I miss feeling connected to people. I miss when I had something to do and something to look forward to. I miss when my parents and I hardly ever fought. I miss feeling like there were years and years of life ahead and even though there still is now, I miss the feeling of having some to spare. I miss the lack of guilt that springs from wasting them. I miss feeling care free. I miss being able to afford doing nothing. I miss when everything was in a bubble that I thought I could shape or pop whenever I felt like it. I miss when I could make friends easily and lose friends easily. I miss not caring. I kind of wonder if this is what happens to everyone even though, like me, they really didn't want this to happen. I feel judged whatever I do. Or maybe I should stop posting this late because it makes me sound empty when I'm not really. I'm so retarded. I need an actual personality. The lack of it is really starting to scare me.

Also, I remember I came up with a mind-blowing, incredibly witty quote yesterday but I can't remember it anymore.

I like hibiscuses and scratchy little cartoon drawings. I like water theme parks and beaches [who doesn't?]. I like fruit and chocolate, nothing too specific or mysterious.. you know, when people say they like a specific brand of something like perfume or drink, yeah, I think that's just to seem special. I like kids shows that don't let you get bored, no matter what age you are. I like compliments, whether they're true or not, but hate having to respond to them. I don't like confrontation but I want to be the type that can handle it without a problem. I like the idea of success but will probably waste it and mope around if I ever get my hands on it. I don't get all the hype about The Notebook, Alice In Wonderland or The Lion King. They're all sort of mediocre in my opinion. I love movies with clever or deep narration. I subconsciously love working towards something and will also subconsciously get hurt if I don't get something at the end of it. I never spill secrets- I choose to tell them- and it makes me feel worse admitting it but it's true. I'm not the biggest fan of animals and will neglect a pet but I like David Attenborough clips because everything in nature looks designed on purpose and it sort of confirms my belief that it is. My memory sometimes stuns me with its accuracy sometimes but, at other times, with its complete uselessness and inability. I don't think I really care about others as others do. I pretend not to judge people but I secretly do- mostly about their actions even though I'm a complete hypocrite. I follow a lot of things I don't really believe in. I like sleep but cannot sleep for long. I like food but cannot eat for long. I have never realistically put too much thought of me as an adult except that I want to be a doctor without owning too many cats. Yeah, I think the latter is more likely than the first. I have thought about going crazy and travelling heaps, having that fulfilled feeling you get after a hike or a holiday but then a really huge practical and sensible part of me told me I was being stupid. I will pretend not to hear you if you happen to say something that is awkward for me. I honestly don't know why I'm typing all this, are you even here ? Because if you are, I'm extremely impressed. Have a smile (: And some more rambling.. I'm fashion-lost, awkward in anything remotely girly or requiring confidence, but I like to think I have insight in other things which is probably not true anyway. I hate reputations and when people treat others differently but it can't be helped. Also, I legit look fat in my formal dress. Really, that's quite an accomplishment, making it all the way down here. I shall give you my nsg formal pictures [which I really ceebsed to talk about] as a reward. LOL, more punishment but I was going to post them anyway so might as well call it a reward.


Us Ruse chimers.



NSG kiddies are cool. Wish I remembered their names LOL.


Tiff's friend, Jess + Tiff & her lovely two dates.




This last one is us at Collaroy Peer Support Training camp, the days before the formal (: Didn't get chosen but it was a great camp.

Today, I told my mum to stop smiling so big and weirdly in the morning because someone was watching and her face sort of crumpled. I felt terrible and guilty for so long after that. I would've cried as I overanalysed and regretted saying something so despicable. That is, if I could cry. I should be happy that she's smiling in the first place. My mum deserves so much better. I hated myself the moment I said it. I should've just left her to smile.

It's like that with so many people lately. Maybe it's just an awkward teenage phase I'm going through or maybe I've just always pretended to be nice but I'm so mean without thinking and I can't help but think if I've accidentally hurt people with my words without even noticing. Don't think I'm weird because I know what I said to my mother doesn't sound like such a big deal but I can't believe I said that this morning and it wasn't really unusual, now I realise, I've been angrier and said much worse things than that but it was the first time I realised that I am actually a selfish and entirely ugly person. I hate hurting someone I love the most but it's like I can't stop myself. So, I tried to make it up and be cheerful and nice but it was really hard- as if I was forcing it. It happens when you don't think about anyone but yourself and that's been me lately.

And to some people, I honestly don't care anymore, I like most people but now, I don't want to have to effort to pretend to be talkative or quiet or anything for anyone anymore. I've lost the energy to pretend. I think that's a good thing (: And for the people I actually care about and hurt, like my family and friends, I'm guilty and I want to say sorry so much but I'm scared that I won't like whatever comes out of my mouth. I seriously can't live with my personality at the moment. It's like I'm bipolar. I'm learning though. It's a new experience, having to want to change yourself for the first time and realising that you have an effect on how someone feels. It sort of came from someone who I don't even know very well insulting me however they liked and expecting me to laugh along with them. It made me think if I was that person who insults others without thinking about how they feel or if I was that person who never talked about anything but themselves or that insanely obnoxious person who does both at the same time. So, I'm genuinely sorry if I've been like this in some way because I know I definitely owe a lot of people apologies and I will do a lot to make it up to you. When I say I've been feeling depressed or demotivated, it might have something to do with hating the way I'm acting or how disconnected I feel from everyone.

So, time to change myself and be who I am, just having a fun time along the way.

With that being said, got all the formal stuff sorted out [ebay dress, chyeaah, and shoes after shopping with mum and Sarah]. Dad came back from Chicago and his friend and adorable 6 year old daughter is coming from Korea to live in Australia for 2 years which I'm more excited for than formal and camp put together. Dad brought Sarah and I presents that cost actual money ! SHOCKHORROR. They were beautiful jewellry [I got an infinity sign necklace and earrings and Sarah got fairy shaped ones] and sportwatches.

Time to sleep. Good night, awesome reader who made it to the bottom of this completely disjointed, before-midnight rambling.

Today, went shoe shopping with Sarah and mum at Parramatta and finally got heels. The final end of formal shopping. I hate it and have fun on it at the same time but mostly just glad it's over. Now, pumped for camp and formals and everything. We went to Castle Towers to eat at Red Spoon Thai and Max Brenners [for the first time, what a magical experience]. We had Pad Thai, Pad see ew, lamb, beef salad, chocolate dip and chocolate marbles. Lovely and yummy. No, I'm not retarded or at least I think I'm not. Didn't get it checked out but I'm mostly sure I'm not. I really always need something to look forward to otherwise I get in a mopey state of total demotivation, devastation,..deappreciation? Nah, but commerce/maths has brought me to that state.

I'm sorry, making you read this even though I sort of have nothing to say. Have a good day, sir/madam.

My sister introduced me to these literal videos where they basically just say everything. You'll get it. So Awesome. But also incredibly genius. Okay, my sister's getting pissed at my unnecessary unending introduction because something so awesome doesn't need one.












http://www.sarahgibb.com/
http://sapergalleries.com/Gonsalves.html

Am very excited for today, just a relaxing Saturday. Can't say very much has happened except I've abandoned this pretty much for no reason. I'll post more regularly if you can bear my ever so empty-of-events life. What has happened? Mid high-school crisis, School Cert which was fun because school was bludged for 2 days, other schools get to finish after SC but gay ones like my own have to keep going and all this excitement over camp and formal which I'm really too indifferent for.

Today, went shopping with Michelle to try on many glittery shoes, long and weird and some pretty formal dresses, buy best friend necklaces because they looked like adorable soft serve cones, raving, embarrassing running and dancing in the shopping centre, pretzels, easyways, get distracted the whole way to Seduce and lots of fun reminiscing about how we acted exactly like when we were in year 8. Awesome times <3 (:

Letter 20- The one that broke your heart the hardest


There hasn't been someone like this and doubt there ever will be.

Everyday is so mediocre, so draining after doing nothing and I can't wait for something to look forward to. So far, I haven't found anything. I'm really not bothered with formal or anything so yes, high school mid-life crisis. I desperately need hobbies.

I miss feeling connected to people. I miss when I had something to do and something to look forward to. I miss when my parents and I hardly ever fought. I miss feeling like there were years and years of life ahead and even though there still is now, I miss the feeling of having some to spare. I miss the lack of guilt that springs from wasting them. I miss feeling care free. I miss being able to afford doing nothing. I miss when everything was in a bubble that I thought I could shape or pop whenever I felt like it. I miss when I could make friends easily and lose friends easily. I miss not caring. I kind of wonder if this is what happens to everyone even though, like me, they really didn't want this to happen. I feel judged whatever I do. Or maybe I should stop posting this late because it makes me sound empty when I'm not really. I'm so retarded. I need an actual personality. The lack of it is really starting to scare me.

Also, I remember I came up with a mind-blowing, incredibly witty quote yesterday but I can't remember it anymore.

I like hibiscuses and scratchy little cartoon drawings. I like water theme parks and beaches [who doesn't?]. I like fruit and chocolate, nothing too specific or mysterious.. you know, when people say they like a specific brand of something like perfume or drink, yeah, I think that's just to seem special. I like kids shows that don't let you get bored, no matter what age you are. I like compliments, whether they're true or not, but hate having to respond to them. I don't like confrontation but I want to be the type that can handle it without a problem. I like the idea of success but will probably waste it and mope around if I ever get my hands on it. I don't get all the hype about The Notebook, Alice In Wonderland or The Lion King. They're all sort of mediocre in my opinion. I love movies with clever or deep narration. I subconsciously love working towards something and will also subconsciously get hurt if I don't get something at the end of it. I never spill secrets- I choose to tell them- and it makes me feel worse admitting it but it's true. I'm not the biggest fan of animals and will neglect a pet but I like David Attenborough clips because everything in nature looks designed on purpose and it sort of confirms my belief that it is. My memory sometimes stuns me with its accuracy sometimes but, at other times, with its complete uselessness and inability. I don't think I really care about others as others do. I pretend not to judge people but I secretly do- mostly about their actions even though I'm a complete hypocrite. I follow a lot of things I don't really believe in. I like sleep but cannot sleep for long. I like food but cannot eat for long. I have never realistically put too much thought of me as an adult except that I want to be a doctor without owning too many cats. Yeah, I think the latter is more likely than the first. I have thought about going crazy and travelling heaps, having that fulfilled feeling you get after a hike or a holiday but then a really huge practical and sensible part of me told me I was being stupid. I will pretend not to hear you if you happen to say something that is awkward for me. I honestly don't know why I'm typing all this, are you even here ? Because if you are, I'm extremely impressed. Have a smile (: And some more rambling.. I'm fashion-lost, awkward in anything remotely girly or requiring confidence, but I like to think I have insight in other things which is probably not true anyway. I hate reputations and when people treat others differently but it can't be helped. Also, I legit look fat in my formal dress. Really, that's quite an accomplishment, making it all the way down here. I shall give you my nsg formal pictures [which I really ceebsed to talk about] as a reward. LOL, more punishment but I was going to post them anyway so might as well call it a reward.


Us Ruse chimers.



NSG kiddies are cool. Wish I remembered their names LOL.


Tiff's friend, Jess + Tiff & her lovely two dates.




This last one is us at Collaroy Peer Support Training camp, the days before the formal (: Didn't get chosen but it was a great camp.

Today, I told my mum to stop smiling so big and weirdly in the morning because someone was watching and her face sort of crumpled. I felt terrible and guilty for so long after that. I would've cried as I overanalysed and regretted saying something so despicable. That is, if I could cry. I should be happy that she's smiling in the first place. My mum deserves so much better. I hated myself the moment I said it. I should've just left her to smile.

It's like that with so many people lately. Maybe it's just an awkward teenage phase I'm going through or maybe I've just always pretended to be nice but I'm so mean without thinking and I can't help but think if I've accidentally hurt people with my words without even noticing. Don't think I'm weird because I know what I said to my mother doesn't sound like such a big deal but I can't believe I said that this morning and it wasn't really unusual, now I realise, I've been angrier and said much worse things than that but it was the first time I realised that I am actually a selfish and entirely ugly person. I hate hurting someone I love the most but it's like I can't stop myself. So, I tried to make it up and be cheerful and nice but it was really hard- as if I was forcing it. It happens when you don't think about anyone but yourself and that's been me lately.

And to some people, I honestly don't care anymore, I like most people but now, I don't want to have to effort to pretend to be talkative or quiet or anything for anyone anymore. I've lost the energy to pretend. I think that's a good thing (: And for the people I actually care about and hurt, like my family and friends, I'm guilty and I want to say sorry so much but I'm scared that I won't like whatever comes out of my mouth. I seriously can't live with my personality at the moment. It's like I'm bipolar. I'm learning though. It's a new experience, having to want to change yourself for the first time and realising that you have an effect on how someone feels. It sort of came from someone who I don't even know very well insulting me however they liked and expecting me to laugh along with them. It made me think if I was that person who insults others without thinking about how they feel or if I was that person who never talked about anything but themselves or that insanely obnoxious person who does both at the same time. So, I'm genuinely sorry if I've been like this in some way because I know I definitely owe a lot of people apologies and I will do a lot to make it up to you. When I say I've been feeling depressed or demotivated, it might have something to do with hating the way I'm acting or how disconnected I feel from everyone.

So, time to change myself and be who I am, just having a fun time along the way.

With that being said, got all the formal stuff sorted out [ebay dress, chyeaah, and shoes after shopping with mum and Sarah]. Dad came back from Chicago and his friend and adorable 6 year old daughter is coming from Korea to live in Australia for 2 years which I'm more excited for than formal and camp put together. Dad brought Sarah and I presents that cost actual money ! SHOCKHORROR. They were beautiful jewellry [I got an infinity sign necklace and earrings and Sarah got fairy shaped ones] and sportwatches.

Time to sleep. Good night, awesome reader who made it to the bottom of this completely disjointed, before-midnight rambling.

Today, went shoe shopping with Sarah and mum at Parramatta and finally got heels. The final end of formal shopping. I hate it and have fun on it at the same time but mostly just glad it's over. Now, pumped for camp and formals and everything. We went to Castle Towers to eat at Red Spoon Thai and Max Brenners [for the first time, what a magical experience]. We had Pad Thai, Pad see ew, lamb, beef salad, chocolate dip and chocolate marbles. Lovely and yummy. No, I'm not retarded or at least I think I'm not. Didn't get it checked out but I'm mostly sure I'm not. I really always need something to look forward to otherwise I get in a mopey state of total demotivation, devastation,..deappreciation? Nah, but commerce/maths has brought me to that state.

I'm sorry, making you read this even though I sort of have nothing to say. Have a good day, sir/madam.

My sister introduced me to these literal videos where they basically just say everything. You'll get it. So Awesome. But also incredibly genius. Okay, my sister's getting pissed at my unnecessary unending introduction because something so awesome doesn't need one.












http://www.sarahgibb.com/
http://sapergalleries.com/Gonsalves.html

Am very excited for today, just a relaxing Saturday. Can't say very much has happened except I've abandoned this pretty much for no reason. I'll post more regularly if you can bear my ever so empty-of-events life. What has happened? Mid high-school crisis, School Cert which was fun because school was bludged for 2 days, other schools get to finish after SC but gay ones like my own have to keep going and all this excitement over camp and formal which I'm really too indifferent for.

Today, went shopping with Michelle to try on many glittery shoes, long and weird and some pretty formal dresses, buy best friend necklaces because they looked like adorable soft serve cones, raving, embarrassing running and dancing in the shopping centre, pretzels, easyways, get distracted the whole way to Seduce and lots of fun reminiscing about how we acted exactly like when we were in year 8. Awesome times <3 (:

Letter 20- The one that broke your heart the hardest


There hasn't been someone like this and doubt there ever will be.

Everyday is so mediocre, so draining after doing nothing and I can't wait for something to look forward to. So far, I haven't found anything. I'm really not bothered with formal or anything so yes, high school mid-life crisis. I desperately need hobbies.