pretty much given up on this blog but i still hate to forget everything that happened because everything that happens is fantastic.
but yeaah, i'm getting pretty tired of typing everything up.
today; went shopping after dropping sarah off at james an & bought so much school stuff from coles & then went to diva & valleygirl after subway. WILL detail once i start running.
watched 'the nanny' while eating watermelon, yumm. sarah's addicted to the show as well. the channel 99 GO! has so many old shows but i love all of them.

yesterday; i don't remember much except i was so pissed because korean online shopping wasn't coming. ohh & i ate thai food but sarah hated it. oops.

grandpa's [mum's side] birthday today so we went to sakae in eastwood; mum, dad, sarah, grandma, grandpa & me.
it was soo nice & green tea ice cream :)
went to smart college for the first time. afterwards, watched 'the bachelor' where all the girls bitch about each other & me, sarah & mum mocking them afterwards. loveeeed it.

yesterday; maquarie outing. ice skating until my legs felt broken, singapore noodles & bunching up on 1 table, princess & the frog [very cute & pretty movie; emotional when the glow bug died], borders & new zealand ice cream which i decided not to eat, finally.

today; went with grandparents to go eye shopping for pretty bedroom furniture,
we went to like tonnes of different bedroom shops because i love the decorating designs but i couldn't buyyesterday dinner at grandma's house. watching tonnes of grey's anatomy, yesterday watched the last emperor

yeah, ok, so 2 days ago, i don't really remember that much except we went to video ezy
& borrowed like 6 dvds [charmed, grey's anatomy, the good student, angels & demons, something chinesy like "the last emperor" or "the first emperor" or something & this other dvd i don't really remember the name of]
then we went to the cheese cake shop & bought zebra cake.
so everything was like going great, & at night, the whole family started watching 'angels & demons'. it was so dark/intense/serious that everyone left, i was the only one watching it at the end. but it was so good, it's definitely going on my list of top movies. it was scarily clever but dad was the only one who'd read the book.
but afterwards when i had to go to sleep, i was kind of down. it's probably because i watched a movie that was too serious before going to bed. like i'd watched a horror movie. & in my opinion, it was sort of scarier than 'paranormal activity'.
i felt really moody like it was an omen or something. sarah was fully chatty & ENDORPHINATED [inside jokes 8)] but i couldn't be like that if i tried.
it's like the feeling when someone's scared of the dark.
i managed to get to sleep & a few times i heard the door slam shut & i kept getting up in the early morning but i went to sleep again really quickly.
but in the morning, like at 8, mum woke me & sarah up to tell us that frank, our next door neighbour, had died.
it was so sudden. we didn't think it'd happen.
i guess i didn't exactly feel sad which is a bad/selfish thing but i wasn't that close to him.
we did KNOW him though. frank & helen had been our next door neighbours for years, we used to talk to them when we were little. their house is kind of the neat, amazingly perfect garden, picket fence type. helen is so healthy for an old person & i thought frank was ok.
but the door i heard slamming in the morning was dad going over to help out helen & go to the hospital with them. frank dying was so sudden, i was kind of shocked.
but after breakfast, it was just another ordinary day. so weird to think that a week ago, no one saw this coming.

chocolate kkomz
2 days ago, we watched 10yrs younger in 10 days & 60min makeover
i love those shows x3

well duuh.
but it never hits me exactly how much. i've thought about this for years on how i'd just fall apart if i lost anyone [my family especially].
even the thought of it got me shocked as if i'd had a heart attack or whatever.
but i'd seriously not survive if someone important in my life just disappeared.
i'm a really neurotic, freaks-out-if-everything's-not-perfect type person
& if i lost someone, everything would be chaos. complete chaos.
in fact, i'd probably never do anything again & die of grief.
& i always knew that, yeah.
especially because we're fragile, there are million things that could kill us. it wouldn't take that much. it's on the news all the time, like those stupid car accidents & drugs & everything.
i get scared of car accidents especially. yeah, i'm scared of cars.
so 2 days ago when mum went to drop sarah off at college & she was like 30min late of coming home. the thought of a car accident immediately hit me obviously. so i called 10 times & no one picked up. i paced around, going crazy, screaming at random moments in an empty house. i flicked through phone numbers & it was so damn paranoid & idiotic of me but i was that scared. yeah, depressing & crazy thoughts everywhere.
i screamed & threw stuff around.
but eventually mum came home.
it made me realise how dependant i was on everyone around me;. & i was shocked, i bet my blood pressure was pretty high. but it took me that long to calm down. & then everything was normal.
but in the space of half an hour, i'd managed to go from normal to completely mental & back to normal again. it still scares me & i'm more paranoid than ever. i'm a Christian so i should have full trust in God. usually, i think i do. but the subconcious fears break in all the time over these tiny things. God has control in everything so i'm not sure if that means i'm doubting God. it'd scare me if i do because that's so not right to doubt the One who created time, the universe & everything in it. i'm confused.

went crazy screaming in an empty house yesterday
SMART college & church

went to baulko subway with mum; i'm getting so addicted to it
just in case i lose my memory or something later, i'll be a moron & list everything [white bread, toasted, whatever cheese, roasted chicken, onions, lettuce, olives & thousand island sauce that mum called 'long island' HAHA],
we went to woolworths after & i, as usual, bought all the useless stuff in the trolley,
i guess i stayed at home
then after dinner, we melted cadbury chocolate & mum sliced fruits
so it was like a chocolate fondue with bananas & strawberries omg so yummy,
ohh almost forget, KOREAN ONLINE SHOPPING 8) before dinner ~gmarket, & i chose my ideaaaaal bag <3,
after dinner + todiefor dessert, we went 'swimming' out in the backyard if you can call it that. technically, sarah & dad swam while i cheered on really needed encouragement while sunbaking with no sun on the upturned inflatable boat :) good times,
then ofc, dad kicked me off the boat & he just lay there while me & sarah popped out of the water every few seconds to annoy him.

i just finished "elaborating" on my last post & i was like "okay, now for today...what happened today" & sarah was like "nothing much. don't write"
so naturally, cos she said that, i'm writing :) [in GREAT detail]
me & sarah watched random tv shows in the morning, like i was just flicking through channels & so many of them were gay.
we had cream soup with sun chips for breakfast & there was this movie on of pinocchio but from his father [gepetto's] side of view. it was pretty boring but it was kind of cool at the same time, because of the costuming & setting & everything. i didn't watch a lot of it because i went to tutoring with uncle at 11:15ish. normal math stuff as usual & came home.
i rested a bit & we had lunch. don't know what it's called but it was like rice mixed with vegetables, meat & kimchi. we had fried egg with it as well. pretty nice for a home meal.
after that, i actually got a whole chapter of science notes done. omg, i feel like such a nerd but that's like the only thing i've finished over like 3 weeks so i pretty much did nothing.
then after watching "the doctors" on tv with sarah, we started this reaaally sweet korean movie & it was kind of like "my boyfriend is type b" + "boys over flowers" + "my tutor friend" all mixed into one movie.
& i can almost say it was as sweet as "500 days of summer"; oh gosh, it was just really nice but the kind of things that'll NEVER happen in real life. the truth hurts. it wasn't the type of movie i'd cry for but it just gave the feeling of being so,, i don't know. but it was good.
we had dinner, wollamsam, & then me & sarah went swimming.
dad was putting in chlorine at the same time & we kept stepping on the salt at the bottom of the pool.
i went a little high & kept gathering up the salt which was so soft after you piled it up & it was like stepping in sand, a nice feeling. & i kept annoying sarah, going "omg, there's SO much salt here. oohh, this is nice. squish, squish squish" & she was like "grace, get a life".
then we just swam & little, talked, laughed, almost drowned & pushed the boat "the adventurer" [hey, we didn't make up the name, it's on the side of the boat].
dad joined us afterwards & we annoyed him but it was funnnnnnn 8) like when he first came onto the boat, he was like "why is there water in here?" & we looked really suss & then we had to admit we poured some of the pool water in there to make it warm.
sarah hung onto him & i showed him the miracle of the salt at the bottom of the pool. it would've been just perfect if mum had joined us.
after showering, me & sarah made up a study/ideal schedule that we were like never ever going to keep but we made it anyways in our really pro, crimson, navy, gold diaries.
mum came in once & laughed with us that we were never going to keep our perfect schedule up, which we pretty much already know but we didn't need to be TOLD that. hehe.
sarah went down to the kitchen & spilt a whole cup of water & so we had to soak it up. & i kept blaming her going "what'd you do? throw it at the water cooller?" & then she just kept saying she was a klutz. haha but we were laughing & grumbling the whole time.
i was GOING to practise violin but this important URGENT matter of blogging came up so here i am. & i ditched my violin on the kitchen table.
mum came in just a few minutes ago, trying to look over my shoulder & then she listened to sarah play piano because sarah wanted her to.

it feels like everyday is so incredibly perfect. every ordinary day makes me feel like the luckiest person that ever lived. everything's always amazing & every moment's like one i wish i could just keep forever. i'm not even kidding, it's like i expect nothing other than that. but i'm scared of everything going away a lot of the time so i just have to write it all down. unless it's a personal part of my life i don't want on the internet because it's private, i write it all down. because everything that happens & everything i have, especially my family, means that i have so much but also so much to lose. & i'm so scared of losing. always scared of losing. so i'm going to have to, at least, write down what happens each day for the memory. so later on, years from now, i can remember. it's not for anyone to actually read.

gosh, this makes me feel pathetic & selfish. but it's pretty much the only reason i'm on here.

today was like a typical awesomee day, one of the many great ones.
we watched GO tv [like olddd shows like charlie's angels & crap], then we went out to lunch at eastwood sakae which was soooo yummmm. there was like wagyu beef, those finger things, sashimi, cold noodles & vanilla ice cream with chocolate icing. [mum & dad had like green tea ice cream which was just vanilla, only it was green @____@]
it was just nice being out with my parents [it happens every few days but everytime, i feel so lucky for some reason]
we went to the grocery fruit store in eastwood to buy 2 bags of white nectarines
then after sarah's college, mum picked her up & dropped us both off at castle towers to go with auntie & james for shopping & a movie.
LOL alvin & the chipmunks: the sqeakquel. haha 8)
but i didn't mind, we went to diva & bought 2 necklaces, a heart locket for me & a cute owl for sarah. silveeer; ty auntie ~
we went to the bookstore, angus & robertson, & me & auntie bet what the bookstore's name was. she said that angus & robertson had closed down & become dymocks & i said the other way around. yaaaaay; i won 8) i totally should have bet money
we met up with james's friends from school, jeanie & yeongsoon,
yeah then we watched it. ditto. we pigged out on popcorn, gummy bears, raspberry slushi & raspberry push up lollies. not much to say on that; but it was pretty good, like seriously not in a joking waaay. chipmunks are so cute. i've gotten over my 2 day avatar phase, & i don't want to be blue anymore. i want to be a CHIPMUNK x3
then auntie & jeanie & yeongsoon's mums joined us for thai food.
then there was this whole bathroom arguement between me, sarah & james
where i went to the bathroom & sarah & james went to look for me. i came back to the thai place & they were still out there so i went to look for them. then when i found, they started screaming at me that it was all my fault they went everywhere. i was like "huh? i just went to the bathroom". & they were like "why'd you take so long!", we went to like the cinema bathrooms & even the shop RUSH!!".
then james & sarah started arguing because sarah wanted to look for me in rush & james was going on about how stupid it was going in there & how embarrassing it was & all.
but everyone went quiet as soon as they started eating thai food ; i love thai food, like pad thai noodles & chilli crab :)
[except james who kept acting like waay older than jeanie's brother & kept telling him not to be a baby blahblahblah]
then me & sarah went to the bathroom & i splashed water on her so she got pissed.
but then she cheered up after aunt bought her ice cream [hehe such a baby; LOL she's watching me type this,, i mean, sarah ? seriously ? who cheers up after ice cream ? it's not even proper comfort food] yeah, now she's arguing with me over that
so anyways, we went to those funny lame video games in front of the cinemas & played them without putting in coins [basically, we pretended to shoot each other & drove cars, looking at the screen saver].
james tried to get a doll from the really rigged pick up game machine but he failed & kept saying how he totally could have got one if he had 2 go's.
we ate the sour strips sarah bought at the chinese grocery shop but i just took one strip of one [the red bit hehe] & gave the rest away to yeongsoon & james.
auntie & jeanie & yeongsoon's mums were having coffee so we eventually got bored & got home.
while sarah started running on the treadmill, i watched 'will the snow come at christmas?' [translated from korean, like the second episode. it has the curly haired swimming guy from kimchi cheese smile. it's kind of sad because the girl's brother dies,, aaaaw] with mum.
i thought i wouldn't run
now i'm home, watching 'kimchi cheese smile' running, but i cbb doing 3km so i gave up at 1.5 hehe :)

yesterday was more eventful than today
we went to a viet restaurant again; la coloniel
sarah had beef noodles, & after she'd finished, dad spooned out all the noodles he could for her since she din't eat the meat or anything-else part. which seemed so sweet like parents will do anything for their kids.
then mum & me went shopping & bought this shirt for $5; ANOTHER french one, but it isn't like i'm gonna wear it anywhere, so it's all good :) it says "i ♥moi"
we met up with dad & mum & dad bought a 2 scoop ice cream, one mum's macadamia & dad's rum &raisin. but they made me hold it as an excuse because apparently 2 grown ups can't be seen with an ice cream so they pretty much sacrificed me for their reputation. haha jokes x3 but we were laughing like crazy because we were all getting sugar high from the ice cream.
then we went to pots avenue for some reason i can't remember. oh yeaah, they were getting a photo frame to fill up the empty shelf in the kitchen.
anyways, then we got home & dad & me had red leicester cheese & watched more of "the golden child".
then after sarah came back from college, we shot netball hoops & wathced "clueless" but didn't get time for swimming. so we just cbb to run, did some maths & bludged the whole day, haha x]]

TODAAAAAAAY.
tried to make science notes & failed, continued the charapiacra vs. nihowlah story, ate wollamsam while watching "kimchi, cheese, smile", dvd no. 4, with mum & dad. sounds lame but it's such a great korean series & dad, me & sarah watched old tv shows on channel 99 GO [like dreaming of jeannie, bewitched, the nanny (something i watched a LONG time ago & only just remembered yesterday), just shoot me etc.] then we changed to channel 10 & watched the simpsons & malcolm in the middle. gosh i watched a lot. i ate like 3 ferrero rochers & like 2 blocks of red leicester cheese so i skipped dinner & i just finished running 3km, gave up on doing anymore & now watching 'nancy drew'. i hate it.
hahaha, i just summed up my whole day. all doneee. :)

ok, so pretty much did nothing the whole day. like no joke.
it's not like i slept in because, for holidays, i get up relatively early [psssh as in 9 IN THE MORNING]
then we had cream soup because me & sarah begged mum for it.
sarah went to college & there i was, bored out of my mind.
i tried to study science, i swear, but i kept getting distracted. i think i was making up reasons to be distracted. i watched a little of every dvd on my computer, i uploaded my holiday photos, deleted them, uploaded them again & cut my nails like 17 times.
then mum & dad took me out to baulkham hills stockland mall & i hardly ever go there [castle towers ftw] so i went kind of hyper.
& for the first time in my life, i had subway & actually enjoyed it . yaaaaaay 8)
mum had noodles from hokka hokka & dad shared some of my footlong sub.
then we all went to woolworths, mum & dad bought the stuff they needed & i, as per usual, bought random crap that nobody needed.
then i bought ferrero rocher chocolates saying that it was for sarah since she was studying SO HARD :)
haha chyeaaaaah, mum & dad gave in even though it was obvious i was lying.
we went home. mum & i started arguing on the sofa again.
she said that i wasn't fufilling her 2 requests : 1- show her all my facebook photos [she told me to give her my password] & 2- get my maths stuff out.
so we just laughed & she kept doing the tornado.
dad gave up on flicking through a million channels per sec on the tv & let me stay on one channel to watch the hills. then i got so sick of it, talked a bit more with mum & watched part "golden child" with dad.

yeah so eventually like at 2, i had to go tutoring with uncle which so so so boring. & i cbb so i just said i didn't get it whenever i didn't want to do something.
yeah, i need to show a little more committment i guess.
so soon after, we picked up sarah from college [mum left me & dad in the car without the AIRCON >,> so i tried to unlock the car door & ofc, the car alarm starting going off] hahaha so funny.
we went to eat at the food court. sarah had sushi from hokkahokka [because sushi world had run out], mum shared my foot long sub [yesss, now i'm obsessed with it] & dad had chinese food.
sarah, mum & i went in first & bought popcorn & drinks [RASPBERRY SLUSHI] because dad had to finish his dinner & it was nearing 5:01pm.
so we watched the stupid previews & dad joined us pretty much as soon as the movie starts.

i loved avatar. i don;'t know why. it's definitely not the type of movie i'd watch, let alone enjoy. but it was pretty fun & hypnotised you [not at the beginning]. even in some ways, it's sad, i swear i felt like crying [ofc i didn't, it wasn't sad enough to cry but i felt like i should've].

it was great enjoying it with the family because the last movie we watched as a whole family was star trek & i just didn't like it that much. but avatar was pretty good, the animation/effects were soooo damn pretty/exotic/delicate/fill-in-the-blanks & not dodgy one bit, the story was cool & it hit me a few times that i should start being a greenie because nobody really cares about the environment [i didn't really think about it other than when i recycle] but when the guy was like "they've killed their mother" [as in mother nature] & at the end when he was like "only few have been chosen to stay. the rest had to leave this place & go back to their own dying earth". i don't know, it went something like that. but it hit me .

& omg, i want to be an avatar. i mean, they didn't look that great, i thought they were ugly at the beginning but then they seemed more foreign & beautiful from a different perspective. gosh, the effects were so good. not as good as titanic as the reviews say but still pretty amazing. go watch it. :)

i've just finished making a few notes from science focus 3 & watching "white collar" with mum but i just gave up on it & looked up pictures of the main actors on the net.
blaaaah, all done. cbb to run today.

today was half eventful. :)
in the morning, dad tried to fix my 4yr old netball hoop & failed miserably [it was rusted, sagged & then snapped in half]
so we went to westfield in parra & bought a new netball hoop where you can fill water from rebel sport & a purple netball; teehee 8)
we came home & sarah went to college holiday course, dad went with heesoo's family & auntie to the souveneir shop.
mum & i stayed at home. i was being bored & watched retarded videos on youtube.
for lunch, heesoo's family, auntie, uncle, dad, mum & me went to yum cha.
it was so yuuuum ofc, but so much more than i usually eat.
then me, mum, heesoo's mum & auntie went shopping but we split up.
so mum bought me a lonsdale sports bag & 3 shirts ['bonjour, au revoir']
it was kind of fun because so much was on sale so we just bought whatever we wanted. [well i did, same thing hehe].
we met up with everyone else & heesoo was sucking on this hello kitty lolly & mum & dad started having this arguement over which level they were supposed to meet on.
dad made me & mum walk all the way to level 1 then back up again. #_____#
haha but it was alright.
we went back home then me, mum, dad, heesoo & heesoo's dad went to the souveneir shop but there wasn't much [like boomerangs & kangaroo/koala stuffed toys & wool rugs].
mum bought heesoo a little pink backpack with a koala on it & we played games with it in the car.
when sarah & james came back from holiday course, everyone had pizza & noodles at my house.
it was pretty lame because james wanted to watch mary poppins for some dumb reason & i got bored on fbed for like an hour.
we tried to make a drunk music video on the webcam & failed. haha & then heesoo fell asleep.
pretty soon, everyone had to go.
& even though it was heesoo's family that was going back to korea, me & james made this huge drama between us.
& we kept screaming dramatically "i'll never forget you!", "i'll miss you" & then we fake sobbed. yeah, we're real douchebags/
it was sad [like seriously] when heesoo had to leave because she just kept waving & saying "bye, unni, obaah" but she'll probably forget us all in a year when she turns 5.
afterwards, me & sarah ran & watched 'happily never after II' even though we were supposed to be watching motivational dvds when we were running but meh, who gives. :)

castle towers; netball hoop, earrings, flats from rubi, swimming with the challenger & maccers for lunch, watched the start of 'japanese story' & went to darling habour/manly by ferry & loved it. :) danced crazily in the car with james & sarah to lame but awesome disney songs
secret handshake [sister & coz one]
sarah & james's stupid arguement over chicken nuggets
took so many photos, my camera's battery ran out.

grandma & grandpa's house [on both sides] for new year.
i grew too big [yeah, i feel fat] to fit into the korean trad dress that i've been wearing for the past few years ! HANBOK !
lots of photos & videos.
watching alice in wonderland.
skipping dinner & eating cherries.
planning to watch avatar & eat dinner as a family next tuesday when heesoo's family leave for korea.
watching EVERY video & photo i took over the past 2 days.
counting up all our money & getting REAL cheques [instead of my fake one, haha]
basic family time & feeling happy together. :)

yesterday [new years eve] was pretty bad.
sarah & i cleaned up the whole us [with the exception of our own rooms] & we showed mum her clean bedroom & she was happy & telling us how wonderful we were, hehe :)
we started off alright, trying to cheer & celebrate as soon as the clock struck 12 & the fire works started. the 3 of us were upstairs talking & sarah started a list on the stuff a REAL party should have.
but at like 11:45, i went off to get drinks for sarah & me.
when i came back, mum & sarah had started an arguement over something so stupid like mum saying that sarah liked her friends better than family & sarah kept glaring at mum. so anyway, it was so dramatic.
i mean, what do you expect in a family that's 3/4 female ?
i tried to get sarah to apologise to mum & then the other way around & dad was kind of like "whaaateveeer".
but then mum tried to patch things up by saying that they should just forget the argument & forgive at which point, sarah should've agreed because it was 11:50 & like 10 minutes till 2010. me & dad were upstairs just waiting for the arguement to blow over.
but sarah insisted on an apology so mum got even madder, saying that she didn't OWE sarah an apology. so sarah started to sulk & cry upstairs & i went to comfort her.
then mum screamed at dad, telling him to not ignore everything that's going on but actually do something about it.
dad exploded. i mean, usually he's not shouting & not scary at all. but when he shouted at all of us that it was 5 minutes till new year & we were all acting immature over a stupid fight, it was so damn scary. like he just screamed at sarah & me to go to sleep, just forget any new year celebrations,, & to mum to just shut up & stuff.
& omg, that's when I started to cry.
i was so shocked when the tears came out. i wasn't crying because i was scared of dad's shouting or because mum & sarah were having an arguement.
& i usually don't cry but if i do, it's usually about family [not in a bad way i mean]. i really reckon it's true, that cliche saying, the people you love the most can hurt you the most.
i cried because it was the crappiest way to begin a new year. that dad could even SUGGEST crying ourselves to sleep into 2010. that when everyone else was celebrating & hugging & watching fireworks, we'd be holed up, hating ourselves for such a stupid fight. it seemed like no one even cared. i was angry at mum & sarah for being so stubborn to hold onto an arguement that ruined everyone's new year. i was angry at dad for not trying to fix it up but just scream because he was frustrated. i was angry at myself for letting it all happen.

i sat with sarah on my bed, both of us crying. we started to cry even more when it finally reached 12:00 & the fireworks started with everyone cheering outside.
but then i stopped crying little & tried to talk to her. i practically begged her to apologise properly to mum & kept telling her how dumb the whole thing was. she said she was sorry to mum but she was too scared to say sorry because everyone might shout at her again or just tell her to go to sleep. then she apologised to me for ruining my new year. eventually, she went downstairs & said sorry to mum properly.

obviously, mum forgave her immediately but it was so sad because everything felt late & everything was over. it was 12:30 & i couldn't really help but compare this new year to the one i'd had in korea last year which was so amazing. we sat on the downstairs sofa, sarah & me still kind of crying but talking & a little cheered up.

mum said that we should wake up dad to celebrate it as a family so i went upstairs to try & wake him & tell him that mum & sarah made up but he just looked at me like "whatever, i'm so over it" & then he told me "just tell them to go to sleep".
that shocked me again, that there could be so many problems in one arguement.

i guess i understood how dad was feeling because he was annoyed & angry at all of us for making a big drama in the time we were supposed to be enjoying the new year as a family. but i also kind of thought it was unfair to ruin the moment, now that everything's patched up.

so me, sarah & mum went up to my room & got ready to sleep but suddenly dad came in. he didn't shout anymore but he told us so seriously how disappointed he was but then he singled mum out & told her how badly she acted when she was supposed to be the mum. this part was terrible. mum started crying, she had a really vulnerable look on her face as dad told her & then she just broke down. she was crushed & just lay on my bed, crying. seeing mum cry made me cry so much. i'd never seen my mum cry like that over a few words & it hurt to see how ruined everything was.

but then dad sat us all down & everyone calmed down a bit [especially me, because i didn't really have a proper reason to cry in the first place]. dad took charge as the head of the family [even though, usually, that's mum] & he spoke gently about how we're going to have a fresh new start to the year when the clock strikes 1am. i felt so much better but sarah was kind of crying still & glaring that he made mum cry.

but everything felt so much better all of a sudden. we lay on mum & dad's bed, 15 minutes before 1am. we talked & apologised & laughed. mum & dad told me & sarah that it doesn't matter exactly what time we start new year, it's "arbituary" haha dad's words. in some countries, it's not even 12 yet. so we decided that our family would start it at 1am. dad said every day feels like new year with the family [which was totally corny but it felt so so so right.]

we counted down the seconds & when it struck 1am, long after the fireworks had finished, we laughed & did a huge group hug. then we talked a little & then mum & dad tucked us into bed.

it hit me that everything turned out so well, 1 hour late or not.
just an hour ago, it felt like the world was ending & there was no way that we could turn back time & stop the arguement.

but God works in amazing ways, & in a LOT of ways, the family felt so much closer through a dumb arguement. as much as there were a lot of ways that we could've avoided the arguement, there were so many ways that it could've ended badly. like if i hadn't convinced sarah to say sorry to mum, if sarah couldn't muster up the courage to say sorry to mum, if mum hadn't suggested waking up dad & if dad hadn't come to talk to the family.
& we were JUST in time to celebrate it at 1am.
it hit me that nothing anyone can do can change God's plan. it's awesome how fate is. & this new year, was also, one of the greatest & most memorable new years i'll ever have. God's pulled our family closer together even when we thought we couldn't get any closer.
i've learnt so much from that 1 hour. now i know that i don't have to make new year resolutions when i'm in God's hands. there's no way i can improve myself or try to be better.
so the only new year resolution i can make is whatever i do, i'll do it to the full & with the right morals, strong courage & huge passion for God & the family he's blessed me with.

happy new year.x.

pretty much given up on this blog but i still hate to forget everything that happened because everything that happens is fantastic.
but yeaah, i'm getting pretty tired of typing everything up.
today; went shopping after dropping sarah off at james an & bought so much school stuff from coles & then went to diva & valleygirl after subway. WILL detail once i start running.
watched 'the nanny' while eating watermelon, yumm. sarah's addicted to the show as well. the channel 99 GO! has so many old shows but i love all of them.

yesterday; i don't remember much except i was so pissed because korean online shopping wasn't coming. ohh & i ate thai food but sarah hated it. oops.

grandpa's [mum's side] birthday today so we went to sakae in eastwood; mum, dad, sarah, grandma, grandpa & me.
it was soo nice & green tea ice cream :)
went to smart college for the first time. afterwards, watched 'the bachelor' where all the girls bitch about each other & me, sarah & mum mocking them afterwards. loveeeed it.

yesterday; maquarie outing. ice skating until my legs felt broken, singapore noodles & bunching up on 1 table, princess & the frog [very cute & pretty movie; emotional when the glow bug died], borders & new zealand ice cream which i decided not to eat, finally.

today; went with grandparents to go eye shopping for pretty bedroom furniture,
we went to like tonnes of different bedroom shops because i love the decorating designs but i couldn't buyyesterday dinner at grandma's house. watching tonnes of grey's anatomy, yesterday watched the last emperor

yeah, ok, so 2 days ago, i don't really remember that much except we went to video ezy
& borrowed like 6 dvds [charmed, grey's anatomy, the good student, angels & demons, something chinesy like "the last emperor" or "the first emperor" or something & this other dvd i don't really remember the name of]
then we went to the cheese cake shop & bought zebra cake.
so everything was like going great, & at night, the whole family started watching 'angels & demons'. it was so dark/intense/serious that everyone left, i was the only one watching it at the end. but it was so good, it's definitely going on my list of top movies. it was scarily clever but dad was the only one who'd read the book.
but afterwards when i had to go to sleep, i was kind of down. it's probably because i watched a movie that was too serious before going to bed. like i'd watched a horror movie. & in my opinion, it was sort of scarier than 'paranormal activity'.
i felt really moody like it was an omen or something. sarah was fully chatty & ENDORPHINATED [inside jokes 8)] but i couldn't be like that if i tried.
it's like the feeling when someone's scared of the dark.
i managed to get to sleep & a few times i heard the door slam shut & i kept getting up in the early morning but i went to sleep again really quickly.
but in the morning, like at 8, mum woke me & sarah up to tell us that frank, our next door neighbour, had died.
it was so sudden. we didn't think it'd happen.
i guess i didn't exactly feel sad which is a bad/selfish thing but i wasn't that close to him.
we did KNOW him though. frank & helen had been our next door neighbours for years, we used to talk to them when we were little. their house is kind of the neat, amazingly perfect garden, picket fence type. helen is so healthy for an old person & i thought frank was ok.
but the door i heard slamming in the morning was dad going over to help out helen & go to the hospital with them. frank dying was so sudden, i was kind of shocked.
but after breakfast, it was just another ordinary day. so weird to think that a week ago, no one saw this coming.

chocolate kkomz
2 days ago, we watched 10yrs younger in 10 days & 60min makeover
i love those shows x3

well duuh.
but it never hits me exactly how much. i've thought about this for years on how i'd just fall apart if i lost anyone [my family especially].
even the thought of it got me shocked as if i'd had a heart attack or whatever.
but i'd seriously not survive if someone important in my life just disappeared.
i'm a really neurotic, freaks-out-if-everything's-not-perfect type person
& if i lost someone, everything would be chaos. complete chaos.
in fact, i'd probably never do anything again & die of grief.
& i always knew that, yeah.
especially because we're fragile, there are million things that could kill us. it wouldn't take that much. it's on the news all the time, like those stupid car accidents & drugs & everything.
i get scared of car accidents especially. yeah, i'm scared of cars.
so 2 days ago when mum went to drop sarah off at college & she was like 30min late of coming home. the thought of a car accident immediately hit me obviously. so i called 10 times & no one picked up. i paced around, going crazy, screaming at random moments in an empty house. i flicked through phone numbers & it was so damn paranoid & idiotic of me but i was that scared. yeah, depressing & crazy thoughts everywhere.
i screamed & threw stuff around.
but eventually mum came home.
it made me realise how dependant i was on everyone around me;. & i was shocked, i bet my blood pressure was pretty high. but it took me that long to calm down. & then everything was normal.
but in the space of half an hour, i'd managed to go from normal to completely mental & back to normal again. it still scares me & i'm more paranoid than ever. i'm a Christian so i should have full trust in God. usually, i think i do. but the subconcious fears break in all the time over these tiny things. God has control in everything so i'm not sure if that means i'm doubting God. it'd scare me if i do because that's so not right to doubt the One who created time, the universe & everything in it. i'm confused.

went crazy screaming in an empty house yesterday
SMART college & church

went to baulko subway with mum; i'm getting so addicted to it
just in case i lose my memory or something later, i'll be a moron & list everything [white bread, toasted, whatever cheese, roasted chicken, onions, lettuce, olives & thousand island sauce that mum called 'long island' HAHA],
we went to woolworths after & i, as usual, bought all the useless stuff in the trolley,
i guess i stayed at home
then after dinner, we melted cadbury chocolate & mum sliced fruits
so it was like a chocolate fondue with bananas & strawberries omg so yummy,
ohh almost forget, KOREAN ONLINE SHOPPING 8) before dinner ~gmarket, & i chose my ideaaaaal bag <3,
after dinner + todiefor dessert, we went 'swimming' out in the backyard if you can call it that. technically, sarah & dad swam while i cheered on really needed encouragement while sunbaking with no sun on the upturned inflatable boat :) good times,
then ofc, dad kicked me off the boat & he just lay there while me & sarah popped out of the water every few seconds to annoy him.

i just finished "elaborating" on my last post & i was like "okay, now for today...what happened today" & sarah was like "nothing much. don't write"
so naturally, cos she said that, i'm writing :) [in GREAT detail]
me & sarah watched random tv shows in the morning, like i was just flicking through channels & so many of them were gay.
we had cream soup with sun chips for breakfast & there was this movie on of pinocchio but from his father [gepetto's] side of view. it was pretty boring but it was kind of cool at the same time, because of the costuming & setting & everything. i didn't watch a lot of it because i went to tutoring with uncle at 11:15ish. normal math stuff as usual & came home.
i rested a bit & we had lunch. don't know what it's called but it was like rice mixed with vegetables, meat & kimchi. we had fried egg with it as well. pretty nice for a home meal.
after that, i actually got a whole chapter of science notes done. omg, i feel like such a nerd but that's like the only thing i've finished over like 3 weeks so i pretty much did nothing.
then after watching "the doctors" on tv with sarah, we started this reaaally sweet korean movie & it was kind of like "my boyfriend is type b" + "boys over flowers" + "my tutor friend" all mixed into one movie.
& i can almost say it was as sweet as "500 days of summer"; oh gosh, it was just really nice but the kind of things that'll NEVER happen in real life. the truth hurts. it wasn't the type of movie i'd cry for but it just gave the feeling of being so,, i don't know. but it was good.
we had dinner, wollamsam, & then me & sarah went swimming.
dad was putting in chlorine at the same time & we kept stepping on the salt at the bottom of the pool.
i went a little high & kept gathering up the salt which was so soft after you piled it up & it was like stepping in sand, a nice feeling. & i kept annoying sarah, going "omg, there's SO much salt here. oohh, this is nice. squish, squish squish" & she was like "grace, get a life".
then we just swam & little, talked, laughed, almost drowned & pushed the boat "the adventurer" [hey, we didn't make up the name, it's on the side of the boat].
dad joined us afterwards & we annoyed him but it was funnnnnnn 8) like when he first came onto the boat, he was like "why is there water in here?" & we looked really suss & then we had to admit we poured some of the pool water in there to make it warm.
sarah hung onto him & i showed him the miracle of the salt at the bottom of the pool. it would've been just perfect if mum had joined us.
after showering, me & sarah made up a study/ideal schedule that we were like never ever going to keep but we made it anyways in our really pro, crimson, navy, gold diaries.
mum came in once & laughed with us that we were never going to keep our perfect schedule up, which we pretty much already know but we didn't need to be TOLD that. hehe.
sarah went down to the kitchen & spilt a whole cup of water & so we had to soak it up. & i kept blaming her going "what'd you do? throw it at the water cooller?" & then she just kept saying she was a klutz. haha but we were laughing & grumbling the whole time.
i was GOING to practise violin but this important URGENT matter of blogging came up so here i am. & i ditched my violin on the kitchen table.
mum came in just a few minutes ago, trying to look over my shoulder & then she listened to sarah play piano because sarah wanted her to.

it feels like everyday is so incredibly perfect. every ordinary day makes me feel like the luckiest person that ever lived. everything's always amazing & every moment's like one i wish i could just keep forever. i'm not even kidding, it's like i expect nothing other than that. but i'm scared of everything going away a lot of the time so i just have to write it all down. unless it's a personal part of my life i don't want on the internet because it's private, i write it all down. because everything that happens & everything i have, especially my family, means that i have so much but also so much to lose. & i'm so scared of losing. always scared of losing. so i'm going to have to, at least, write down what happens each day for the memory. so later on, years from now, i can remember. it's not for anyone to actually read.

gosh, this makes me feel pathetic & selfish. but it's pretty much the only reason i'm on here.

today was like a typical awesomee day, one of the many great ones.
we watched GO tv [like olddd shows like charlie's angels & crap], then we went out to lunch at eastwood sakae which was soooo yummmm. there was like wagyu beef, those finger things, sashimi, cold noodles & vanilla ice cream with chocolate icing. [mum & dad had like green tea ice cream which was just vanilla, only it was green @____@]
it was just nice being out with my parents [it happens every few days but everytime, i feel so lucky for some reason]
we went to the grocery fruit store in eastwood to buy 2 bags of white nectarines
then after sarah's college, mum picked her up & dropped us both off at castle towers to go with auntie & james for shopping & a movie.
LOL alvin & the chipmunks: the sqeakquel. haha 8)
but i didn't mind, we went to diva & bought 2 necklaces, a heart locket for me & a cute owl for sarah. silveeer; ty auntie ~
we went to the bookstore, angus & robertson, & me & auntie bet what the bookstore's name was. she said that angus & robertson had closed down & become dymocks & i said the other way around. yaaaaay; i won 8) i totally should have bet money
we met up with james's friends from school, jeanie & yeongsoon,
yeah then we watched it. ditto. we pigged out on popcorn, gummy bears, raspberry slushi & raspberry push up lollies. not much to say on that; but it was pretty good, like seriously not in a joking waaay. chipmunks are so cute. i've gotten over my 2 day avatar phase, & i don't want to be blue anymore. i want to be a CHIPMUNK x3
then auntie & jeanie & yeongsoon's mums joined us for thai food.
then there was this whole bathroom arguement between me, sarah & james
where i went to the bathroom & sarah & james went to look for me. i came back to the thai place & they were still out there so i went to look for them. then when i found, they started screaming at me that it was all my fault they went everywhere. i was like "huh? i just went to the bathroom". & they were like "why'd you take so long!", we went to like the cinema bathrooms & even the shop RUSH!!".
then james & sarah started arguing because sarah wanted to look for me in rush & james was going on about how stupid it was going in there & how embarrassing it was & all.
but everyone went quiet as soon as they started eating thai food ; i love thai food, like pad thai noodles & chilli crab :)
[except james who kept acting like waay older than jeanie's brother & kept telling him not to be a baby blahblahblah]
then me & sarah went to the bathroom & i splashed water on her so she got pissed.
but then she cheered up after aunt bought her ice cream [hehe such a baby; LOL she's watching me type this,, i mean, sarah ? seriously ? who cheers up after ice cream ? it's not even proper comfort food] yeah, now she's arguing with me over that
so anyways, we went to those funny lame video games in front of the cinemas & played them without putting in coins [basically, we pretended to shoot each other & drove cars, looking at the screen saver].
james tried to get a doll from the really rigged pick up game machine but he failed & kept saying how he totally could have got one if he had 2 go's.
we ate the sour strips sarah bought at the chinese grocery shop but i just took one strip of one [the red bit hehe] & gave the rest away to yeongsoon & james.
auntie & jeanie & yeongsoon's mums were having coffee so we eventually got bored & got home.
while sarah started running on the treadmill, i watched 'will the snow come at christmas?' [translated from korean, like the second episode. it has the curly haired swimming guy from kimchi cheese smile. it's kind of sad because the girl's brother dies,, aaaaw] with mum.
i thought i wouldn't run
now i'm home, watching 'kimchi cheese smile' running, but i cbb doing 3km so i gave up at 1.5 hehe :)

yesterday was more eventful than today
we went to a viet restaurant again; la coloniel
sarah had beef noodles, & after she'd finished, dad spooned out all the noodles he could for her since she din't eat the meat or anything-else part. which seemed so sweet like parents will do anything for their kids.
then mum & me went shopping & bought this shirt for $5; ANOTHER french one, but it isn't like i'm gonna wear it anywhere, so it's all good :) it says "i ♥moi"
we met up with dad & mum & dad bought a 2 scoop ice cream, one mum's macadamia & dad's rum &raisin. but they made me hold it as an excuse because apparently 2 grown ups can't be seen with an ice cream so they pretty much sacrificed me for their reputation. haha jokes x3 but we were laughing like crazy because we were all getting sugar high from the ice cream.
then we went to pots avenue for some reason i can't remember. oh yeaah, they were getting a photo frame to fill up the empty shelf in the kitchen.
anyways, then we got home & dad & me had red leicester cheese & watched more of "the golden child".
then after sarah came back from college, we shot netball hoops & wathced "clueless" but didn't get time for swimming. so we just cbb to run, did some maths & bludged the whole day, haha x]]

TODAAAAAAAY.
tried to make science notes & failed, continued the charapiacra vs. nihowlah story, ate wollamsam while watching "kimchi, cheese, smile", dvd no. 4, with mum & dad. sounds lame but it's such a great korean series & dad, me & sarah watched old tv shows on channel 99 GO [like dreaming of jeannie, bewitched, the nanny (something i watched a LONG time ago & only just remembered yesterday), just shoot me etc.] then we changed to channel 10 & watched the simpsons & malcolm in the middle. gosh i watched a lot. i ate like 3 ferrero rochers & like 2 blocks of red leicester cheese so i skipped dinner & i just finished running 3km, gave up on doing anymore & now watching 'nancy drew'. i hate it.
hahaha, i just summed up my whole day. all doneee. :)

ok, so pretty much did nothing the whole day. like no joke.
it's not like i slept in because, for holidays, i get up relatively early [psssh as in 9 IN THE MORNING]
then we had cream soup because me & sarah begged mum for it.
sarah went to college & there i was, bored out of my mind.
i tried to study science, i swear, but i kept getting distracted. i think i was making up reasons to be distracted. i watched a little of every dvd on my computer, i uploaded my holiday photos, deleted them, uploaded them again & cut my nails like 17 times.
then mum & dad took me out to baulkham hills stockland mall & i hardly ever go there [castle towers ftw] so i went kind of hyper.
& for the first time in my life, i had subway & actually enjoyed it . yaaaaaay 8)
mum had noodles from hokka hokka & dad shared some of my footlong sub.
then we all went to woolworths, mum & dad bought the stuff they needed & i, as per usual, bought random crap that nobody needed.
then i bought ferrero rocher chocolates saying that it was for sarah since she was studying SO HARD :)
haha chyeaaaaah, mum & dad gave in even though it was obvious i was lying.
we went home. mum & i started arguing on the sofa again.
she said that i wasn't fufilling her 2 requests : 1- show her all my facebook photos [she told me to give her my password] & 2- get my maths stuff out.
so we just laughed & she kept doing the tornado.
dad gave up on flicking through a million channels per sec on the tv & let me stay on one channel to watch the hills. then i got so sick of it, talked a bit more with mum & watched part "golden child" with dad.

yeah so eventually like at 2, i had to go tutoring with uncle which so so so boring. & i cbb so i just said i didn't get it whenever i didn't want to do something.
yeah, i need to show a little more committment i guess.
so soon after, we picked up sarah from college [mum left me & dad in the car without the AIRCON >,> so i tried to unlock the car door & ofc, the car alarm starting going off] hahaha so funny.
we went to eat at the food court. sarah had sushi from hokkahokka [because sushi world had run out], mum shared my foot long sub [yesss, now i'm obsessed with it] & dad had chinese food.
sarah, mum & i went in first & bought popcorn & drinks [RASPBERRY SLUSHI] because dad had to finish his dinner & it was nearing 5:01pm.
so we watched the stupid previews & dad joined us pretty much as soon as the movie starts.

i loved avatar. i don;'t know why. it's definitely not the type of movie i'd watch, let alone enjoy. but it was pretty fun & hypnotised you [not at the beginning]. even in some ways, it's sad, i swear i felt like crying [ofc i didn't, it wasn't sad enough to cry but i felt like i should've].

it was great enjoying it with the family because the last movie we watched as a whole family was star trek & i just didn't like it that much. but avatar was pretty good, the animation/effects were soooo damn pretty/exotic/delicate/fill-in-the-blanks & not dodgy one bit, the story was cool & it hit me a few times that i should start being a greenie because nobody really cares about the environment [i didn't really think about it other than when i recycle] but when the guy was like "they've killed their mother" [as in mother nature] & at the end when he was like "only few have been chosen to stay. the rest had to leave this place & go back to their own dying earth". i don't know, it went something like that. but it hit me .

& omg, i want to be an avatar. i mean, they didn't look that great, i thought they were ugly at the beginning but then they seemed more foreign & beautiful from a different perspective. gosh, the effects were so good. not as good as titanic as the reviews say but still pretty amazing. go watch it. :)

i've just finished making a few notes from science focus 3 & watching "white collar" with mum but i just gave up on it & looked up pictures of the main actors on the net.
blaaaah, all done. cbb to run today.

today was half eventful. :)
in the morning, dad tried to fix my 4yr old netball hoop & failed miserably [it was rusted, sagged & then snapped in half]
so we went to westfield in parra & bought a new netball hoop where you can fill water from rebel sport & a purple netball; teehee 8)
we came home & sarah went to college holiday course, dad went with heesoo's family & auntie to the souveneir shop.
mum & i stayed at home. i was being bored & watched retarded videos on youtube.
for lunch, heesoo's family, auntie, uncle, dad, mum & me went to yum cha.
it was so yuuuum ofc, but so much more than i usually eat.
then me, mum, heesoo's mum & auntie went shopping but we split up.
so mum bought me a lonsdale sports bag & 3 shirts ['bonjour, au revoir']
it was kind of fun because so much was on sale so we just bought whatever we wanted. [well i did, same thing hehe].
we met up with everyone else & heesoo was sucking on this hello kitty lolly & mum & dad started having this arguement over which level they were supposed to meet on.
dad made me & mum walk all the way to level 1 then back up again. #_____#
haha but it was alright.
we went back home then me, mum, dad, heesoo & heesoo's dad went to the souveneir shop but there wasn't much [like boomerangs & kangaroo/koala stuffed toys & wool rugs].
mum bought heesoo a little pink backpack with a koala on it & we played games with it in the car.
when sarah & james came back from holiday course, everyone had pizza & noodles at my house.
it was pretty lame because james wanted to watch mary poppins for some dumb reason & i got bored on fbed for like an hour.
we tried to make a drunk music video on the webcam & failed. haha & then heesoo fell asleep.
pretty soon, everyone had to go.
& even though it was heesoo's family that was going back to korea, me & james made this huge drama between us.
& we kept screaming dramatically "i'll never forget you!", "i'll miss you" & then we fake sobbed. yeah, we're real douchebags/
it was sad [like seriously] when heesoo had to leave because she just kept waving & saying "bye, unni, obaah" but she'll probably forget us all in a year when she turns 5.
afterwards, me & sarah ran & watched 'happily never after II' even though we were supposed to be watching motivational dvds when we were running but meh, who gives. :)

castle towers; netball hoop, earrings, flats from rubi, swimming with the challenger & maccers for lunch, watched the start of 'japanese story' & went to darling habour/manly by ferry & loved it. :) danced crazily in the car with james & sarah to lame but awesome disney songs
secret handshake [sister & coz one]
sarah & james's stupid arguement over chicken nuggets
took so many photos, my camera's battery ran out.

grandma & grandpa's house [on both sides] for new year.
i grew too big [yeah, i feel fat] to fit into the korean trad dress that i've been wearing for the past few years ! HANBOK !
lots of photos & videos.
watching alice in wonderland.
skipping dinner & eating cherries.
planning to watch avatar & eat dinner as a family next tuesday when heesoo's family leave for korea.
watching EVERY video & photo i took over the past 2 days.
counting up all our money & getting REAL cheques [instead of my fake one, haha]
basic family time & feeling happy together. :)

yesterday [new years eve] was pretty bad.
sarah & i cleaned up the whole us [with the exception of our own rooms] & we showed mum her clean bedroom & she was happy & telling us how wonderful we were, hehe :)
we started off alright, trying to cheer & celebrate as soon as the clock struck 12 & the fire works started. the 3 of us were upstairs talking & sarah started a list on the stuff a REAL party should have.
but at like 11:45, i went off to get drinks for sarah & me.
when i came back, mum & sarah had started an arguement over something so stupid like mum saying that sarah liked her friends better than family & sarah kept glaring at mum. so anyway, it was so dramatic.
i mean, what do you expect in a family that's 3/4 female ?
i tried to get sarah to apologise to mum & then the other way around & dad was kind of like "whaaateveeer".
but then mum tried to patch things up by saying that they should just forget the argument & forgive at which point, sarah should've agreed because it was 11:50 & like 10 minutes till 2010. me & dad were upstairs just waiting for the arguement to blow over.
but sarah insisted on an apology so mum got even madder, saying that she didn't OWE sarah an apology. so sarah started to sulk & cry upstairs & i went to comfort her.
then mum screamed at dad, telling him to not ignore everything that's going on but actually do something about it.
dad exploded. i mean, usually he's not shouting & not scary at all. but when he shouted at all of us that it was 5 minutes till new year & we were all acting immature over a stupid fight, it was so damn scary. like he just screamed at sarah & me to go to sleep, just forget any new year celebrations,, & to mum to just shut up & stuff.
& omg, that's when I started to cry.
i was so shocked when the tears came out. i wasn't crying because i was scared of dad's shouting or because mum & sarah were having an arguement.
& i usually don't cry but if i do, it's usually about family [not in a bad way i mean]. i really reckon it's true, that cliche saying, the people you love the most can hurt you the most.
i cried because it was the crappiest way to begin a new year. that dad could even SUGGEST crying ourselves to sleep into 2010. that when everyone else was celebrating & hugging & watching fireworks, we'd be holed up, hating ourselves for such a stupid fight. it seemed like no one even cared. i was angry at mum & sarah for being so stubborn to hold onto an arguement that ruined everyone's new year. i was angry at dad for not trying to fix it up but just scream because he was frustrated. i was angry at myself for letting it all happen.

i sat with sarah on my bed, both of us crying. we started to cry even more when it finally reached 12:00 & the fireworks started with everyone cheering outside.
but then i stopped crying little & tried to talk to her. i practically begged her to apologise properly to mum & kept telling her how dumb the whole thing was. she said she was sorry to mum but she was too scared to say sorry because everyone might shout at her again or just tell her to go to sleep. then she apologised to me for ruining my new year. eventually, she went downstairs & said sorry to mum properly.

obviously, mum forgave her immediately but it was so sad because everything felt late & everything was over. it was 12:30 & i couldn't really help but compare this new year to the one i'd had in korea last year which was so amazing. we sat on the downstairs sofa, sarah & me still kind of crying but talking & a little cheered up.

mum said that we should wake up dad to celebrate it as a family so i went upstairs to try & wake him & tell him that mum & sarah made up but he just looked at me like "whatever, i'm so over it" & then he told me "just tell them to go to sleep".
that shocked me again, that there could be so many problems in one arguement.

i guess i understood how dad was feeling because he was annoyed & angry at all of us for making a big drama in the time we were supposed to be enjoying the new year as a family. but i also kind of thought it was unfair to ruin the moment, now that everything's patched up.

so me, sarah & mum went up to my room & got ready to sleep but suddenly dad came in. he didn't shout anymore but he told us so seriously how disappointed he was but then he singled mum out & told her how badly she acted when she was supposed to be the mum. this part was terrible. mum started crying, she had a really vulnerable look on her face as dad told her & then she just broke down. she was crushed & just lay on my bed, crying. seeing mum cry made me cry so much. i'd never seen my mum cry like that over a few words & it hurt to see how ruined everything was.

but then dad sat us all down & everyone calmed down a bit [especially me, because i didn't really have a proper reason to cry in the first place]. dad took charge as the head of the family [even though, usually, that's mum] & he spoke gently about how we're going to have a fresh new start to the year when the clock strikes 1am. i felt so much better but sarah was kind of crying still & glaring that he made mum cry.

but everything felt so much better all of a sudden. we lay on mum & dad's bed, 15 minutes before 1am. we talked & apologised & laughed. mum & dad told me & sarah that it doesn't matter exactly what time we start new year, it's "arbituary" haha dad's words. in some countries, it's not even 12 yet. so we decided that our family would start it at 1am. dad said every day feels like new year with the family [which was totally corny but it felt so so so right.]

we counted down the seconds & when it struck 1am, long after the fireworks had finished, we laughed & did a huge group hug. then we talked a little & then mum & dad tucked us into bed.

it hit me that everything turned out so well, 1 hour late or not.
just an hour ago, it felt like the world was ending & there was no way that we could turn back time & stop the arguement.

but God works in amazing ways, & in a LOT of ways, the family felt so much closer through a dumb arguement. as much as there were a lot of ways that we could've avoided the arguement, there were so many ways that it could've ended badly. like if i hadn't convinced sarah to say sorry to mum, if sarah couldn't muster up the courage to say sorry to mum, if mum hadn't suggested waking up dad & if dad hadn't come to talk to the family.
& we were JUST in time to celebrate it at 1am.
it hit me that nothing anyone can do can change God's plan. it's awesome how fate is. & this new year, was also, one of the greatest & most memorable new years i'll ever have. God's pulled our family closer together even when we thought we couldn't get any closer.
i've learnt so much from that 1 hour. now i know that i don't have to make new year resolutions when i'm in God's hands. there's no way i can improve myself or try to be better.
so the only new year resolution i can make is whatever i do, i'll do it to the full & with the right morals, strong courage & huge passion for God & the family he's blessed me with.

happy new year.x.