I was trying to study today & getting distracted, wasting time, kicking myself for it. It seems so simple to me, having what I want, I know it means a long & difficult but ultimately obvious path. I never talk about these things in real life. I never really tell anyone what I want & what I'll do to get it- I usually just whine about how I'm not good enough & how I'm really not getting anywhere- but the thing is, I've always been thinking deeper than that & planning further than just whatever's next. I never live in the moment, pretty much. It's like I'm struggling to keep control of my life [one that hasn't even started yet] by keeping the things that matter most too close to me. I lie about being so blindly happy with what I have but I genuinely know that it's just that moment. It's just to bluntly say that I'm unproductive & don't want to be, I feel selfish & always feel as if I'm hiding something when I'm not at all, there are a lot of things I don't say out loud, I'm cut off from everything & everyone lately, times when I feel like I'm not even there, so I enjoy the things that distract me & I'm stuck. If I knew a person like myself, I would get really annoyed at them.

But this post isn't really about my passing mood & status. It's about how my endless insecurities & non-existent problems that mean absolutely nothing are blocking the big picture. Because in the big picture, everything we know & all the history that's ever happened is nothing- not a measurable moment in the context of eternity. I was reading the Bible in church when the sermon was in Korean about a different passage but I couldn't really understand it so I just flipped the Bible open to a random chapter. It landed on Job. If you don't know, the chapter of Job is about a man named Job who gets everything that he has taken away from him [his family, riches, anything he has ever been proud of or been grateful for] but through all his suffering, he praises God. God allows Satan to put Job to the test & everything he has been building to & everyone he loves is lost but he stays strong in God. To non-Christians, this might appear to be just a fairytale with a moral but the truth is that we're all always under a constant test, whether we see it or not, whether we believe it or not. A test I don't think I could ever measure up to; especially as I've never suffered despite my frustrations & my attitude lately. Sometimes, God shows you what you need, even when you don't know what you're looking for, & that is infinitely more helpful than a forced sermon. So this part of the passage really spoke to me & put me in my place.

Job 4: 17-21

17 'Can a mortal be more righteous than God? Can a man be more pure than his Maker? 18 If God places no trust in his servants, if he charges his angels with error, 19 how much more those who live in houses of clay, whose foundations are in the dust, who are crushed more readily than a moth! 20 Between dawn and dusk they are broken to pieces; unnoticed, they perish forever. 21 Are not the cords of their tent pulled up, so that they die without wisdom?'

So the conclusion for me is that I am worth nothing alone but I insist on putting myself on a pedestal & think that anything I feel or think is even worth hiding. Everything disappears one day so what am I living for? Everything we idolize & work so hard for will eventually be worn down, be left behind, & end up washed up on another beach. Even after I've cared this much & kicked myself for not trying this much or I have tried & succeeded, after I've gotten a job & a family, after I've laughed, cried, shouted, after I've thought, talked, cared about what others might think or say, after I've felt guilt, anger, loss, after I've gained wealth & a house, after I've thought myself so important & my relationships with others so important that I feel the need to tell or hide, after I retire & look back on the good & bad times & treasure the things I've stored, maybe even enjoy them, after I've lived, what will I be standing in front of God with to offer if not a few empty shells?

I was trying to study today & getting distracted, wasting time, kicking myself for it. It seems so simple to me, having what I want, I know it means a long & difficult but ultimately obvious path. I never talk about these things in real life. I never really tell anyone what I want & what I'll do to get it- I usually just whine about how I'm not good enough & how I'm really not getting anywhere- but the thing is, I've always been thinking deeper than that & planning further than just whatever's next. I never live in the moment, pretty much. It's like I'm struggling to keep control of my life [one that hasn't even started yet] by keeping the things that matter most too close to me. I lie about being so blindly happy with what I have but I genuinely know that it's just that moment. It's just to bluntly say that I'm unproductive & don't want to be, I feel selfish & always feel as if I'm hiding something when I'm not at all, there are a lot of things I don't say out loud, I'm cut off from everything & everyone lately, times when I feel like I'm not even there, so I enjoy the things that distract me & I'm stuck. If I knew a person like myself, I would get really annoyed at them.

But this post isn't really about my passing mood & status. It's about how my endless insecurities & non-existent problems that mean absolutely nothing are blocking the big picture. Because in the big picture, everything we know & all the history that's ever happened is nothing- not a measurable moment in the context of eternity. I was reading the Bible in church when the sermon was in Korean about a different passage but I couldn't really understand it so I just flipped the Bible open to a random chapter. It landed on Job. If you don't know, the chapter of Job is about a man named Job who gets everything that he has taken away from him [his family, riches, anything he has ever been proud of or been grateful for] but through all his suffering, he praises God. God allows Satan to put Job to the test & everything he has been building to & everyone he loves is lost but he stays strong in God. To non-Christians, this might appear to be just a fairytale with a moral but the truth is that we're all always under a constant test, whether we see it or not, whether we believe it or not. A test I don't think I could ever measure up to; especially as I've never suffered despite my frustrations & my attitude lately. Sometimes, God shows you what you need, even when you don't know what you're looking for, & that is infinitely more helpful than a forced sermon. So this part of the passage really spoke to me & put me in my place.

Job 4: 17-21

17 'Can a mortal be more righteous than God? Can a man be more pure than his Maker? 18 If God places no trust in his servants, if he charges his angels with error, 19 how much more those who live in houses of clay, whose foundations are in the dust, who are crushed more readily than a moth! 20 Between dawn and dusk they are broken to pieces; unnoticed, they perish forever. 21 Are not the cords of their tent pulled up, so that they die without wisdom?'

So the conclusion for me is that I am worth nothing alone but I insist on putting myself on a pedestal & think that anything I feel or think is even worth hiding. Everything disappears one day so what am I living for? Everything we idolize & work so hard for will eventually be worn down, be left behind, & end up washed up on another beach. Even after I've cared this much & kicked myself for not trying this much or I have tried & succeeded, after I've gotten a job & a family, after I've laughed, cried, shouted, after I've thought, talked, cared about what others might think or say, after I've felt guilt, anger, loss, after I've gained wealth & a house, after I've thought myself so important & my relationships with others so important that I feel the need to tell or hide, after I retire & look back on the good & bad times & treasure the things I've stored, maybe even enjoy them, after I've lived, what will I be standing in front of God with to offer if not a few empty shells?