Regarding my title. LOL NO I am not suicidal, sadistic, pain-craving or even slightly morbid.

I just feel like I've been given everything- a wonderful, caring family, brilliant friends &.. you know, the usual. We are all top 1%. Not in the state [as all Rusians long to be] but in wealth in relation to the rest of the world. Even compared to everyone around me, I've never had an physical, mental or emotional struggles. I realised I don't ever remember suffering, going through any hardships or wishing I was someone else more fortunate than I am. But then I realised that getting it off easy like me- just being blessed, avoiding all complications, avoiding any hurt, even walking away from anything remotely difficult- made me empty. It made me someone who smiled at life from a distance rather than embracing it & walking carefully along the side instead of falling right into it. Excuse the crappy, corny, cliched metaphors. & then excuse the alliteration; couldn't resist. Anyway, there hasn't been a day when I haven't thought this. When will something big happen ? When will this thing I won't know how to handle happen out of my perfectly average life? Everyone has their big trials and triumphs. And yeah, I know that there's no guarantee that if I had been born into an uncaring family in extreme poverty, being bullied and tortured, that I would have had enough of a strong and true character to overcome it and make the best of it. But the thing is that I'm afraid of anything bad ever happening now. I'm scared of crying or losing it or challenging life. I realised that my biggest fear isn't someone close to me dying like I'd always thought but, instead something a lot bigger. My biggest fear is that something that used to be perfect might be broken. And if I had at least suffered through one event or something that hurt me, I might have a brave enough character now to be capable of taking risks, experiencing things and living. But instead, I'm stuck and afraid of that thing that is going to happen which is never going to happen.

Regarding my title. LOL NO I am not suicidal, sadistic, pain-craving or even slightly morbid.

I just feel like I've been given everything- a wonderful, caring family, brilliant friends &.. you know, the usual. We are all top 1%. Not in the state [as all Rusians long to be] but in wealth in relation to the rest of the world. Even compared to everyone around me, I've never had an physical, mental or emotional struggles. I realised I don't ever remember suffering, going through any hardships or wishing I was someone else more fortunate than I am. But then I realised that getting it off easy like me- just being blessed, avoiding all complications, avoiding any hurt, even walking away from anything remotely difficult- made me empty. It made me someone who smiled at life from a distance rather than embracing it & walking carefully along the side instead of falling right into it. Excuse the crappy, corny, cliched metaphors. & then excuse the alliteration; couldn't resist. Anyway, there hasn't been a day when I haven't thought this. When will something big happen ? When will this thing I won't know how to handle happen out of my perfectly average life? Everyone has their big trials and triumphs. And yeah, I know that there's no guarantee that if I had been born into an uncaring family in extreme poverty, being bullied and tortured, that I would have had enough of a strong and true character to overcome it and make the best of it. But the thing is that I'm afraid of anything bad ever happening now. I'm scared of crying or losing it or challenging life. I realised that my biggest fear isn't someone close to me dying like I'd always thought but, instead something a lot bigger. My biggest fear is that something that used to be perfect might be broken. And if I had at least suffered through one event or something that hurt me, I might have a brave enough character now to be capable of taking risks, experiencing things and living. But instead, I'm stuck and afraid of that thing that is going to happen which is never going to happen.