I LOVE THESE SHOWS

"Arthur", "Angela Anaconda", "Madeleine", "Daria" [even if I used to hate it, I love it now; YOUTUBE IT], "The Big Bang Theory", "Rugrats", "Blue Water High", "Being Ian", "Lizzie McGuire", "Round the Twist", "Adventures of Bottle Top Bill", LOLOL "Frannie's Feet", "Angelina Ballerina", "Dance Academy" [way more recent] ! Also like "Stoked" & similar ones. These are amazinggggg.

TRENT & DARIA ON THE PHONE. YOUTUBE IT FUTURE ME <3 :LL



"Betrayal. Betrayal Betrayal. Dum dum" LOLOL

& AMAZING RANDOM EYE ART.


Regarding my title. LOL NO I am not suicidal, sadistic, pain-craving or even slightly morbid.

I just feel like I've been given everything- a wonderful, caring family, brilliant friends &.. you know, the usual. We are all top 1%. Not in the state [as all Rusians long to be] but in wealth in relation to the rest of the world. Even compared to everyone around me, I've never had an physical, mental or emotional struggles. I realised I don't ever remember suffering, going through any hardships or wishing I was someone else more fortunate than I am. But then I realised that getting it off easy like me- just being blessed, avoiding all complications, avoiding any hurt, even walking away from anything remotely difficult- made me empty. It made me someone who smiled at life from a distance rather than embracing it & walking carefully along the side instead of falling right into it. Excuse the crappy, corny, cliched metaphors. & then excuse the alliteration; couldn't resist. Anyway, there hasn't been a day when I haven't thought this. When will something big happen ? When will this thing I won't know how to handle happen out of my perfectly average life? Everyone has their big trials and triumphs. And yeah, I know that there's no guarantee that if I had been born into an uncaring family in extreme poverty, being bullied and tortured, that I would have had enough of a strong and true character to overcome it and make the best of it. But the thing is that I'm afraid of anything bad ever happening now. I'm scared of crying or losing it or challenging life. I realised that my biggest fear isn't someone close to me dying like I'd always thought but, instead something a lot bigger. My biggest fear is that something that used to be perfect might be broken. And if I had at least suffered through one event or something that hurt me, I might have a brave enough character now to be capable of taking risks, experiencing things and living. But instead, I'm stuck and afraid of that thing that is going to happen which is never going to happen.

Today, Sarah and I looked through albums of our parents' wedding, dad's mission as a doctor in Africa and mum's laughing & smiling at literally every photo where she's looking at us. It made me so nostaligic, even sad, and determined at the same time.

My dad, the amazing person and father that he is, is writing a series of chapters about his faith in God and words of advice on life personally to me and Sarah as a legacy. I can't wait to get them all in a proper book.

Before he told me to proof read them but now he's telling me to understand & be challenged by it.

"I strongly feel that we are belittling God by trying to fit his immeasurable and wondrous creation narrative into our puny human concept confining his creation into our puny time frame and puny spatial scale".

"The bible is not perfect because it belongs to the world and is finite...The bible is written by men inspired by God".

"With all its faults, science still has its usefulness as it tries to tell the story as it sees not blinded by self-centredness".

"Oh, Lord, make my heart pure and let me see your true glory with my heart!".

- Haesung Bak

I absolutely love it.

Makes me want to be a doctor because it is the profession of both faith and science- miracle and cure.



http://dumbledemort.tumblr.com/

http://hpotterfacts.tumblr.com/

On Friday, went to Bonga with my beautiful family & then went to the new Cafe Bom & had chocolate fondue yuuuuum. (:

GO SEE PHOTOS ON MUM'S MOBILE.

Yesterday, G market finally came with my thick woolly green & red scarves. Also my first ever proper lotion set that mum bought for me- feeling so grown up LOL.

I want to rage on Sarah's behalf for her stolen money. WHAT THE FRICK. WHOEVER THAT DICKHEAD LOWLIFE IS BETTER WATCH IT. Even if no one but you knows what you did, you'll have that pathetic crime on your conscience. Since when did you get the right to just take whatever you want ? Don't you care about anyone else you selfish loser ?

Yesterday, had a lovely rainy day full of Liz, Angela, Anqi, kbbq at Surasang Eastwood, korean fish ice cream, Pishon tiramisu & lots of random giggling, mms & onomnomnomnoms of satisfaction (:
Subject selection night- basically everyone sat with their parents quite seriously & listened. It was helpful in some ways but only the subjects I would never do because I don't have the guts [like the artistic, cultured ones] seemed interesting to me.

But my subjects so far that I should stick with without being so easily swayed by family or friends are;

3u maths, 2u english, chem, phys, bio & ag.

Hopefully, as long as I try hard, I'll be able to achieve my goals. I'm really not boasting because I know that I'm not smart and this is not something to boast about but I've already proven to myself that I'm capable of working hard to get good marks. Anyone can try hard & do well but I'm proud purely because I know I can. This subject selection shouldn't mean so much to me if I have faith [not in myself but in God's plans for me] that anything is possible. Ohh & short term, this year's goal is Maths 1 which I just want but only to get in rather than be in that class, if you know what I mean.

- Ever feel like you're drowning in a pool of stupidity?

School is very exhausting but so great to be able to talk to people again & not be a little hermit crab. I love Ruse like a second home ahahaha, except the lessons. Everyone feels like a friend & they're all awesome. (:

Tomorrow before subject selection info night, a bunch of us are going kbbq at Epping or Eastwood, COME ? Looking forward to the feeling of highness after eating a lot, ice cream from Woolies, macaroons, chilly night & uncontrollable laughter over nothing at all. Still juggling whether to choose bio or phys because, on the whole, bio seems so much more interesting & I just feel as if I'd enjoy it but phys has everything else like helping in 4u maths later on & better scaling. So yeah, I'll have to see after tomorrow's info night. I'm not the best at making decisions, admittedly, but I'm taking this one seriously. I think starting from year 11, I'll do private video logs [which I won't post] just so I'll know what I really thought & how I talked & basically what sort of person the camera sees me as. I want to sort of record my journey of senior years through seeing myself at 16/17 years old rather than just reading this blog. The future me will have forgotten by then. I think that's my biggest weakness. I hate that more than hatred, jealousy, guilt or betrayal. Out of all those soap opera emotions of blood & sin, I hate forgetting.

Today, I'll relax, eat my chicken wrap, LOLOL watch "Dance Academy" on youtube [because I'm a loser who has nothing to do] & ponder over my subject selection [which will, in the end, just be the typical run-of-the-mill subjects that comes from an asian-oriented mind, following the path many Rusians have travelled before].

So I was looking back at one of the diaries I used to keep & all I could think was "Gosh, I can't believe I said or thought those things".

Is it possible to lose depth or become more immature than what you used to be a couple years ago? I miss those years even if I wasn't exactly a perfect kid. LOL still am not but I used to think so much back then.

Munched on a scrumptious Turkey club at the Little Rock Cafe while mum had risotto. We then saw the new Rivers that had opened across the road from Baulko Stockland Mall so we made our way over there & bought 2 pairs of shoes [one of which mum loves because they're one of the few proper heels she's bought & it was very cheap] & a jacket/coat. Sarah was at Macquarie with her church group, ice skating & watching a movie, so we picked her up in the afternoon. Today was lovely- just a happy feeling of buying new things & eating nice food. Just then, mum & I watched I Am Number Four with fully commentary, mocking & laughing at the riveting storyline & ideas [of voldemort's monster gobbling turkeys, the alien having lighting up hands,, I think we were pretty high]. All in all, a great end to the holidays. Can't believe it's school already though; ceebs to go back & have to catch up on everything.

Does anyone realise Harry's sacrifice & resurrection is connected or even inspired to the much greater battle & suffering that Jesus faced? The Christian influences are so prevalent in this. In a movie & a fictional story, it's so easy to see the good side & the bad side. Voldemort's league of people who aren't truly evil but rather weak or misguided & those who are brave enough to fight for justice & what is right, those who sacrifice their own lives. Who will you be a warrior for in the real world, the world where temptation isn't as easy to recognise as a torturous whisper in your head? Will you betray Christ when something tempts you or you're scared of something lesser than him?
The question I'm trying to ask in a not-so-articulate way is that if the world was a movie, if our lives where put on the big screen, which character would you be? Someone inspiring, someone who grows & is always true to the right side, no matter what one could lose? Someone who, despite everything they lack, gives it their best shot? Someone who realises their gifts & talents that were only given to them for a purpose & uses it according to that purpose? Or someone like Draco Malfoy who is, pulled to one side so easily, someone who falls as soon as there is a chance of failure or loss, a lesser character? It's so easy to know which side you would join when you watch the movie & gush over your lost childhood but in this really confusing reality, it's so hard to be honourable & a true servant of the real Lord. Everyday there is temptation to put anything above God and everyday, so many of us give in to it.

As a warrior, do you even know who or what you are fighting for? Do you even know if you're fighting?

I really pray that each of us will see the battle that is going on each and every day. I pray that we'll heal each other's wounds and not be shaken, that we'll be courageous and always fight for God. Even if we're not Christian, we will see the real war that is going on and be the character that is seen as righteous. I pray that we'll never lose passion or faith & just know that God is with us, that we will live always being reminded of the sacrifice that actually happened & never lose hope in it.

Today watched HARRYPOTTER7THE END with Esther, Tiffany, Samuel, Joohwan, Raymond + Howard&Abes. I would just like to boast that although many people have called me a disgrace to humanity for not reading the books.. I have something to look forward to now & my childhood is indeed not over since I was busy reading EnidBlyton, Sarah Dessen, Cathy Cassidy & Lemony Snickett during my childhood & still have JK Rowling to look forward to. Plus my dad's read them all [+Lord of the Rings, Dan Brown, stuff like that] & has them. LOL BEAT THAT. Anyways, I believe this was the most epic moment during the movie even though I knew it was coming. That's what love looks like people.




Church camp was seriously brilliant but it's the only thing that I don't feel I need to recount everything for. God has really worked in so many lives & it's amazing that everything is predetermined way before anything existed- including everything I worry so much about everyday. It's a palpable sense of security, fellowship between brothers & sisters & love. I'm so blessed to have these incredible experiences at such a young age & want to become someone who stays strong in God & also realises & follows his will. So many fun moments aside like endless games of mafia, pushups, awkward shivering in the cold, skits, warcries jungle speed, amazing race & surgeries on broken fingernails as a result of jungle speed. Lisa Moore was the guest speaker & she's gone through so much. It's such an inspiration to know about what God did for her & what he continues to do. I want to keep being a real daughter & warrior of Christ. The prayer on the last night & the linking arms for the very end, looking around at everyone I've known for so long & the new people I've been so blessed to meet, was really touching. It was fantastic ((:

STEAM RISE; thanks to the teachers Martin, Royce & Christine.

Grandma & grandpa [dad's side] called to wish us a good camp & when I got the call, all I could say was "yes, yes, yes" politely in Korean since I suck at replying to my wonderful grandparents in my own language. After grandma told me how much she loved me & we said bye and everything, I waited for her to hang up. She thought she had hung up & I just waited, listening into the phone. And you know how usually in dramas, the person on the other line starts spilling some gigantic secret/scandal because he/she thought that the phone was off? [refer to the tv show Scrubs when JD is talking to Elliot while Danni's on the line]. Anyway, I listened to the background voices of my grandma telling grandpa about how every week I go to see her at church & all her friends say nice things about me as a good grand daughter & how much I've grown. It's just the usual commenting & obligatory praise so I never thought of it as much- since a grandma should love her grand daughter & her friends should smile at that. I just thought of it as natural. But when I listened in on my grandma telling grandpa it again how all her friends were jealous of her & she just started laughing & talking in pure joy about how much she loves us, how she is proud of us, all those times when we were little. I'm her first grandchild & she really adores all of us. It made me realise how real that is- that it isn't just "the usual commenting, obligatory praise, unconditional love", it's the real pride & love involved in family. I could just hear the smiling in her voice & grandpa's happy agreement. I thought I understood most things about family but it took me eavesdropping into my grandparent's conversation to understand the love they have even when nobody's watching. I have a lot to learn.

RECOUNT OF TODAY;

SYDNEY YOUNG NAK CHURCH'S 30TH ANNIVERSARY

A little about my church- SYNC. I may not be as close to the people there as school but it's like a family; a network of legacies, friends, families. My parents were married in that church like so many others. Two people who sang at their wedding [my dad's friends] are dads of the kids I think are so cute as they run around church. My grandfather [dad's side] helped found it. And I was 2 years old when the church moved to Telopea. It's been 30 years, meaning it has seen 15 years longer than I have. So many friends, trusts, brothers & sisters have been made at church. So many newcomers who've stayed, lots of people my age have grandparents & parents who are elders at the church. I know it sounds strange but it feels almost like a tribe or an ancestry. 30 years isn't that long but I hope that I'll still be here for so many years after to watch the church grow more. The video montage really helped to illustrate how special the church is- it showed the old location of the church, the people who grew up from teenagers to become church leaders, the different good times, the changes in faith. Also, we sang happy birthday for it, & I watched everyone I know around church, their kids, their parents, become something stronger than just people we see every Sunday. There was just this lovely, warm, celebratory buzz. The people who cut the cake was the Pastor, several other elders [including my grandpa & the Reverend who wed my parents]. I don't understand enough but I think I would have cried if I knew the church from the beginning. I wonder what it's like to have so much emotional investment in a place, more than anywhere or any feeling I could imagine. I want to see what happens in the next 50 years or so, how many new people will come to know Christ, how many people will become lifelong bros, how many newborns will grow up in the chruch, or how many people will be inspired to do God's will. I want to around when God blesses this body further & changes.

After church, my family watched Kungfu Panda 2. Yes, I will not go on about how awesome it was since everybody knows but CHYEAAH.
Tomorrow is church camp- so pumped for skits, warcries, intense sermons & pulling allnighters. Excitedddd.

Today, dined in style. No, not really, just had lunch at Sakae Eastwood [YET AGAIN] with grandparents [dad's side] where there was the inevitable "you must be a doctor", "you must learn how to speak korean", "I remember so much of when you were a baby". I love my grandparents <3 She always has stories of when I was a toddler I used to chase after her going "Ha-mi, ha-mi!".

We had the usual & apparently we're VIPs there now because we eat there so much [wooh freebies]. Ohh & Sarah usually dances in the elevator but today grandma joined her in doing so. SO FUNNAY , I wished I could've videoed it. But basically they were doing the dance where you pump your arms away from your chest & then back again. Grandma found her so adorable that she just followed & so they were just dancing in the elevator for a few seconds before resuming serious expressions when the elevators opened. LOL. Also, my grandma has those "hot hands" packets which when you shake them for a few minutes, they act like hot water bottles. Yeah, well grandpa & her shook them in unison before the food came out- just sat there, shaking in focus. Family is a lovely thing. ((: Mum & dad are completely normal in public surprisingly; dad has a reputation of being a "peculiar character" at church.

Afterwards, I watched Rainbow Romance with Mum

Thursday, went to Castle Towers with Tiff & our mums + Jin's mum all had Thai food while Sarah went shopping with Jin. Then Tiff & I separated & went in search of nothing in particular especially seeing as she had no money & my indecisiveness meant there was no point to me having any money. But yeah, easyway & my quest for a big green scarf were the main events of that shopping trip. Ohh & my fail convincing of trying to get her to come to church camp. She had a friend's sleepover to go to & I even suggested her friend to move to Telopea so Tiff could get to church on Monday on time but NOO she can't come. I even tried British & Indian accents but neither prevailed. Dr Lee afterwards where I tried to convince Joseph to come [without the accents since it was an awkward tutor setting] as well but his mum said no. SO CRAP; year 10 will be so few at church camp :(

Friday- pretty much did nothing I think. We went to Baulkham Hills Stockland to eat subway & followed mum into Woolworths. Mum let us borrow DVDs again from Blockbuster [because we borrowed from Video Ezy a few days before; Black Swan & The Adjustment Bureau, both sort of creepy]. So this time we borrowed GNOMEO& JULIET <33, Despicable Me, Morning Glory & I Am Number Four. Mum always spoils us so much; I should be more grateful to have her. She's not the typical Asian mum; she never forces, always encourages & always loves. She's done so much for us. It's the relaxed way she's raised my sister & I that, yes, we're losers, but we have really strong morals & motivation to try our best. Dad is really trustworthy & inspiring but my mother is my ultimate role model. & I know it's not common for someone my age to really value their parents like that so they're doing something right.

Tomorrow, after church watching KUNGFUPANDA2 [which I know everyone's already watched] with my family; going to be great !

ALSO TODAY--

Sarah had another skype tutoring session with HeeSoo [in Korea] & it went something like this. I practically fed all the lines to Sarah because she's never tutored anyone before & doesn't know what it's like to be the big sister. OHH just had another one. It was pretty funny. Like I was in the background telling her what to say.

-They have to read a kindy english book together]

HeeSoo- What are you doing? [stuttering baby english <33]
Me- Tell her you're reading
Sarah- Ohh... Just reading
HeeSoo- What.. What are you reading?
Sarah- um um
Me- "Morris goes to school"
Sarah- ohh, I'm reading "Morris goes to school"

& basically it was all like that. She also fed us jelly through the webcam, so funny.

Future Grace-- go see powerpoint pictures/screenshots. LOL.



HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD. I LOVE YOU & AM SO BLESSED TO BE YOUR DAUGHTER.


Today, we went to Sakae, there was a massive blackout that allowed for no special homemade dinner so we made do with whatever we had but the cake, presents & the light coming back just after we got home felt pretty special. Dad, covering up any hurt he might have felt at not having a more special celebration [that is, if he did have any, since his feelings are barely human; HE'S LIKE SHELDON FROM BIGBANG THEORY], is my role model. He's content with having just family around him even if he had to see patients today & wake up early. He did "rolypoly" with Sarah and said he was the happiest dad in the world. PLUS, OUR CARD with the caterpillar with googly eyes got him pretty entertained. My dad is freaking awesome even if he self proclaims it & we deny it- he's amazing. My parents deserve a billion times more than what they have.

I realised one of the first posts I made on this blog were about Rainbow Romance [which I'm rewatching for the third time because it was such a huge part of my childhood] & 500 Days of Summer [which is the blog layout]. It's funny how easily you just fall back into what you were into and what you were even if you thought you'd gone so far and matured so much. There's something really comforting about it; the same feeling when you go back to a playground or watch Disney movies.

Yesterday, went to Eastwood to buy the series + "That Person is Coming" & "GIANT". Love being absorbed in pointless dramas about superficial little sisters & obnoxiously shallow guys.

Today, went to Castle Towers to buy Dad's birthday present [a trenchcoat/jacket thing because he NEVER buys clothes for himself; like all the ones he owns is from grandma, aunt, mum or us]. He has only ever bought himself shoes. We ate at Cafe Sul Ponte [BRUSCHETTA, salmon bruschetta & penne yuuuuuum], bought a jacket & wallet & went dentist [where Sarah almost complained forever about & then almost died at]. Also, bought Dad's birthday cake [hoping to keep it a surprise] & borrowed Black Swan & The Adjustment Bureau from Video Ezy. Just so many treats stuffed into one day with so little to do & so much to look forward- so many smiles & shrieks. Usually I miss school but school is so tiring, I actually wake up later than I ever had before these holidays because I embrace them so much. Not fatigued anymore, looking forward so much to church camp & ready to be rested before another awesome term. Wollamsam now. Ciao.

Everything feels so hazy and confusing. It's like everything passes by without a chance to be snapshotted or recorded and it's just not good enough. It's like how year 7, 8 & 9 feel so close but such a blur behind & the next year, this year will just blend in and become part of the smog. I hate that feeling. Do you know what I do like though ? Getting so absorbed in a series of books or movies that you just forget to live in the moment; just because there's no pressure to actually live.

Cannot wait till church camp. It's like I'm waiting for something to hold onto or something LOL.

Just a question. How the hell do you hold onto time?

“Live in the present. Launch yourself on every wave. Find eternity in each moment.” - Thoreau




People judge your depth and your personality by what you say. The most simple fact is that you never know what anyone has been through and so who are you to judge? Even something where you let out all your thoughts and your day and everything that you feel can be a mask. The truth is I act one way to hide everything else. I'm tired of being classified, brushed off, not seen. Don't ever do that to anyone because it can hurt them, change them, take away their depth, until they really believe that they are what you have seen them to be and made them into.



Prefect assembly today was amazing; I will definitely miss ruse class of '11 :( BUT IT WAS FREAKING AMAZING LOL

Report was meh, 3RD IN MATHS which was the only one that blew my mind but yeah, everything else was pretty bleehh which is the reason I acted stupidly unhappy with my report. Pretty hard to understand but just, I can't help how I feel.

Went to Citrus [this group of my dad's friends] meeting dinner at Joseph&Sophie Kim's. It's basically a family friend sort of thing but they all met through a failed business venture years ago & they still meet up. Watched "Tangled" & played murder in the dark. I love being a kid.

I LOVE THESE SHOWS

"Arthur", "Angela Anaconda", "Madeleine", "Daria" [even if I used to hate it, I love it now; YOUTUBE IT], "The Big Bang Theory", "Rugrats", "Blue Water High", "Being Ian", "Lizzie McGuire", "Round the Twist", "Adventures of Bottle Top Bill", LOLOL "Frannie's Feet", "Angelina Ballerina", "Dance Academy" [way more recent] ! Also like "Stoked" & similar ones. These are amazinggggg.

TRENT & DARIA ON THE PHONE. YOUTUBE IT FUTURE ME <3 :LL



"Betrayal. Betrayal Betrayal. Dum dum" LOLOL

& AMAZING RANDOM EYE ART.


Regarding my title. LOL NO I am not suicidal, sadistic, pain-craving or even slightly morbid.

I just feel like I've been given everything- a wonderful, caring family, brilliant friends &.. you know, the usual. We are all top 1%. Not in the state [as all Rusians long to be] but in wealth in relation to the rest of the world. Even compared to everyone around me, I've never had an physical, mental or emotional struggles. I realised I don't ever remember suffering, going through any hardships or wishing I was someone else more fortunate than I am. But then I realised that getting it off easy like me- just being blessed, avoiding all complications, avoiding any hurt, even walking away from anything remotely difficult- made me empty. It made me someone who smiled at life from a distance rather than embracing it & walking carefully along the side instead of falling right into it. Excuse the crappy, corny, cliched metaphors. & then excuse the alliteration; couldn't resist. Anyway, there hasn't been a day when I haven't thought this. When will something big happen ? When will this thing I won't know how to handle happen out of my perfectly average life? Everyone has their big trials and triumphs. And yeah, I know that there's no guarantee that if I had been born into an uncaring family in extreme poverty, being bullied and tortured, that I would have had enough of a strong and true character to overcome it and make the best of it. But the thing is that I'm afraid of anything bad ever happening now. I'm scared of crying or losing it or challenging life. I realised that my biggest fear isn't someone close to me dying like I'd always thought but, instead something a lot bigger. My biggest fear is that something that used to be perfect might be broken. And if I had at least suffered through one event or something that hurt me, I might have a brave enough character now to be capable of taking risks, experiencing things and living. But instead, I'm stuck and afraid of that thing that is going to happen which is never going to happen.

Today, Sarah and I looked through albums of our parents' wedding, dad's mission as a doctor in Africa and mum's laughing & smiling at literally every photo where she's looking at us. It made me so nostaligic, even sad, and determined at the same time.

My dad, the amazing person and father that he is, is writing a series of chapters about his faith in God and words of advice on life personally to me and Sarah as a legacy. I can't wait to get them all in a proper book.

Before he told me to proof read them but now he's telling me to understand & be challenged by it.

"I strongly feel that we are belittling God by trying to fit his immeasurable and wondrous creation narrative into our puny human concept confining his creation into our puny time frame and puny spatial scale".

"The bible is not perfect because it belongs to the world and is finite...The bible is written by men inspired by God".

"With all its faults, science still has its usefulness as it tries to tell the story as it sees not blinded by self-centredness".

"Oh, Lord, make my heart pure and let me see your true glory with my heart!".

- Haesung Bak

I absolutely love it.

Makes me want to be a doctor because it is the profession of both faith and science- miracle and cure.



http://dumbledemort.tumblr.com/

http://hpotterfacts.tumblr.com/

On Friday, went to Bonga with my beautiful family & then went to the new Cafe Bom & had chocolate fondue yuuuuum. (:

GO SEE PHOTOS ON MUM'S MOBILE.

Yesterday, G market finally came with my thick woolly green & red scarves. Also my first ever proper lotion set that mum bought for me- feeling so grown up LOL.

I want to rage on Sarah's behalf for her stolen money. WHAT THE FRICK. WHOEVER THAT DICKHEAD LOWLIFE IS BETTER WATCH IT. Even if no one but you knows what you did, you'll have that pathetic crime on your conscience. Since when did you get the right to just take whatever you want ? Don't you care about anyone else you selfish loser ?

Yesterday, had a lovely rainy day full of Liz, Angela, Anqi, kbbq at Surasang Eastwood, korean fish ice cream, Pishon tiramisu & lots of random giggling, mms & onomnomnomnoms of satisfaction (:
Subject selection night- basically everyone sat with their parents quite seriously & listened. It was helpful in some ways but only the subjects I would never do because I don't have the guts [like the artistic, cultured ones] seemed interesting to me.

But my subjects so far that I should stick with without being so easily swayed by family or friends are;

3u maths, 2u english, chem, phys, bio & ag.

Hopefully, as long as I try hard, I'll be able to achieve my goals. I'm really not boasting because I know that I'm not smart and this is not something to boast about but I've already proven to myself that I'm capable of working hard to get good marks. Anyone can try hard & do well but I'm proud purely because I know I can. This subject selection shouldn't mean so much to me if I have faith [not in myself but in God's plans for me] that anything is possible. Ohh & short term, this year's goal is Maths 1 which I just want but only to get in rather than be in that class, if you know what I mean.

- Ever feel like you're drowning in a pool of stupidity?

School is very exhausting but so great to be able to talk to people again & not be a little hermit crab. I love Ruse like a second home ahahaha, except the lessons. Everyone feels like a friend & they're all awesome. (:

Tomorrow before subject selection info night, a bunch of us are going kbbq at Epping or Eastwood, COME ? Looking forward to the feeling of highness after eating a lot, ice cream from Woolies, macaroons, chilly night & uncontrollable laughter over nothing at all. Still juggling whether to choose bio or phys because, on the whole, bio seems so much more interesting & I just feel as if I'd enjoy it but phys has everything else like helping in 4u maths later on & better scaling. So yeah, I'll have to see after tomorrow's info night. I'm not the best at making decisions, admittedly, but I'm taking this one seriously. I think starting from year 11, I'll do private video logs [which I won't post] just so I'll know what I really thought & how I talked & basically what sort of person the camera sees me as. I want to sort of record my journey of senior years through seeing myself at 16/17 years old rather than just reading this blog. The future me will have forgotten by then. I think that's my biggest weakness. I hate that more than hatred, jealousy, guilt or betrayal. Out of all those soap opera emotions of blood & sin, I hate forgetting.

Today, I'll relax, eat my chicken wrap, LOLOL watch "Dance Academy" on youtube [because I'm a loser who has nothing to do] & ponder over my subject selection [which will, in the end, just be the typical run-of-the-mill subjects that comes from an asian-oriented mind, following the path many Rusians have travelled before].

So I was looking back at one of the diaries I used to keep & all I could think was "Gosh, I can't believe I said or thought those things".

Is it possible to lose depth or become more immature than what you used to be a couple years ago? I miss those years even if I wasn't exactly a perfect kid. LOL still am not but I used to think so much back then.

Munched on a scrumptious Turkey club at the Little Rock Cafe while mum had risotto. We then saw the new Rivers that had opened across the road from Baulko Stockland Mall so we made our way over there & bought 2 pairs of shoes [one of which mum loves because they're one of the few proper heels she's bought & it was very cheap] & a jacket/coat. Sarah was at Macquarie with her church group, ice skating & watching a movie, so we picked her up in the afternoon. Today was lovely- just a happy feeling of buying new things & eating nice food. Just then, mum & I watched I Am Number Four with fully commentary, mocking & laughing at the riveting storyline & ideas [of voldemort's monster gobbling turkeys, the alien having lighting up hands,, I think we were pretty high]. All in all, a great end to the holidays. Can't believe it's school already though; ceebs to go back & have to catch up on everything.

Does anyone realise Harry's sacrifice & resurrection is connected or even inspired to the much greater battle & suffering that Jesus faced? The Christian influences are so prevalent in this. In a movie & a fictional story, it's so easy to see the good side & the bad side. Voldemort's league of people who aren't truly evil but rather weak or misguided & those who are brave enough to fight for justice & what is right, those who sacrifice their own lives. Who will you be a warrior for in the real world, the world where temptation isn't as easy to recognise as a torturous whisper in your head? Will you betray Christ when something tempts you or you're scared of something lesser than him?
The question I'm trying to ask in a not-so-articulate way is that if the world was a movie, if our lives where put on the big screen, which character would you be? Someone inspiring, someone who grows & is always true to the right side, no matter what one could lose? Someone who, despite everything they lack, gives it their best shot? Someone who realises their gifts & talents that were only given to them for a purpose & uses it according to that purpose? Or someone like Draco Malfoy who is, pulled to one side so easily, someone who falls as soon as there is a chance of failure or loss, a lesser character? It's so easy to know which side you would join when you watch the movie & gush over your lost childhood but in this really confusing reality, it's so hard to be honourable & a true servant of the real Lord. Everyday there is temptation to put anything above God and everyday, so many of us give in to it.

As a warrior, do you even know who or what you are fighting for? Do you even know if you're fighting?

I really pray that each of us will see the battle that is going on each and every day. I pray that we'll heal each other's wounds and not be shaken, that we'll be courageous and always fight for God. Even if we're not Christian, we will see the real war that is going on and be the character that is seen as righteous. I pray that we'll never lose passion or faith & just know that God is with us, that we will live always being reminded of the sacrifice that actually happened & never lose hope in it.

Today watched HARRYPOTTER7THE END with Esther, Tiffany, Samuel, Joohwan, Raymond + Howard&Abes. I would just like to boast that although many people have called me a disgrace to humanity for not reading the books.. I have something to look forward to now & my childhood is indeed not over since I was busy reading EnidBlyton, Sarah Dessen, Cathy Cassidy & Lemony Snickett during my childhood & still have JK Rowling to look forward to. Plus my dad's read them all [+Lord of the Rings, Dan Brown, stuff like that] & has them. LOL BEAT THAT. Anyways, I believe this was the most epic moment during the movie even though I knew it was coming. That's what love looks like people.




Church camp was seriously brilliant but it's the only thing that I don't feel I need to recount everything for. God has really worked in so many lives & it's amazing that everything is predetermined way before anything existed- including everything I worry so much about everyday. It's a palpable sense of security, fellowship between brothers & sisters & love. I'm so blessed to have these incredible experiences at such a young age & want to become someone who stays strong in God & also realises & follows his will. So many fun moments aside like endless games of mafia, pushups, awkward shivering in the cold, skits, warcries jungle speed, amazing race & surgeries on broken fingernails as a result of jungle speed. Lisa Moore was the guest speaker & she's gone through so much. It's such an inspiration to know about what God did for her & what he continues to do. I want to keep being a real daughter & warrior of Christ. The prayer on the last night & the linking arms for the very end, looking around at everyone I've known for so long & the new people I've been so blessed to meet, was really touching. It was fantastic ((:

STEAM RISE; thanks to the teachers Martin, Royce & Christine.

Grandma & grandpa [dad's side] called to wish us a good camp & when I got the call, all I could say was "yes, yes, yes" politely in Korean since I suck at replying to my wonderful grandparents in my own language. After grandma told me how much she loved me & we said bye and everything, I waited for her to hang up. She thought she had hung up & I just waited, listening into the phone. And you know how usually in dramas, the person on the other line starts spilling some gigantic secret/scandal because he/she thought that the phone was off? [refer to the tv show Scrubs when JD is talking to Elliot while Danni's on the line]. Anyway, I listened to the background voices of my grandma telling grandpa about how every week I go to see her at church & all her friends say nice things about me as a good grand daughter & how much I've grown. It's just the usual commenting & obligatory praise so I never thought of it as much- since a grandma should love her grand daughter & her friends should smile at that. I just thought of it as natural. But when I listened in on my grandma telling grandpa it again how all her friends were jealous of her & she just started laughing & talking in pure joy about how much she loves us, how she is proud of us, all those times when we were little. I'm her first grandchild & she really adores all of us. It made me realise how real that is- that it isn't just "the usual commenting, obligatory praise, unconditional love", it's the real pride & love involved in family. I could just hear the smiling in her voice & grandpa's happy agreement. I thought I understood most things about family but it took me eavesdropping into my grandparent's conversation to understand the love they have even when nobody's watching. I have a lot to learn.

RECOUNT OF TODAY;

SYDNEY YOUNG NAK CHURCH'S 30TH ANNIVERSARY

A little about my church- SYNC. I may not be as close to the people there as school but it's like a family; a network of legacies, friends, families. My parents were married in that church like so many others. Two people who sang at their wedding [my dad's friends] are dads of the kids I think are so cute as they run around church. My grandfather [dad's side] helped found it. And I was 2 years old when the church moved to Telopea. It's been 30 years, meaning it has seen 15 years longer than I have. So many friends, trusts, brothers & sisters have been made at church. So many newcomers who've stayed, lots of people my age have grandparents & parents who are elders at the church. I know it sounds strange but it feels almost like a tribe or an ancestry. 30 years isn't that long but I hope that I'll still be here for so many years after to watch the church grow more. The video montage really helped to illustrate how special the church is- it showed the old location of the church, the people who grew up from teenagers to become church leaders, the different good times, the changes in faith. Also, we sang happy birthday for it, & I watched everyone I know around church, their kids, their parents, become something stronger than just people we see every Sunday. There was just this lovely, warm, celebratory buzz. The people who cut the cake was the Pastor, several other elders [including my grandpa & the Reverend who wed my parents]. I don't understand enough but I think I would have cried if I knew the church from the beginning. I wonder what it's like to have so much emotional investment in a place, more than anywhere or any feeling I could imagine. I want to see what happens in the next 50 years or so, how many new people will come to know Christ, how many people will become lifelong bros, how many newborns will grow up in the chruch, or how many people will be inspired to do God's will. I want to around when God blesses this body further & changes.

After church, my family watched Kungfu Panda 2. Yes, I will not go on about how awesome it was since everybody knows but CHYEAAH.
Tomorrow is church camp- so pumped for skits, warcries, intense sermons & pulling allnighters. Excitedddd.

Today, dined in style. No, not really, just had lunch at Sakae Eastwood [YET AGAIN] with grandparents [dad's side] where there was the inevitable "you must be a doctor", "you must learn how to speak korean", "I remember so much of when you were a baby". I love my grandparents <3 She always has stories of when I was a toddler I used to chase after her going "Ha-mi, ha-mi!".

We had the usual & apparently we're VIPs there now because we eat there so much [wooh freebies]. Ohh & Sarah usually dances in the elevator but today grandma joined her in doing so. SO FUNNAY , I wished I could've videoed it. But basically they were doing the dance where you pump your arms away from your chest & then back again. Grandma found her so adorable that she just followed & so they were just dancing in the elevator for a few seconds before resuming serious expressions when the elevators opened. LOL. Also, my grandma has those "hot hands" packets which when you shake them for a few minutes, they act like hot water bottles. Yeah, well grandpa & her shook them in unison before the food came out- just sat there, shaking in focus. Family is a lovely thing. ((: Mum & dad are completely normal in public surprisingly; dad has a reputation of being a "peculiar character" at church.

Afterwards, I watched Rainbow Romance with Mum

Thursday, went to Castle Towers with Tiff & our mums + Jin's mum all had Thai food while Sarah went shopping with Jin. Then Tiff & I separated & went in search of nothing in particular especially seeing as she had no money & my indecisiveness meant there was no point to me having any money. But yeah, easyway & my quest for a big green scarf were the main events of that shopping trip. Ohh & my fail convincing of trying to get her to come to church camp. She had a friend's sleepover to go to & I even suggested her friend to move to Telopea so Tiff could get to church on Monday on time but NOO she can't come. I even tried British & Indian accents but neither prevailed. Dr Lee afterwards where I tried to convince Joseph to come [without the accents since it was an awkward tutor setting] as well but his mum said no. SO CRAP; year 10 will be so few at church camp :(

Friday- pretty much did nothing I think. We went to Baulkham Hills Stockland to eat subway & followed mum into Woolworths. Mum let us borrow DVDs again from Blockbuster [because we borrowed from Video Ezy a few days before; Black Swan & The Adjustment Bureau, both sort of creepy]. So this time we borrowed GNOMEO& JULIET <33, Despicable Me, Morning Glory & I Am Number Four. Mum always spoils us so much; I should be more grateful to have her. She's not the typical Asian mum; she never forces, always encourages & always loves. She's done so much for us. It's the relaxed way she's raised my sister & I that, yes, we're losers, but we have really strong morals & motivation to try our best. Dad is really trustworthy & inspiring but my mother is my ultimate role model. & I know it's not common for someone my age to really value their parents like that so they're doing something right.

Tomorrow, after church watching KUNGFUPANDA2 [which I know everyone's already watched] with my family; going to be great !

ALSO TODAY--

Sarah had another skype tutoring session with HeeSoo [in Korea] & it went something like this. I practically fed all the lines to Sarah because she's never tutored anyone before & doesn't know what it's like to be the big sister. OHH just had another one. It was pretty funny. Like I was in the background telling her what to say.

-They have to read a kindy english book together]

HeeSoo- What are you doing? [stuttering baby english <33]
Me- Tell her you're reading
Sarah- Ohh... Just reading
HeeSoo- What.. What are you reading?
Sarah- um um
Me- "Morris goes to school"
Sarah- ohh, I'm reading "Morris goes to school"

& basically it was all like that. She also fed us jelly through the webcam, so funny.

Future Grace-- go see powerpoint pictures/screenshots. LOL.



HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD. I LOVE YOU & AM SO BLESSED TO BE YOUR DAUGHTER.


Today, we went to Sakae, there was a massive blackout that allowed for no special homemade dinner so we made do with whatever we had but the cake, presents & the light coming back just after we got home felt pretty special. Dad, covering up any hurt he might have felt at not having a more special celebration [that is, if he did have any, since his feelings are barely human; HE'S LIKE SHELDON FROM BIGBANG THEORY], is my role model. He's content with having just family around him even if he had to see patients today & wake up early. He did "rolypoly" with Sarah and said he was the happiest dad in the world. PLUS, OUR CARD with the caterpillar with googly eyes got him pretty entertained. My dad is freaking awesome even if he self proclaims it & we deny it- he's amazing. My parents deserve a billion times more than what they have.

I realised one of the first posts I made on this blog were about Rainbow Romance [which I'm rewatching for the third time because it was such a huge part of my childhood] & 500 Days of Summer [which is the blog layout]. It's funny how easily you just fall back into what you were into and what you were even if you thought you'd gone so far and matured so much. There's something really comforting about it; the same feeling when you go back to a playground or watch Disney movies.

Yesterday, went to Eastwood to buy the series + "That Person is Coming" & "GIANT". Love being absorbed in pointless dramas about superficial little sisters & obnoxiously shallow guys.

Today, went to Castle Towers to buy Dad's birthday present [a trenchcoat/jacket thing because he NEVER buys clothes for himself; like all the ones he owns is from grandma, aunt, mum or us]. He has only ever bought himself shoes. We ate at Cafe Sul Ponte [BRUSCHETTA, salmon bruschetta & penne yuuuuuum], bought a jacket & wallet & went dentist [where Sarah almost complained forever about & then almost died at]. Also, bought Dad's birthday cake [hoping to keep it a surprise] & borrowed Black Swan & The Adjustment Bureau from Video Ezy. Just so many treats stuffed into one day with so little to do & so much to look forward- so many smiles & shrieks. Usually I miss school but school is so tiring, I actually wake up later than I ever had before these holidays because I embrace them so much. Not fatigued anymore, looking forward so much to church camp & ready to be rested before another awesome term. Wollamsam now. Ciao.

Everything feels so hazy and confusing. It's like everything passes by without a chance to be snapshotted or recorded and it's just not good enough. It's like how year 7, 8 & 9 feel so close but such a blur behind & the next year, this year will just blend in and become part of the smog. I hate that feeling. Do you know what I do like though ? Getting so absorbed in a series of books or movies that you just forget to live in the moment; just because there's no pressure to actually live.

Cannot wait till church camp. It's like I'm waiting for something to hold onto or something LOL.

Just a question. How the hell do you hold onto time?

“Live in the present. Launch yourself on every wave. Find eternity in each moment.” - Thoreau




People judge your depth and your personality by what you say. The most simple fact is that you never know what anyone has been through and so who are you to judge? Even something where you let out all your thoughts and your day and everything that you feel can be a mask. The truth is I act one way to hide everything else. I'm tired of being classified, brushed off, not seen. Don't ever do that to anyone because it can hurt them, change them, take away their depth, until they really believe that they are what you have seen them to be and made them into.



Prefect assembly today was amazing; I will definitely miss ruse class of '11 :( BUT IT WAS FREAKING AMAZING LOL

Report was meh, 3RD IN MATHS which was the only one that blew my mind but yeah, everything else was pretty bleehh which is the reason I acted stupidly unhappy with my report. Pretty hard to understand but just, I can't help how I feel.

Went to Citrus [this group of my dad's friends] meeting dinner at Joseph&Sophie Kim's. It's basically a family friend sort of thing but they all met through a failed business venture years ago & they still meet up. Watched "Tangled" & played murder in the dark. I love being a kid.