kind of feel like I failed as the older sister to see her vulnerability & weaknesses. I forgot to cover her & take the hit for her once in a while. I've actually always been too busy laughing at her & pouring out my own stresses that I never really noticed that she probably had quite a bit too. I promised myself it wouldn't happen again &, next time, she's first. That, however, doesn't mean I won't slap her around the head if she cries about not getting what she wants for dinner.

I also got an alpaca from a dear friend. After church, I spent way too long taking photos of it from every angle & staring at it lovingly. I named him Emperor Kuzco & he is now an extremely important part of my life . He's taken up at least 20 photos. LOL. I may actually be a retard.

Also, following the string of forevalone posts along the internet. I know some people are genuinely depressed about their singledom [LOL Brittany :P] & others are positive & excited about their future partners [yayay Yadha, dibs being best man at the wedding]. So, was talking with a friend at church why we're perpetually single. Apparently he could think up over 100 reasons for himself so I decided to compile a list for myself. But I think the forever-alone list was way too limited so I turned it into a list of why I have no friends also. By the way, yes, this is pathetic but it's also really fun which is why I'm doing it. You know it's not so people can feel sorry for you so no false modesty or sugarcoating please. So yeah, anyone reading, I put you up to the challenge.

LIST: Why I am forever alone/Why I have no friends

1) I strangely love alpacas & llamas way too much.
2) I'm annoyingly competitive. I'll lie, steal, cheat in any board game but will, inevitably, end up losing anyway.
3) I'm incapable of expressing affection.. thus any conversation will turn to the topic of point 1) llamas & alpacas LOL jokes, that's in any conversation.
4) Food will magically disappear. Like I kid you not, you think you have a lot of food until.. you know, I eat it. [hi friends, I'm sure you've all experienced this phenomenon :D]
5) I don't know how to explain this but there's a limit & then I close up. I guess I'm just not a very open person. I'm a sociopath guys.
6) For girl friends, I don't speak the language of fashion & can't deal with drama. For guy friends, I can't play sport. The end. I guess I'll have to hang out with people in the middle.. Nachan ?
7) I like to chime in & out at random intervals which often consists of "anyone got food?", "anyone want to be my friend?", etc. which, clearly, leads to strong-founded relationships & belongment.
8) Okay, this is just a generalization but pretty people just don't need as great personalities to earn friends. I just lack all physical aspects as well as social skills. Might as well buy a cat now. Like when you think about your attractive personal traits, both inside or outside, you're supposed to come up with something. I got nothing.. which got me desperate & thinking about academics but that's all based entirely on how hard you try so.. yeah, #sad #foreversad #what is my life.
9) I wouldn't say I'm a perfectionist as such but I'm easily neurotic & OCD. I'm all chill with the big picture but it's in these tiny things that never matter that I always freak out.
10) I'm pretty insensitive. Not in the sense that I don't notice or realize when someone's upset or something's up but just in the fact that I probably won't think it's a big deal. I just don't care as much as I should or other people do.
11) Apparently, I'm a crappy wingman. but I don't know, we'll see.
12) When I focus on one thing, I can't stop thinking about it. Whether it's a task I really want to do or something I want, I'll keep on working or begging or just being completely out of it for other things. I fail at keeping anything in perspective.
13) The big cliche. Trust issues.
14) I have an unfunny sense of humour & laugh at the weirdest things no one else finds funny. It's really quite a lonely life if you think about it.
15)  It's actually really sad that I could come up with all this. I'm sure there are more to come but I really have to get back to study!

---

I tried to tell a close friend something today & couldn't do it which led to several awkward moments & pointless small talk. Keep finding it strange how our security in people change as we learn to trust some & sometimes learn to hold back with others.

Okay, enough for today.

Bye now.