Nothing feels worth it anymore. It's an ugly feeling.

But on another note, some things do bring smiles like family, friends & that feeling you get when you realise someone trusts you. Some things I've thought of questioning recently. Like how we consider things like sleeping & smiling in photos normal but if it wasn't the usual thing to do, we'd think it was the strangest thing. Before cameras existed, who would think that we'd pose & smile just to look better in a picture & only for that picture. As for sleep, this tumblr post says it all:

People say, ‘I’m going to sleep now,’ as if it were nothing. But it’s really a bizarre activity. ‘For the next several hours, while the sun is gone, I’m going to become unconscious, temporarily losing command over everything I know and understand. When the sun returns, I will resume my life.’ If you didn’t know what sleep was, and you had only seen it in a science fiction movie, you would think it was weird and tell all your friends about the movie you’d seen. They had these people, you know? And they would walk around all day and be OK? And then, once a day, usually after dark, they would lie down on these special platforms and become unconscious. They would stop functioning almost completely, except deep in their minds they would have adventures and experiences that were completely impossible in real life. As they lay there, completely vulnerable to their enemies, their only movements were to occasionally shift from one position to another; or, if one of the ‘mind adventures’ got too real, they would sit up and scream and be glad they weren’t unconscious anymore. Then they would drink a lot of coffee.’ So, next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you’re in a science fiction movie. And whisper, ‘The creature is regenerating itself.






Neglecting my blog quite a bit but..

Last Saturday was my grandpa [on my dad's side] 80th birthday so we went to Cyren restaurant at Darling Harbour & had lots of delicious, overpriced seafood. My cousin, James, couldn't stop eating the ribs & Sarah on my other side couldn't stop eating the mussels. So I was stuck between two fatasses & just took photos. During the week, I thought about a lot of things because of one thing happening that shouldn't have affected me technically but it did &, while making me sad, it taught me to appreciate what I have more. I couldn't imagine what would happen if any sort of tragedy hit me. I would never be as strong.

Other than that, I don't really remember but it was all sort of hazy. Nothing significant except talking to someone very special recently & drowning in homework which I should be doing now. Also, beautiful people & musical auditions which was, of course, fail for me but what I regret most was not being able to stay to listen to everyone else.

I always feel like I'm waiting for the day to pass so I can have a fresh new start tomorrow, just half-hearting everything & barely making it through the day. It's such a simple mind-set but it just means I'm wasting everything I have. I need more focus & more fun. I need a hobby but I don't need a distraction. I need motivation but I don't need someone to tell me what to do. It's like a cycle of small bursts of momentary fun but, in the end, having accomplished nothing. So, I'm wanting to give those small bursts up for the greater happiness at the end- like that truly fulfilled feeling after having sacrificed a bit. Which leads me to think that maybe everything is in balance. We take what we give- in our time & effort at least. I always need to be working towards something. But something that makes me ashamed most of all is that I've just been talking about myself through this whole post. I really need to be less selfish. Also, I need to join up these short sentences.

A lottttt has happened thios week but I'll really only just skim over it.

1) SWIMMING CARNIVAL. JONES GOT THRASHED BUT IT WAS SO FUN, just forcing everyone to swim & stressing while randomly getting water guns sprayed around & Pikachu & panda bear mascots just hanging around. Also, got a cat whisker tan from using Japanese permo [which probably had zinc in it apparently] my face fully tanned except where the marker was used & being laughed at all week is a rather..unpleasant experience I do not wish on anyone LOL. It was so fun, giving out lollies for the fun of it & Rachel & Jess both bribing & forcing other people to put Rassack and Toft on their arms, tsktsk. In addition to that, got my house captain badge [it's ugly] but seeing how Jones lost, we were also publicly humiliated ahaha.

2) I HATE YEAR 11. I love the people in it to bits but I hate the work. I haven't slept properly all week. Enough said, don't want to darken this happy place with thoughts of chem, oh & phys, & bio, & maths, &eng, & chem again, & phys &.. Like I've been saying all week, TAFE carpentry, here I come (Y)

3) Did eat at "The Little Snail" on  Sunday with my family. It was so delicious- entre was duck liver, snails & seafood soup, mains were duck, beef tenderloin & prawn linguine & dessert was so yummy [hazelnut ice cream, creme caramel & date pudding]. We had no time to talk, everything was just about the food & it was perfect. SO SCRUMPTIOUS.

4) Hee Soo's family bought dinner for the whole family, as in the relatives & my grandparents & everything, at Red Spoon Thai. James, Hee Soo, Sarah & I bought ice cream [my gosh, chocolate cookie dough ice cream <3] & acted like little kids just to entertain Hee Soo but we had so much fun. We went back to her apartment & played hide & seek & with James' ipad, took those photos where there's a bomb dropping on you in stimulation after taking a photo- superfun. I really wish I was back at that age because it just hit me that you can never go back, obviously but actually thinking that the only way to go is forward is really saddening. I was really proud of James & Sarah because I always thought of them as my baby sister & baby cousin but now, next to Hee Soo, they seem so old & responsible & it's sort of a :') moment for me but really saddening as well that others have to go forward too.

5) FUN EPPING LIBRARY TIMES AS USUAL, the way the nerds do it ;)

6) I really love the newbies at Ruse, I thought I'd be indifferent to them but they bring a new sort of bright that we get every year at Ruse in new people but this time, it's like 35 of them so it's a major change but really lovely at the same time.

I can't say much else although I'm sure there's a lot, so busy & tired & purposeless all at the same time these days. As well as loving the moments in between when I'm having fun, especially since friends & friends are always there. Rain, sun & everything in between actually. So I suppose, in general, I'm very happy.

Funny how my sweet 16th was bittersweet because I loved the people & their sweet presents & cards & hated the rain. I loved getting to eat things before tutoring & the friends who sang a public display of the birthday song in the middle of the Strathfield food court & hated the actual tutoring. I loved how my Mum picked me up & bought me viet food & chocolate for the chocolate fondue & hated the argument we had about nothing in particular on the way home. I hated eating dinner angrily because of this & loved my sister for hugging me & making jokes anyway & then my Mum for reconciling the fight. I hated how my Dad couldn't be there because he was in a meeting in Melbourne but loved the chocolate fondue & all the facebook birthday wishes that made me feel all warm inside. See what I mean? There's a common theme of family, friends & food in this. I wouldn't change any of it for the world.

Nothing feels worth it anymore. It's an ugly feeling.

But on another note, some things do bring smiles like family, friends & that feeling you get when you realise someone trusts you. Some things I've thought of questioning recently. Like how we consider things like sleeping & smiling in photos normal but if it wasn't the usual thing to do, we'd think it was the strangest thing. Before cameras existed, who would think that we'd pose & smile just to look better in a picture & only for that picture. As for sleep, this tumblr post says it all:

People say, ‘I’m going to sleep now,’ as if it were nothing. But it’s really a bizarre activity. ‘For the next several hours, while the sun is gone, I’m going to become unconscious, temporarily losing command over everything I know and understand. When the sun returns, I will resume my life.’ If you didn’t know what sleep was, and you had only seen it in a science fiction movie, you would think it was weird and tell all your friends about the movie you’d seen. They had these people, you know? And they would walk around all day and be OK? And then, once a day, usually after dark, they would lie down on these special platforms and become unconscious. They would stop functioning almost completely, except deep in their minds they would have adventures and experiences that were completely impossible in real life. As they lay there, completely vulnerable to their enemies, their only movements were to occasionally shift from one position to another; or, if one of the ‘mind adventures’ got too real, they would sit up and scream and be glad they weren’t unconscious anymore. Then they would drink a lot of coffee.’ So, next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you’re in a science fiction movie. And whisper, ‘The creature is regenerating itself.






Neglecting my blog quite a bit but..

Last Saturday was my grandpa [on my dad's side] 80th birthday so we went to Cyren restaurant at Darling Harbour & had lots of delicious, overpriced seafood. My cousin, James, couldn't stop eating the ribs & Sarah on my other side couldn't stop eating the mussels. So I was stuck between two fatasses & just took photos. During the week, I thought about a lot of things because of one thing happening that shouldn't have affected me technically but it did &, while making me sad, it taught me to appreciate what I have more. I couldn't imagine what would happen if any sort of tragedy hit me. I would never be as strong.

Other than that, I don't really remember but it was all sort of hazy. Nothing significant except talking to someone very special recently & drowning in homework which I should be doing now. Also, beautiful people & musical auditions which was, of course, fail for me but what I regret most was not being able to stay to listen to everyone else.

I always feel like I'm waiting for the day to pass so I can have a fresh new start tomorrow, just half-hearting everything & barely making it through the day. It's such a simple mind-set but it just means I'm wasting everything I have. I need more focus & more fun. I need a hobby but I don't need a distraction. I need motivation but I don't need someone to tell me what to do. It's like a cycle of small bursts of momentary fun but, in the end, having accomplished nothing. So, I'm wanting to give those small bursts up for the greater happiness at the end- like that truly fulfilled feeling after having sacrificed a bit. Which leads me to think that maybe everything is in balance. We take what we give- in our time & effort at least. I always need to be working towards something. But something that makes me ashamed most of all is that I've just been talking about myself through this whole post. I really need to be less selfish. Also, I need to join up these short sentences.

A lottttt has happened thios week but I'll really only just skim over it.

1) SWIMMING CARNIVAL. JONES GOT THRASHED BUT IT WAS SO FUN, just forcing everyone to swim & stressing while randomly getting water guns sprayed around & Pikachu & panda bear mascots just hanging around. Also, got a cat whisker tan from using Japanese permo [which probably had zinc in it apparently] my face fully tanned except where the marker was used & being laughed at all week is a rather..unpleasant experience I do not wish on anyone LOL. It was so fun, giving out lollies for the fun of it & Rachel & Jess both bribing & forcing other people to put Rassack and Toft on their arms, tsktsk. In addition to that, got my house captain badge [it's ugly] but seeing how Jones lost, we were also publicly humiliated ahaha.

2) I HATE YEAR 11. I love the people in it to bits but I hate the work. I haven't slept properly all week. Enough said, don't want to darken this happy place with thoughts of chem, oh & phys, & bio, & maths, &eng, & chem again, & phys &.. Like I've been saying all week, TAFE carpentry, here I come (Y)

3) Did eat at "The Little Snail" on  Sunday with my family. It was so delicious- entre was duck liver, snails & seafood soup, mains were duck, beef tenderloin & prawn linguine & dessert was so yummy [hazelnut ice cream, creme caramel & date pudding]. We had no time to talk, everything was just about the food & it was perfect. SO SCRUMPTIOUS.

4) Hee Soo's family bought dinner for the whole family, as in the relatives & my grandparents & everything, at Red Spoon Thai. James, Hee Soo, Sarah & I bought ice cream [my gosh, chocolate cookie dough ice cream <3] & acted like little kids just to entertain Hee Soo but we had so much fun. We went back to her apartment & played hide & seek & with James' ipad, took those photos where there's a bomb dropping on you in stimulation after taking a photo- superfun. I really wish I was back at that age because it just hit me that you can never go back, obviously but actually thinking that the only way to go is forward is really saddening. I was really proud of James & Sarah because I always thought of them as my baby sister & baby cousin but now, next to Hee Soo, they seem so old & responsible & it's sort of a :') moment for me but really saddening as well that others have to go forward too.

5) FUN EPPING LIBRARY TIMES AS USUAL, the way the nerds do it ;)

6) I really love the newbies at Ruse, I thought I'd be indifferent to them but they bring a new sort of bright that we get every year at Ruse in new people but this time, it's like 35 of them so it's a major change but really lovely at the same time.

I can't say much else although I'm sure there's a lot, so busy & tired & purposeless all at the same time these days. As well as loving the moments in between when I'm having fun, especially since friends & friends are always there. Rain, sun & everything in between actually. So I suppose, in general, I'm very happy.

Funny how my sweet 16th was bittersweet because I loved the people & their sweet presents & cards & hated the rain. I loved getting to eat things before tutoring & the friends who sang a public display of the birthday song in the middle of the Strathfield food court & hated the actual tutoring. I loved how my Mum picked me up & bought me viet food & chocolate for the chocolate fondue & hated the argument we had about nothing in particular on the way home. I hated eating dinner angrily because of this & loved my sister for hugging me & making jokes anyway & then my Mum for reconciling the fight. I hated how my Dad couldn't be there because he was in a meeting in Melbourne but loved the chocolate fondue & all the facebook birthday wishes that made me feel all warm inside. See what I mean? There's a common theme of family, friends & food in this. I wouldn't change any of it for the world.