Today, I went to Red Spoon with my family and had Pad See Ew noodles, heavenly spare ribs, beef salad [which Dad ordered and everything new he orders is delicious] and salt & pepper squid. Mum was so happy and she ate a lot for once while Sarah was sick and stressed because she has yearlies tomorrow and fever. I felt so bad for her so we bought her Boost after dinner and retrieved an insect project from other people so Sarah wouldn't worry. Mum and Dad were out on a mission [like they were driving to other people's houses while Sarah was in the shower] to collect bugs for her insect project.

Letter 19 — Someone that pesters your mind- good or bad


There are quite a few people for this one. Some people because they're just that awesome and others because, even if I don't know them that well, I still think of them from time to time. I'll have to choose.

Dear ya,

HELLO, you clearly don't read this but you make me want to bang my head against a wall for sometimes the best and worst reasons and I don't know why because I honestly hardly know you. Let's talk sometime. This is supposed to be taken as lightheartedly as possible.

Yours sincerely,

Me-
YFW.

Exams brought something back to me. Today, I honestly just wanted to punch myself in the face. Honestly. Not because I did badly [although I did by the way] but because of how much I cared about them. I know that you're thinking that I'm only saying I don't care because I did badly. And that's true but you also have no idea how grateful I am right now that I did do badly. I'm not even talking about improvements or realising my need to do better. If I had gotten good marks, I would've just been happy, academically shallow and high the whole day but getting the marks that I did made me realise that I need to get my priorities straight. NO NOT STUDY PRIORITIES- CHARACTER PRIORITIES. I have been living in a bubble and in that bubble, I haven't learnt what's really important. And, yes, it would be cool if it was an actual bubble but it's not and that's bad.

Today I was talking to someone and I just sighed and went "well, it's not the end of the world" [and that was just one of my more positive moments] and most of the people I said that to were either like "IT EFFING IS" or "yeah, you're right. There's always HSC". And then it hit me that lots of us couldn't see past that- past the success, or the career or even the atar. We all have things we want to have and be but we're completely missing out on life and I'm not going to pretend I know what that it is but I know we're definitely missing out on something if all we care about is a number we got on a test. And that's all I've been caring about for some time as well. That mark is not a symbol of your degree of intelligence or even how hard you worked- it's just something that we feel we need to depend on to be worth something. It always changes, it will never always be there for you and even if you consider it as a stepping stone to something greater, that something greater won't always be there for you either. I'm not even saying it to soften the blow for some people or make people feel better. It is the truth. EXCUSE THE MASSIVE CLICHE but I can't figure out how to put it better. This is the real truth. In the end, nothing and no one will be with you. There's nothing you can take but your soul and if your soul is always about coming first or never being good enough, then why were you ever alive in the first place? There are some people [approximately 99% of the nearly 7 billion people in the world] who don't have the opportunities we do so why are we bickering and competing amongst ourselves? There is something bigger than marks- HSC [LOL, this part is quoted from many lovely but confused Ruse kids]. There is something bigger than the HSC- love and life. There is something bigger than love and life- eternity.

So first I was disappointed and depressed but then I became disappointed in myself for caring so much. I don't ever want to be the sort of person that bases their lives on exam marks and lives to compare themselves against others. I guess this is a similar post to what Angela said a few months ago about trying hard, not for the mark, but because learning is a good thing and how she wants experiences more than achievements. I did understand that but I guess I didn't really believe in it because I was caught up with marks and achievements. But now, I've slowed down and realised what's more important and it's really fulfilling. I've got new goals now. I mean, really, isn't it a good thing that my personal meaning of life doesn't depend on a number? How pointless and unworthy is a number to determine whether I'm smiling or measure how good I am. What I'm saying is that I would give up very few things to have a bigger number scrawled on my test. Everyone who did well deserved it but we all need to see further than that. It is fair and everything is already set out for me, my entire life, so I would be extremely arrogant if I thought I had any influence over it. I just can't believe God had to fail me in this tiny exam for me to see it.

ALSO, MUCH MORE IMPORTANTLY.

HAPPY 43RD BIRTHDAY, DEAR MUM. I LOVE YOU LIKE NO DAUGHTER HAS EVER LOVED THEIR MOTHER.


After Lean Teens, Dad came home and for Mum's birthday, we went out to the city to eat at Nick's Seafood Restaurant [been there only once before] and it was extremely delicious. We ordered two steaks, a mussel platter [with the yummiest tomato/chilli stew/sauce in the world] and a cold seafood plate. It was so carefree, chilly but with perfect warmth, and sharing it with the most precious people in the world to me was the greatest feeling. I gave Mum a "mum" necklace that I bought like a year ago and Sarah and I wrote her birthday card on the car ride there. She caught us trying to do it quietly but we just went "SSH, TURN BACK AROUND. YOU SAW NOTHING". Also on the car ride, Sarah started annoyingly counting in Japanese...ALL THE WAY TO 50. Then she put on this even more annoying cutsie voice and asked Mum questions in Jap and because Mum had studied it to the highest level for all of high school, she kept answering. But then eventually Sarah got shut up by all of us. Darling Harbour is so familiar but it never fails to make me happy; the food and lights and just walking in the drizzle was so so lovely. Mum wouldn't let me take a photo of her but I managed to sneak a few from the back and I got one of Sarah and Dad. Today was amazing and I would not change a thing about it.

Just watched "Chloe" which I got off Celia today, mediocre storyline but still surprised me and kind of not the sort of thing you want to watch before you go to sleep. Also, don't want to be seen as a homophobic or anything but, in my opinion, parts of it were just disgusting and it was really creepy.

Anyway, back to my letter writing. I'm really bad at this.

Letter 18 — The person that you wish you could be

I'm not going to a letter about this one but I'll talk about something this letter reminded me of. It's just stupid but I will say that I am, without a doubt, the most insecure person I know. I wish I could really be as I pretend to be- kind of carefree & a little sped- but I always come through anyway with my complaining and depressed moods and panicking. I wish I could be what I try to pretend to be and I wish I could love myself. No matter what anyone else thinks, if you've got that, you're happy.

This is sort of what I wanted to say in response to Sarah's blog posts about how she never feels good enough and I always roll my eyes and yell at her to shut up because she's so pretty and talented as it is- because, in my opinion, she actually has no reason to be or think that way and then I realised that when she used me as an example of someone she compares herself to on her formspring, we all think that we're worse than each other. Us, teenage girls, we're all a cycle of insecurities, comparisons and trying to keep it together all the time. We all feel ugly and stupid and alone at times and our lives are comprised of cringe-worthy moments. As a whole, we're a mess; we're like humanity's PMS. I realised I was a hypocrite because I understand that feeling of being inadequate so well. If we all believed the nice opinions of other people who judge us, we would be a happy bunch. I admire the rare people who can genuinely forget to care about everything they lack and everything they want to be because, for me at least, it's such a big list. It feels like I'm just entering the awkward stage late and will exit it much later than everyone else. There is no part of me that I don't want to change but I also know that I'll learn to accept everything and feel good about myself once I've grown up a little.

I swear, when entering high school, the one thing I promised myself was that I wouldn't become a part of all that stupid teenage stuff and I kept it to an extent but broke it for the stupidest things. I keep feeling like I'm slipping behind and I feel like I can't let it out at all or catch up. I feel so behind and so imperfect that I would rather just ignore everything but, instead, I say that I want to start a new year. I'm going to conscious efforts to be more positive and break out of whatever I've built around me. And this is one of the first steps I'm going to take- I can't write a letter to the person I want to be because she is impossible and probably non-existent.

I'll take a break from stupid letter writing (never was good at that anyway, stupid expressing feelings LOL) and talk about today, Thursday, the last of yearlies, the day of Dr Lee and pea soup, the day of apparently nothing interesting according to Google. I shall write about today in detail.

Today was maths yearly and I failed miserably. Yeah, I'm not even exaggerating, and I'm really really sorry to all those people who had to put up with me complaining and wailing and whining [namely Jess, Catherine, Samuel]. It wasn't exactly a disappointment because you need expectations to be disappointed but it was saddening all the same =x I've gotten it over [after like half a pizza, oreos and milk & a piece of cake] because now I'm complaining about how much of a fatass I am. I think I really need to learn how to think and live positively because, otherwise, I think I might collapse from the stress of not doing so one day.

I felt so down all day afterwards so I couldn't even enjoy not having exams. During recess, I ate like 6 samosas or something and just hung for a while, skipping 4th period for complaining and just chilling. 5 period was French were Wilson informed us that the French geniuses who are continuing next year (Ceci, Kelly, Julia & Sing-young) averaged 91% on the yearlies and the rest of us averaged 61% LOL so we have to resit it until we pass [over 85%]. Fun fun, I swear he wants to make our lives miserable forever but when away from French [which is never of course], I think he's alright.

At lunch, Jess and I intruded music people practising their stuffs [FAR OUT, BRITTANY SINGS SO WELL & Young-Ju's good if she sang more than 3 consecutive words at a time, ahaha Catherine's LOL]. I got bored or something so I went outside where Suren and others were on the topics of boobs and Shang [mainly about how we don't believe that she's a C]. What else? Oh, then English where Emily and Sarah were lovely and funny as usual and then Geo, where I was a loner, Mr Sana was mean to most people but none more than like Gay/Hong/Jack/Bruce which was my freaking only source of entertainment because Gay got moved in the first 3 minutes even after praying that he would survive before he entered the classroom. After school was much more relaxing than the stiff atmosphere of Mr Sana's [how do you even spell his name] glare.

Catherine & I got egg & bacon pizza, refused to give any to Suren & Michael but Suren ended up taking 2 anyway haha. Then the rest of them came along- Samuel, Ben, Young-Ju, Jay & Poonie. I can't remember much except we pretended they weren't there- oh, maybe that's why. So then they all ate their pizzas while I got oreos & milk chyeaah. I felt so empty and depressed about maths yearly that I had to keep eating because I kept feeling hungry and nothing filled me. Suren & Michael left dodgily and then we all went to Epping Library.

Lots of dodgy, seedy, awkward and funny moments involving a little girl called Carla there who ended up playing handclapping games with us (Y). It was so funny because Catherine & I started teaching them how to play Pea Soup [back to primary school] & Carla joined us & then everyone else came. It was pretty funny because you all failed and Carla was an expert at catching onto handclapping games. For those noobs who don't know, Pea Soup is a highly competitive and strenuously artistic hand-clapping game where you have to freeze at the end and whoever moves first loses. I said that when playing Pea Soup, there was pride and honour at stake and to earn for whoever won so we all took it so seriously [not really Young-Ju & Ben gave up earliest then the rest of us gave up, leaving just Catherine & Poonie]. We played a couple of intense games which lead to grass being put down people's shirts to try and distract them, leaves being put up people's noses which is so gross and crutches being waved around in faces. It's good that the little girl [Carla] left early before things got too intense and there started to be cheating and dirty play in Pea Soup. Also, this is really weird but in the middle of pea soup, we turned around to see Ben swinging on the swings behind us but he was using Samuel's crutches for momentum and it was so funny if you saw it- so random.

In the end, it was the grand grand ultimate finale of Pea Soup and it left Catherine & Poonie fighting to the death. We left them sitting, completely still, on the fence because both refused to give up the pride and honour of winning Pea Soup so, because they couldn't move, we also put lots of grass on their heads so they looked like retards while doing it. Then we ditched them to go to Lolly World. It was like half and hour but we knew neither would give up so they just sat there, refusing to move, and when we came back, they had just gotten up. Both were aching but Catherine had had to give up to go to Dr Lee so Poonie won, LOL so yeah, he got the honour and glory of winning the handclapping game.

Dr Lee was so boring because it was on the same day of finishing [and screwing up] the maths yearly so I was hardly in the mood but yeah, Samuel said some encouraging [but at the same time, wholly weird and strange about childhood rivals and he sounded philosophical] things even though he's probably one of the people going through the toughest times right now and Catherine tried to make me positive [even though she was bitter about sitting completely still with grass on her head for half an hour and walking away with no pride or honour] and so thank you, you guys are great friends ((:

OH & this is what I learnt at Dr Lee.

[these are brackets]
(these are parentheses]
{these are braces}
I'll upload photos of the Pea Soup championships soon, so funny.

I came home and watched "Embarrassing Bodies" with my sister because it was the only thing on and it's so gross and not worth watching at all.









.. I fell in love.

Letter 17 - Someone from your childhood


*edit I'll do this one again properly because I've been skirming out because of yearlies.

Dear someone,

We had such fun times and you also fit into the criteria of people I've drifted from and all that but yeah, it's so weird how we barely talk anymore. But you're coming back from my childhood and it could be awesome.

Yeah,

the end.



Letter 16 - Someone that’s not in your state/country


HAI, STOP BEING SO SMART. I hope you don't get too stuck-up, Edward, it's bad for you cuz, LOL.

There has been entirely too many letters like this- somone I'd like to talk to as much as I used to, someone I've drifted from etc. and since it's the day before the first yearly exams start, I'll make this one quick.

Letter 15 - The person you miss the most

Dear motivation,

WHERE YOU AT ? I had you for a fleeting moment before you exited my life rather unceremoniously so I'm just going to mope around and study PE instead. I miss you so bloody much that I think I'm just going to dig my hole because clearly, if I don't, my reports will. I hope you know I think of you and wish for you everyday because we had some great memories- you remember the days with maths homework and calculator ? Yeah, good times, right ? But, without you, those times are simply not the same. Please come back to me; I'll treat you better. You were like a friend that could make anything better instantly and I wish you hadn't left.

Yours sincerely,

Screwed.

Letter 14 - Someone you’ve drifted away from


I barely know you anymore but you were so fortunate to be just that rich and have a life just that perfect, but you are living proof that money can't buy happiness. It's neither of our faults that we drifted- you're just a bubbly adopted kid that I knew a long time ago but the news about you was horrible. I hate that it's true and I hope you're better now, you have so much to live for and though I'll always pray for you that you won't try it again.

Letter 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you


Well, clearly I haven't lived enough. I think I'm too scared or not exciting enough to have wronged someone so deeply. Maybe I'll do this again in 10 years and see how much it's changed.

So instead, I'll bullet point my ever so eventful life.

# High resolves, leading year 8s, hunger banquet, riots/strikes/crime rates rising from low income group because they wanted pizza. It was cool (:

# PINK RIBBON DAY- loved the fairybread, music and general pink atmosphere of school today.

# Matrix- first ever chem & phys lesson with Margaret and Lulu [went bio on Wednesday with Esther] but yeah, it was pretty good. I think I'll have to put a lot of effort in for my 3 sciences but if I understand it enough and enjoy it, I think it'll be great.

# FML YEARLIES NEXT WEEK.
So, my typical day [along with a whole day of bludging for High Resolves] in a nutshell. Do you understand why, in that time, I couldn't find or ever have encountered someone I would want to forgive me?

Letter 12 - The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

Bro, I don't feel pain. LOL honestly, I'm lame enough to keep a blog but I'm not so much of a primary school kid to rant about someone online especially if they're not going to read it. I do useless posts a lot of the time but I'm not going to write a mega-hate post because of a letter challenge- that's just not cool. So:

Dear you,

It's hard for me to wish the best for you but I hope your life is filled with lollipops and rainbows and sunshine. I hope you never find out who you are in regards to this hate I shouldn't have.

Love (not really),

me.

Clue; You were not allowed in but you got in anyway.

Letter 11 - A deceased person you wish you could talk to

I'm so sorry for everything.

Letter 10 - Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to


I'm not the sort of person to hang onto people when we drift- phoning them constantly and meeting up. I thought it might've been because I was socially awkward or just lazy but I realised it's because I never miss anyone. I'm not really emotional [as most friends know] unless as a joke so I realised I don't look back on memories of a person, going fondly "I wish I still knew them" or glance sadly at them from a distance. Honestly, I do make the effort to go up and talk to people but if we don't stay in contact, I just don't miss them. I know that I won't never miss someone but, for now, I don't and haven't. Wow, I'm heartless. I do have a friend who I've drifted from a lot though so I'll stop squirming out of a letters and write one to this person.
 
Dear lovely friend,
 
There were so many stupid mini-dramas back then and now, I never have those anymore so maybe we weren't supposed to be close friends for long? Either way, you're an amazing person, with or without me. I can see you becoming a more outgoing, brilliant and responsible person.We talk sometimes but because we're not close anymore, I can tell you've changed and you're using your fake-nice voice on me- the one you use on everyone to be polite- instead of the usual "hi retard" thing that's supposed to go on between best friends. But that's okay because I'm polite to you too. It's just ridiculous to me because we're obviously different and that's why we're not close anymore and in front of others, it's as if we aren't friends at all but whenever we hang like we used to, it's as if nothing's changed which is awesome. I can't even think how it changed now but then again, I can't imagine what today would be like if it didn't. I hope you still consider me as someone more than just everyone else and I hope you understand some of this even though I'm brain-fried from week-before-yearly syndrome and you never judge me from what you see of me now. So yeah, going to be honest, I don't have like spasms of missing you and wanting to talk to you but when we talk, I wonder how differently you would if we were still close.
 
Love you lots,
 
this doesn't make sense, right? :L

Letter 7 — Your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush


N/A


Letter 8 — Your favorite internet friend

This guy has been with me through thick and thin.





Letter 9 — Someone you wish you could meet

Dear current motivational speakers of the world,

I AM SO EFFED FOR YEARLIES; get me motivated.

Letter 6 — A stranger


Dear billions of strangers out there,

I hope you do good so I can see what you do without actually meeting you (: And to the ones I will meet, I hope you are someone that I would want and trust enough for you not to be a stranger to me anymore. It's really mind blowing to think that so many who are the closest to me now were just strangers a few years ago so it'll be really interesting to meet the people that'll be a part of my future.

Yours sort-of sincerely,

a stranger.

PS. To readers, I'm not a douche for seriously writing to a bunch of strangers who won't even see this, I'm doing this purely for fun.

So am I seriously supposed to write a letter to my dreams ? I do not approve. I shall just tell you unwilling readers about them.

Letter 5 — Your dreams


Despite how weird and awkward I act in real life, my dreams are always as if they were written or a art video clip, poetry- really dark or beautiful. So I suppose the opposite of me. I never have funny or nonsensical dreams. I'll talk about the ones I can remember.
 
When I was young, I used to have dreams of what I was scared of most. I was standing on a circular tower at night but it was modern and futuristic, a glass window covering a whole wall, with someone telling my that my parents were dead but the person wasn't the least bit concerned. I guess you call that a nightmare but it was so calm and not horror/gore and still, I had a sinking and grieved feeling and I wanted to wake up but couldn't. I would never want that to happen and it's really bad just saying it. Like a trapped feeling? I'm guessing a lot of people have had this sort of nightmare before.
 
I had a series of those dreams when I was young and also a lot about trying to stop some people from coming into the house because they were supposed to be "the bad guys"- murderers or thieves or kidnappers. But the dreams always ended with them either forcing their way through or me struggling to bolt the door or me seeing them standing outside and being so scared that I'd accidentally let them in. Once in a dream, I had looked outside the window and seen a couple of them just looking up at the house and heading towards the front door and it was the worst nightmare; I had run to the door and leaned against it with all I could and pushed and pushed to close it but it wouldn't shut. I always wanted to close the door and, sometimes, the door would be open and I'd see a hand or a foot enter. I never got to see what happened afterwards- what happened when they made it in or if I ever just stayed safe. In real life, when the old-fashioned heavy metal door my house used to have got replaced by the prettier but lighter wooden and glass door we have now, I was terrified but I couldn't tell my parents about my stupid paranoia of the door always having to be strong and locked; as if the door is the ultimate protection. I still sort of have that but less now because hopefully I'm a little less insane.
 
This one is less nightmare. I wanted a dog once and had this dream of this adorable dog trying to run towards us and the dream was black and white or sepia toned [LOL yeah I just remember that] and there was this bridge that it couldn't cross. It kept running but it could never reach across the bridge and still I was happy because I had a dog but then it suddenly went colour and I blinked and the dog was gone.
 
I had this one more recently- like last year or two years ago. It was about rushing waterfalls and cliffs and I WAS A NINJA. Actually, I don't know if I was but I jumped from such high waterfalls and it was so free and refreshing but I landed on the rocks below so perfectly and I felt the force of it only in the air. I could feel the water and wind rushing. It's funny how easy it is in a dream but I wasn't scared at all and that is why I was convinced I was a ninja. I just kept going the like that the whole dream and it was cool and wet but when I woke up, it wasn't. It was a good dream.
 
Last week, I had what I imagine to be schizophrenia and I only realised it was what I had been dreaming about once I woke up but they were several hallucinations within a dream but sometimes I was crazily happy and sometimes so down. And all these happened in one dream- my contact lenses becoming jellyfish/octopuses as I tried to put them in and so many other Alice-In-Wonderland-esque things. I think it came from learning about it [slightly] in PE and watching Black Swan but all these weird things started happening that wasn't the norm of a dream because, in the dream, I would start screaming or crying or laughing at all my hallucinations and I would always yell at someone to help me because they weren't seeing what I was seeing and blaming them for not seeing it. I woke up feeling so sorry for the people who actually suffer from it- I think it's like being trapped in a nightmare.
 
Hopefully, you don't think I'm stranger than usual but I owe you guys a long post and most of these aren't that bad and I'm still trying to figure out a deeper meaning from them but I don't have one. Dreams are amazing things and it would be awesome to figure out how they work or more about where they come from.

Letter 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)


Dear Miss. Sarah Bak,

I am always lucky to have you my darling little sister. I would have no personality and life would be awfully boring without you. You are the only person that is legit effing hilarious and it has and always will be an honour having those epic and great moments every day and I would like to say that I had a part in who you've become but I think you did all that on your own :') I value your company very much. It'll be awesome seeing you grow up to look more and more like me LOL, you're FMLing about that but I'll have fun watching you suffer.

Yours spockly,

you're lame.

I wanted to do a post related to Sarah's latest post on her blog and formspring but I'm scared of sounding fake or saying everything that's been said before. I'll do it soon but I have to word it well and not ramble aimlessly like I usually do. Either way and in advance conclusion: Sarah, you have absolutely no reason to feel insecure like that. I don't know many people who are as brilliant and lovely as you and it's really saddening for a lot of us to think that you feel inadequate or not good enough because you're much beyond that and I hope you see and believe that soon.


Letter 3 — Your parents


Dear Mum and Dad,
 
Thank you. Any kid would be lucky to have parents who are even a fraction as great as you are and I can't even imagine how much self-sacrifice, hard work and patience would have had to come from you to bring about the childhood and life I'm having. Thank you for raising me to be me, thank you for introducing to me the values, morals and experiences I've had rather than forcing them onto me. Thank you for all the laughter and how you put us above yourselves without hesitation. I wish I didn't take you for granted and always wish to be a better daughter. You have never made me feel unwanted or unloved, you have never compared me or discouraged me and you have protected me against so many things I didn't even know of. Sarah and I have heard the stories from our grandparents about how much you loved us as when we were born and we know that nothing has changed. Thank you for all the happiness and love you have let us grow up in and for being the parents that we'll always turn to wherever we go. So often, I'm selfish and think I'm all grown up but you always let me figure out my own lessons. Thank you for spoiling us like crazy and yet not screwing us up. Haha thank you for literally never making me study or threaten me to be better but growing that desire in me anyway. I'd wish for every child to have parents like you and always cringe when I think of parents that aren't anything like you. You've given me so much.

I love you,

Your epic daughter who managed to write all this even though you probably won't read it.

PS. I promise I'll show you this someday.


& END NOTE, WOW LAST POST I DID LAST NIGHT, I POSTED EXACTLY ON 11:11- not a second above or below. AMAZING.

Hike was pretty awesome, I felt gross and exhausted like always but it was so nice just chilling and living. Days seem so much longer when you're away from everything and it's really beautiful out there. Also bonded with my tent buddies- it was strange because on the second night we realised we were all in different friendship groups at school but hike brought us together which was super duper corn, cheese but really lovely- so little shout out to Sophia, Maddie and Celeste <3 We soaked up each other's retardedness and observed each other dying, witnessed unpracticed hygiene habits and stayed up for like hours just planning a major sting attack/prank on the guys which didn't go ahead but it was fun planning it all the same- like a mission immersed in toilet paper and giggles. 99% no gossip and we were just little kids again; I'm really happy and warm about the great last few days I had. I feel like crying from having to go back to a place where we have to study for yearlies again and stress and become a part of it all. Really great time and it doesn't feel like it was only this morning that we were trying to HAIL DOWN A TRAIN in the beautifully scenic hole that is Wondabyne Station. I will upload photos tomorrow but honestly and obviously, they don't do the experience or the fun times justice.

SUUUUPER excited for hike tomorrow and getting there by taking a train with my grandparents [dad's side] because public transport dislikes me or I'm a noob, either one. Going to have a fun, picnic-like time because my grandparents [particularly my grandma] loves making a huge fuss out of outings and packs perfect lunchboxes and everything; lots of fun.

& the actual hike will be exciting, exhausting but all worth it, planning on taking lots of photos rather than writing about it.


Letter 2- Your crush

Whatevs, I was never stupid enough to have one of those.

Letter 1 — Your best friend


I have a few who I all love equally and hate to leave anyone out but obviously, I have to choose for the purpose of this letter. LOL this doesn't even have to be mysterious, HI SUREN. I don't really need to write a letter because I'll see you like next week but thank you for being such a wonderful friend, for all those hilarious and immature moments, being so loyal and nice, and never having a single serious fight, and you are honestly one of the strongest people I know. You have actual real world problems unlike some people in our grade who just like to make dramas and yet you're never selfish or seek attention and even some of your closest friends [including me] could never figure them out for a long time. Sorry I haven't tried to ask or become serious mode but I'm awkward at that stuff ! You & Michael have got to be one of the cutest couples I've ever seen and it's always a pleasure third-wheeling LOL. I couldn't imagine to have gone through some of the things you have and still you're so bubbly and happy and a tad bit insane all the time. So thank you for being you. I've been seriously lucky to know you and have you as a friend x (:

& because it's a letter.

Yours sincerely, the awesomest, geniusest, prettiest, amazingest, loveliest, farmoresuperiorthaneveryoneest person in the world, me :D


Letter 2 — Your crush

Letter 3 — Your parents

Letter 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)

Letter 5 — Your dreams

Letter 6 — A stranger

Letter 7 — Your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

Letter 8 — Your favorite internet friend

Letter 9 — Someone you wish you could meet

Letter 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

Letter 11 — A deceased person you wish you could talk to

Letter 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

Letter 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you

Letter 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from

Letter 15 — The person you miss the most

Letter 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country

Letter 17 — Someone from your childhood

Letter 18 — The person that you wish you could be

Letter 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad

Letter 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest

Letter 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression

Letter 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to

Letter 23 — The last person you kissed

Letter 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory

Letter 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times

Letter 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to

Letter 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day

Letter 28 — Someone that changed your life

Letter 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to

Letter 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

Today, I went to Red Spoon with my family and had Pad See Ew noodles, heavenly spare ribs, beef salad [which Dad ordered and everything new he orders is delicious] and salt & pepper squid. Mum was so happy and she ate a lot for once while Sarah was sick and stressed because she has yearlies tomorrow and fever. I felt so bad for her so we bought her Boost after dinner and retrieved an insect project from other people so Sarah wouldn't worry. Mum and Dad were out on a mission [like they were driving to other people's houses while Sarah was in the shower] to collect bugs for her insect project.

Letter 19 — Someone that pesters your mind- good or bad


There are quite a few people for this one. Some people because they're just that awesome and others because, even if I don't know them that well, I still think of them from time to time. I'll have to choose.

Dear ya,

HELLO, you clearly don't read this but you make me want to bang my head against a wall for sometimes the best and worst reasons and I don't know why because I honestly hardly know you. Let's talk sometime. This is supposed to be taken as lightheartedly as possible.

Yours sincerely,

Me-
YFW.

Exams brought something back to me. Today, I honestly just wanted to punch myself in the face. Honestly. Not because I did badly [although I did by the way] but because of how much I cared about them. I know that you're thinking that I'm only saying I don't care because I did badly. And that's true but you also have no idea how grateful I am right now that I did do badly. I'm not even talking about improvements or realising my need to do better. If I had gotten good marks, I would've just been happy, academically shallow and high the whole day but getting the marks that I did made me realise that I need to get my priorities straight. NO NOT STUDY PRIORITIES- CHARACTER PRIORITIES. I have been living in a bubble and in that bubble, I haven't learnt what's really important. And, yes, it would be cool if it was an actual bubble but it's not and that's bad.

Today I was talking to someone and I just sighed and went "well, it's not the end of the world" [and that was just one of my more positive moments] and most of the people I said that to were either like "IT EFFING IS" or "yeah, you're right. There's always HSC". And then it hit me that lots of us couldn't see past that- past the success, or the career or even the atar. We all have things we want to have and be but we're completely missing out on life and I'm not going to pretend I know what that it is but I know we're definitely missing out on something if all we care about is a number we got on a test. And that's all I've been caring about for some time as well. That mark is not a symbol of your degree of intelligence or even how hard you worked- it's just something that we feel we need to depend on to be worth something. It always changes, it will never always be there for you and even if you consider it as a stepping stone to something greater, that something greater won't always be there for you either. I'm not even saying it to soften the blow for some people or make people feel better. It is the truth. EXCUSE THE MASSIVE CLICHE but I can't figure out how to put it better. This is the real truth. In the end, nothing and no one will be with you. There's nothing you can take but your soul and if your soul is always about coming first or never being good enough, then why were you ever alive in the first place? There are some people [approximately 99% of the nearly 7 billion people in the world] who don't have the opportunities we do so why are we bickering and competing amongst ourselves? There is something bigger than marks- HSC [LOL, this part is quoted from many lovely but confused Ruse kids]. There is something bigger than the HSC- love and life. There is something bigger than love and life- eternity.

So first I was disappointed and depressed but then I became disappointed in myself for caring so much. I don't ever want to be the sort of person that bases their lives on exam marks and lives to compare themselves against others. I guess this is a similar post to what Angela said a few months ago about trying hard, not for the mark, but because learning is a good thing and how she wants experiences more than achievements. I did understand that but I guess I didn't really believe in it because I was caught up with marks and achievements. But now, I've slowed down and realised what's more important and it's really fulfilling. I've got new goals now. I mean, really, isn't it a good thing that my personal meaning of life doesn't depend on a number? How pointless and unworthy is a number to determine whether I'm smiling or measure how good I am. What I'm saying is that I would give up very few things to have a bigger number scrawled on my test. Everyone who did well deserved it but we all need to see further than that. It is fair and everything is already set out for me, my entire life, so I would be extremely arrogant if I thought I had any influence over it. I just can't believe God had to fail me in this tiny exam for me to see it.

ALSO, MUCH MORE IMPORTANTLY.

HAPPY 43RD BIRTHDAY, DEAR MUM. I LOVE YOU LIKE NO DAUGHTER HAS EVER LOVED THEIR MOTHER.


After Lean Teens, Dad came home and for Mum's birthday, we went out to the city to eat at Nick's Seafood Restaurant [been there only once before] and it was extremely delicious. We ordered two steaks, a mussel platter [with the yummiest tomato/chilli stew/sauce in the world] and a cold seafood plate. It was so carefree, chilly but with perfect warmth, and sharing it with the most precious people in the world to me was the greatest feeling. I gave Mum a "mum" necklace that I bought like a year ago and Sarah and I wrote her birthday card on the car ride there. She caught us trying to do it quietly but we just went "SSH, TURN BACK AROUND. YOU SAW NOTHING". Also on the car ride, Sarah started annoyingly counting in Japanese...ALL THE WAY TO 50. Then she put on this even more annoying cutsie voice and asked Mum questions in Jap and because Mum had studied it to the highest level for all of high school, she kept answering. But then eventually Sarah got shut up by all of us. Darling Harbour is so familiar but it never fails to make me happy; the food and lights and just walking in the drizzle was so so lovely. Mum wouldn't let me take a photo of her but I managed to sneak a few from the back and I got one of Sarah and Dad. Today was amazing and I would not change a thing about it.

Just watched "Chloe" which I got off Celia today, mediocre storyline but still surprised me and kind of not the sort of thing you want to watch before you go to sleep. Also, don't want to be seen as a homophobic or anything but, in my opinion, parts of it were just disgusting and it was really creepy.

Anyway, back to my letter writing. I'm really bad at this.

Letter 18 — The person that you wish you could be

I'm not going to a letter about this one but I'll talk about something this letter reminded me of. It's just stupid but I will say that I am, without a doubt, the most insecure person I know. I wish I could really be as I pretend to be- kind of carefree & a little sped- but I always come through anyway with my complaining and depressed moods and panicking. I wish I could be what I try to pretend to be and I wish I could love myself. No matter what anyone else thinks, if you've got that, you're happy.

This is sort of what I wanted to say in response to Sarah's blog posts about how she never feels good enough and I always roll my eyes and yell at her to shut up because she's so pretty and talented as it is- because, in my opinion, she actually has no reason to be or think that way and then I realised that when she used me as an example of someone she compares herself to on her formspring, we all think that we're worse than each other. Us, teenage girls, we're all a cycle of insecurities, comparisons and trying to keep it together all the time. We all feel ugly and stupid and alone at times and our lives are comprised of cringe-worthy moments. As a whole, we're a mess; we're like humanity's PMS. I realised I was a hypocrite because I understand that feeling of being inadequate so well. If we all believed the nice opinions of other people who judge us, we would be a happy bunch. I admire the rare people who can genuinely forget to care about everything they lack and everything they want to be because, for me at least, it's such a big list. It feels like I'm just entering the awkward stage late and will exit it much later than everyone else. There is no part of me that I don't want to change but I also know that I'll learn to accept everything and feel good about myself once I've grown up a little.

I swear, when entering high school, the one thing I promised myself was that I wouldn't become a part of all that stupid teenage stuff and I kept it to an extent but broke it for the stupidest things. I keep feeling like I'm slipping behind and I feel like I can't let it out at all or catch up. I feel so behind and so imperfect that I would rather just ignore everything but, instead, I say that I want to start a new year. I'm going to conscious efforts to be more positive and break out of whatever I've built around me. And this is one of the first steps I'm going to take- I can't write a letter to the person I want to be because she is impossible and probably non-existent.

I'll take a break from stupid letter writing (never was good at that anyway, stupid expressing feelings LOL) and talk about today, Thursday, the last of yearlies, the day of Dr Lee and pea soup, the day of apparently nothing interesting according to Google. I shall write about today in detail.

Today was maths yearly and I failed miserably. Yeah, I'm not even exaggerating, and I'm really really sorry to all those people who had to put up with me complaining and wailing and whining [namely Jess, Catherine, Samuel]. It wasn't exactly a disappointment because you need expectations to be disappointed but it was saddening all the same =x I've gotten it over [after like half a pizza, oreos and milk & a piece of cake] because now I'm complaining about how much of a fatass I am. I think I really need to learn how to think and live positively because, otherwise, I think I might collapse from the stress of not doing so one day.

I felt so down all day afterwards so I couldn't even enjoy not having exams. During recess, I ate like 6 samosas or something and just hung for a while, skipping 4th period for complaining and just chilling. 5 period was French were Wilson informed us that the French geniuses who are continuing next year (Ceci, Kelly, Julia & Sing-young) averaged 91% on the yearlies and the rest of us averaged 61% LOL so we have to resit it until we pass [over 85%]. Fun fun, I swear he wants to make our lives miserable forever but when away from French [which is never of course], I think he's alright.

At lunch, Jess and I intruded music people practising their stuffs [FAR OUT, BRITTANY SINGS SO WELL & Young-Ju's good if she sang more than 3 consecutive words at a time, ahaha Catherine's LOL]. I got bored or something so I went outside where Suren and others were on the topics of boobs and Shang [mainly about how we don't believe that she's a C]. What else? Oh, then English where Emily and Sarah were lovely and funny as usual and then Geo, where I was a loner, Mr Sana was mean to most people but none more than like Gay/Hong/Jack/Bruce which was my freaking only source of entertainment because Gay got moved in the first 3 minutes even after praying that he would survive before he entered the classroom. After school was much more relaxing than the stiff atmosphere of Mr Sana's [how do you even spell his name] glare.

Catherine & I got egg & bacon pizza, refused to give any to Suren & Michael but Suren ended up taking 2 anyway haha. Then the rest of them came along- Samuel, Ben, Young-Ju, Jay & Poonie. I can't remember much except we pretended they weren't there- oh, maybe that's why. So then they all ate their pizzas while I got oreos & milk chyeaah. I felt so empty and depressed about maths yearly that I had to keep eating because I kept feeling hungry and nothing filled me. Suren & Michael left dodgily and then we all went to Epping Library.

Lots of dodgy, seedy, awkward and funny moments involving a little girl called Carla there who ended up playing handclapping games with us (Y). It was so funny because Catherine & I started teaching them how to play Pea Soup [back to primary school] & Carla joined us & then everyone else came. It was pretty funny because you all failed and Carla was an expert at catching onto handclapping games. For those noobs who don't know, Pea Soup is a highly competitive and strenuously artistic hand-clapping game where you have to freeze at the end and whoever moves first loses. I said that when playing Pea Soup, there was pride and honour at stake and to earn for whoever won so we all took it so seriously [not really Young-Ju & Ben gave up earliest then the rest of us gave up, leaving just Catherine & Poonie]. We played a couple of intense games which lead to grass being put down people's shirts to try and distract them, leaves being put up people's noses which is so gross and crutches being waved around in faces. It's good that the little girl [Carla] left early before things got too intense and there started to be cheating and dirty play in Pea Soup. Also, this is really weird but in the middle of pea soup, we turned around to see Ben swinging on the swings behind us but he was using Samuel's crutches for momentum and it was so funny if you saw it- so random.

In the end, it was the grand grand ultimate finale of Pea Soup and it left Catherine & Poonie fighting to the death. We left them sitting, completely still, on the fence because both refused to give up the pride and honour of winning Pea Soup so, because they couldn't move, we also put lots of grass on their heads so they looked like retards while doing it. Then we ditched them to go to Lolly World. It was like half and hour but we knew neither would give up so they just sat there, refusing to move, and when we came back, they had just gotten up. Both were aching but Catherine had had to give up to go to Dr Lee so Poonie won, LOL so yeah, he got the honour and glory of winning the handclapping game.

Dr Lee was so boring because it was on the same day of finishing [and screwing up] the maths yearly so I was hardly in the mood but yeah, Samuel said some encouraging [but at the same time, wholly weird and strange about childhood rivals and he sounded philosophical] things even though he's probably one of the people going through the toughest times right now and Catherine tried to make me positive [even though she was bitter about sitting completely still with grass on her head for half an hour and walking away with no pride or honour] and so thank you, you guys are great friends ((:

OH & this is what I learnt at Dr Lee.

[these are brackets]
(these are parentheses]
{these are braces}
I'll upload photos of the Pea Soup championships soon, so funny.

I came home and watched "Embarrassing Bodies" with my sister because it was the only thing on and it's so gross and not worth watching at all.









.. I fell in love.

Letter 17 - Someone from your childhood


*edit I'll do this one again properly because I've been skirming out because of yearlies.

Dear someone,

We had such fun times and you also fit into the criteria of people I've drifted from and all that but yeah, it's so weird how we barely talk anymore. But you're coming back from my childhood and it could be awesome.

Yeah,

the end.



Letter 16 - Someone that’s not in your state/country


HAI, STOP BEING SO SMART. I hope you don't get too stuck-up, Edward, it's bad for you cuz, LOL.

There has been entirely too many letters like this- somone I'd like to talk to as much as I used to, someone I've drifted from etc. and since it's the day before the first yearly exams start, I'll make this one quick.

Letter 15 - The person you miss the most

Dear motivation,

WHERE YOU AT ? I had you for a fleeting moment before you exited my life rather unceremoniously so I'm just going to mope around and study PE instead. I miss you so bloody much that I think I'm just going to dig my hole because clearly, if I don't, my reports will. I hope you know I think of you and wish for you everyday because we had some great memories- you remember the days with maths homework and calculator ? Yeah, good times, right ? But, without you, those times are simply not the same. Please come back to me; I'll treat you better. You were like a friend that could make anything better instantly and I wish you hadn't left.

Yours sincerely,

Screwed.

Letter 14 - Someone you’ve drifted away from


I barely know you anymore but you were so fortunate to be just that rich and have a life just that perfect, but you are living proof that money can't buy happiness. It's neither of our faults that we drifted- you're just a bubbly adopted kid that I knew a long time ago but the news about you was horrible. I hate that it's true and I hope you're better now, you have so much to live for and though I'll always pray for you that you won't try it again.

Letter 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you


Well, clearly I haven't lived enough. I think I'm too scared or not exciting enough to have wronged someone so deeply. Maybe I'll do this again in 10 years and see how much it's changed.

So instead, I'll bullet point my ever so eventful life.

# High resolves, leading year 8s, hunger banquet, riots/strikes/crime rates rising from low income group because they wanted pizza. It was cool (:

# PINK RIBBON DAY- loved the fairybread, music and general pink atmosphere of school today.

# Matrix- first ever chem & phys lesson with Margaret and Lulu [went bio on Wednesday with Esther] but yeah, it was pretty good. I think I'll have to put a lot of effort in for my 3 sciences but if I understand it enough and enjoy it, I think it'll be great.

# FML YEARLIES NEXT WEEK.
So, my typical day [along with a whole day of bludging for High Resolves] in a nutshell. Do you understand why, in that time, I couldn't find or ever have encountered someone I would want to forgive me?

Letter 12 - The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

Bro, I don't feel pain. LOL honestly, I'm lame enough to keep a blog but I'm not so much of a primary school kid to rant about someone online especially if they're not going to read it. I do useless posts a lot of the time but I'm not going to write a mega-hate post because of a letter challenge- that's just not cool. So:

Dear you,

It's hard for me to wish the best for you but I hope your life is filled with lollipops and rainbows and sunshine. I hope you never find out who you are in regards to this hate I shouldn't have.

Love (not really),

me.

Clue; You were not allowed in but you got in anyway.

Letter 11 - A deceased person you wish you could talk to

I'm so sorry for everything.

Letter 10 - Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to


I'm not the sort of person to hang onto people when we drift- phoning them constantly and meeting up. I thought it might've been because I was socially awkward or just lazy but I realised it's because I never miss anyone. I'm not really emotional [as most friends know] unless as a joke so I realised I don't look back on memories of a person, going fondly "I wish I still knew them" or glance sadly at them from a distance. Honestly, I do make the effort to go up and talk to people but if we don't stay in contact, I just don't miss them. I know that I won't never miss someone but, for now, I don't and haven't. Wow, I'm heartless. I do have a friend who I've drifted from a lot though so I'll stop squirming out of a letters and write one to this person.
 
Dear lovely friend,
 
There were so many stupid mini-dramas back then and now, I never have those anymore so maybe we weren't supposed to be close friends for long? Either way, you're an amazing person, with or without me. I can see you becoming a more outgoing, brilliant and responsible person.We talk sometimes but because we're not close anymore, I can tell you've changed and you're using your fake-nice voice on me- the one you use on everyone to be polite- instead of the usual "hi retard" thing that's supposed to go on between best friends. But that's okay because I'm polite to you too. It's just ridiculous to me because we're obviously different and that's why we're not close anymore and in front of others, it's as if we aren't friends at all but whenever we hang like we used to, it's as if nothing's changed which is awesome. I can't even think how it changed now but then again, I can't imagine what today would be like if it didn't. I hope you still consider me as someone more than just everyone else and I hope you understand some of this even though I'm brain-fried from week-before-yearly syndrome and you never judge me from what you see of me now. So yeah, going to be honest, I don't have like spasms of missing you and wanting to talk to you but when we talk, I wonder how differently you would if we were still close.
 
Love you lots,
 
this doesn't make sense, right? :L

Letter 7 — Your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush


N/A


Letter 8 — Your favorite internet friend

This guy has been with me through thick and thin.





Letter 9 — Someone you wish you could meet

Dear current motivational speakers of the world,

I AM SO EFFED FOR YEARLIES; get me motivated.

Letter 6 — A stranger


Dear billions of strangers out there,

I hope you do good so I can see what you do without actually meeting you (: And to the ones I will meet, I hope you are someone that I would want and trust enough for you not to be a stranger to me anymore. It's really mind blowing to think that so many who are the closest to me now were just strangers a few years ago so it'll be really interesting to meet the people that'll be a part of my future.

Yours sort-of sincerely,

a stranger.

PS. To readers, I'm not a douche for seriously writing to a bunch of strangers who won't even see this, I'm doing this purely for fun.

So am I seriously supposed to write a letter to my dreams ? I do not approve. I shall just tell you unwilling readers about them.

Letter 5 — Your dreams


Despite how weird and awkward I act in real life, my dreams are always as if they were written or a art video clip, poetry- really dark or beautiful. So I suppose the opposite of me. I never have funny or nonsensical dreams. I'll talk about the ones I can remember.
 
When I was young, I used to have dreams of what I was scared of most. I was standing on a circular tower at night but it was modern and futuristic, a glass window covering a whole wall, with someone telling my that my parents were dead but the person wasn't the least bit concerned. I guess you call that a nightmare but it was so calm and not horror/gore and still, I had a sinking and grieved feeling and I wanted to wake up but couldn't. I would never want that to happen and it's really bad just saying it. Like a trapped feeling? I'm guessing a lot of people have had this sort of nightmare before.
 
I had a series of those dreams when I was young and also a lot about trying to stop some people from coming into the house because they were supposed to be "the bad guys"- murderers or thieves or kidnappers. But the dreams always ended with them either forcing their way through or me struggling to bolt the door or me seeing them standing outside and being so scared that I'd accidentally let them in. Once in a dream, I had looked outside the window and seen a couple of them just looking up at the house and heading towards the front door and it was the worst nightmare; I had run to the door and leaned against it with all I could and pushed and pushed to close it but it wouldn't shut. I always wanted to close the door and, sometimes, the door would be open and I'd see a hand or a foot enter. I never got to see what happened afterwards- what happened when they made it in or if I ever just stayed safe. In real life, when the old-fashioned heavy metal door my house used to have got replaced by the prettier but lighter wooden and glass door we have now, I was terrified but I couldn't tell my parents about my stupid paranoia of the door always having to be strong and locked; as if the door is the ultimate protection. I still sort of have that but less now because hopefully I'm a little less insane.
 
This one is less nightmare. I wanted a dog once and had this dream of this adorable dog trying to run towards us and the dream was black and white or sepia toned [LOL yeah I just remember that] and there was this bridge that it couldn't cross. It kept running but it could never reach across the bridge and still I was happy because I had a dog but then it suddenly went colour and I blinked and the dog was gone.
 
I had this one more recently- like last year or two years ago. It was about rushing waterfalls and cliffs and I WAS A NINJA. Actually, I don't know if I was but I jumped from such high waterfalls and it was so free and refreshing but I landed on the rocks below so perfectly and I felt the force of it only in the air. I could feel the water and wind rushing. It's funny how easy it is in a dream but I wasn't scared at all and that is why I was convinced I was a ninja. I just kept going the like that the whole dream and it was cool and wet but when I woke up, it wasn't. It was a good dream.
 
Last week, I had what I imagine to be schizophrenia and I only realised it was what I had been dreaming about once I woke up but they were several hallucinations within a dream but sometimes I was crazily happy and sometimes so down. And all these happened in one dream- my contact lenses becoming jellyfish/octopuses as I tried to put them in and so many other Alice-In-Wonderland-esque things. I think it came from learning about it [slightly] in PE and watching Black Swan but all these weird things started happening that wasn't the norm of a dream because, in the dream, I would start screaming or crying or laughing at all my hallucinations and I would always yell at someone to help me because they weren't seeing what I was seeing and blaming them for not seeing it. I woke up feeling so sorry for the people who actually suffer from it- I think it's like being trapped in a nightmare.
 
Hopefully, you don't think I'm stranger than usual but I owe you guys a long post and most of these aren't that bad and I'm still trying to figure out a deeper meaning from them but I don't have one. Dreams are amazing things and it would be awesome to figure out how they work or more about where they come from.

Letter 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)


Dear Miss. Sarah Bak,

I am always lucky to have you my darling little sister. I would have no personality and life would be awfully boring without you. You are the only person that is legit effing hilarious and it has and always will be an honour having those epic and great moments every day and I would like to say that I had a part in who you've become but I think you did all that on your own :') I value your company very much. It'll be awesome seeing you grow up to look more and more like me LOL, you're FMLing about that but I'll have fun watching you suffer.

Yours spockly,

you're lame.

I wanted to do a post related to Sarah's latest post on her blog and formspring but I'm scared of sounding fake or saying everything that's been said before. I'll do it soon but I have to word it well and not ramble aimlessly like I usually do. Either way and in advance conclusion: Sarah, you have absolutely no reason to feel insecure like that. I don't know many people who are as brilliant and lovely as you and it's really saddening for a lot of us to think that you feel inadequate or not good enough because you're much beyond that and I hope you see and believe that soon.


Letter 3 — Your parents


Dear Mum and Dad,
 
Thank you. Any kid would be lucky to have parents who are even a fraction as great as you are and I can't even imagine how much self-sacrifice, hard work and patience would have had to come from you to bring about the childhood and life I'm having. Thank you for raising me to be me, thank you for introducing to me the values, morals and experiences I've had rather than forcing them onto me. Thank you for all the laughter and how you put us above yourselves without hesitation. I wish I didn't take you for granted and always wish to be a better daughter. You have never made me feel unwanted or unloved, you have never compared me or discouraged me and you have protected me against so many things I didn't even know of. Sarah and I have heard the stories from our grandparents about how much you loved us as when we were born and we know that nothing has changed. Thank you for all the happiness and love you have let us grow up in and for being the parents that we'll always turn to wherever we go. So often, I'm selfish and think I'm all grown up but you always let me figure out my own lessons. Thank you for spoiling us like crazy and yet not screwing us up. Haha thank you for literally never making me study or threaten me to be better but growing that desire in me anyway. I'd wish for every child to have parents like you and always cringe when I think of parents that aren't anything like you. You've given me so much.

I love you,

Your epic daughter who managed to write all this even though you probably won't read it.

PS. I promise I'll show you this someday.


& END NOTE, WOW LAST POST I DID LAST NIGHT, I POSTED EXACTLY ON 11:11- not a second above or below. AMAZING.

Hike was pretty awesome, I felt gross and exhausted like always but it was so nice just chilling and living. Days seem so much longer when you're away from everything and it's really beautiful out there. Also bonded with my tent buddies- it was strange because on the second night we realised we were all in different friendship groups at school but hike brought us together which was super duper corn, cheese but really lovely- so little shout out to Sophia, Maddie and Celeste <3 We soaked up each other's retardedness and observed each other dying, witnessed unpracticed hygiene habits and stayed up for like hours just planning a major sting attack/prank on the guys which didn't go ahead but it was fun planning it all the same- like a mission immersed in toilet paper and giggles. 99% no gossip and we were just little kids again; I'm really happy and warm about the great last few days I had. I feel like crying from having to go back to a place where we have to study for yearlies again and stress and become a part of it all. Really great time and it doesn't feel like it was only this morning that we were trying to HAIL DOWN A TRAIN in the beautifully scenic hole that is Wondabyne Station. I will upload photos tomorrow but honestly and obviously, they don't do the experience or the fun times justice.

SUUUUPER excited for hike tomorrow and getting there by taking a train with my grandparents [dad's side] because public transport dislikes me or I'm a noob, either one. Going to have a fun, picnic-like time because my grandparents [particularly my grandma] loves making a huge fuss out of outings and packs perfect lunchboxes and everything; lots of fun.

& the actual hike will be exciting, exhausting but all worth it, planning on taking lots of photos rather than writing about it.


Letter 2- Your crush

Whatevs, I was never stupid enough to have one of those.

Letter 1 — Your best friend


I have a few who I all love equally and hate to leave anyone out but obviously, I have to choose for the purpose of this letter. LOL this doesn't even have to be mysterious, HI SUREN. I don't really need to write a letter because I'll see you like next week but thank you for being such a wonderful friend, for all those hilarious and immature moments, being so loyal and nice, and never having a single serious fight, and you are honestly one of the strongest people I know. You have actual real world problems unlike some people in our grade who just like to make dramas and yet you're never selfish or seek attention and even some of your closest friends [including me] could never figure them out for a long time. Sorry I haven't tried to ask or become serious mode but I'm awkward at that stuff ! You & Michael have got to be one of the cutest couples I've ever seen and it's always a pleasure third-wheeling LOL. I couldn't imagine to have gone through some of the things you have and still you're so bubbly and happy and a tad bit insane all the time. So thank you for being you. I've been seriously lucky to know you and have you as a friend x (:

& because it's a letter.

Yours sincerely, the awesomest, geniusest, prettiest, amazingest, loveliest, farmoresuperiorthaneveryoneest person in the world, me :D


Letter 2 — Your crush

Letter 3 — Your parents

Letter 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)

Letter 5 — Your dreams

Letter 6 — A stranger

Letter 7 — Your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

Letter 8 — Your favorite internet friend

Letter 9 — Someone you wish you could meet

Letter 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

Letter 11 — A deceased person you wish you could talk to

Letter 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

Letter 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you

Letter 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from

Letter 15 — The person you miss the most

Letter 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country

Letter 17 — Someone from your childhood

Letter 18 — The person that you wish you could be

Letter 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad

Letter 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest

Letter 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression

Letter 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to

Letter 23 — The last person you kissed

Letter 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory

Letter 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times

Letter 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to

Letter 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day

Letter 28 — Someone that changed your life

Letter 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to

Letter 30 — Your reflection in the mirror