Saturday, January 26, 2013
The future [well, kind of]
I was going to recount holidays but I procrastinated too much with that so I can barely remember anything. Instead, I thought I'd do something else.So, upon stalking other blogs, I see a trend of posts about the future up until probably getting into the course that you want. So, without further ado, MY TURN. :D
This is going to sound terribly cliche but I've literally never wanted to be anything else but a doctor [until very recently]. & somehow, my reasons to become a doctor now are no different than those I had 15 years ago. There is nothing else to do. This might sound like a really thoughtless & stupid answer but to go on from that, it's not like I haven't thought about other career paths & there are, of course, a lot more that will give you more freedom, time & financial reward. But, for me at least, I can't think of anything better to do with my life. You only get one life here on Earth & you know that you want to spend each day to the very full & working as hard as you can. To become completely immersed in people's lives, the good & the bad, to deal with improving, preserving & even saving lives. It's special & it seems really rewarding. That is my only worthy reason.
But, lately, I've been doubting whether I can get in. &, as a result, questioned whether I even have the willpower or capacity to handle it even if I do make it. I know that my Dad seems so cool & collected all the time but Mum told us how he failed his specialist exam twice before finally making it. There were points along his training where he literally just wanted to give up & become a cleaner [LOL] & really only started making decent money after my sister was born. It made me think realistically about the sort of life I wanted 10 years from now, especially seeing as [hopefully] I won't be the breadwinner. Thing is, I don't want to be still having to sit exams & going through multiple HSCs at that point in my life. I started to have a million doubts & questions about the quality of life I wanted. For example, I don't get to see my Dad till pretty late at night & on Sundays even though he's at that consultant stage where he barely does anything really rigorous. I think I would've been raised as a pretty neglected child had Mum not given up her career. So the self-doubt to do well academically turned into questions about what I actually wanted. Thus, why I considered things like dentistry instead.
I told my Dad about it & he told me to stop making excuses for myself. He knew what I really wanted & what I would really enjoy & what is really worthwhile. He pretty much said that even though he's a pretty successful specialist, there were probably heaps more dentists or businessmen who make a lot more than him & work a lot less than him but he still didn't want that for me. It wasn't the typical Asian-father "you must become doctor" talk. It was kind of his warning that you can't go into any field for the security of it. His words, you have to "stumble" into it. No one knows what it means to be anything until they actually get there, no matter the years or amount of work it takes. That being said, I'm still pretty turned off about some lifestyle aspects of it & the fact that everyone I know seems to want to do it without having any idea what it involves. I don't either so I feel like I'm alone in being the one who wants to question why. I actually feel alone in that. I'm sorry for the lack of eloquence in that paragraph, I was trying to sum up a long inspiring speech without using quotation marks :L
Either way, I'm more realistic about my career choices now. There are so many options. Ruse people seriously don't realise that, academically at least, the world is their oyster. I truly wish everyone the best of luck. I hope you all find what you want to do & go for it.
Now what kind of future post would this be without the topic of marriage ? I went to a wedding at church today for this couple that I've seen around but don't personally know. I watched them grinning like mad when they put on the rings, the bride's beautiful dress & veil & just the loveliness of it all. I really love weddings [especially the reception, my gosh, the food was good] but reckon marriages must be really tiring & boring. I'm not a marriage cynic or whatever because my parents are perfectly happy & I personally haven't really been exposed to dysfunctional marriages/relationships. However, I just can't see myself in one. It would never work. It reminds me of a conversation that we had one or two years ago, lying on the school field. This isn't exactly what was said, it was just snippets of what I remember, some exaggeration may occur.
Suren: My ideal guy would be thoughtful, caring, sensitive, sweet -fill in more cheesy adjectives-
- rest of us look at her-
Rae: Hmmm, I don't care. As long as he's hot.
Me: Dude, screw that. He has to be rich..
Ding: ...ditto.
Suren: what the hell, why are you guys so shallow :L
This may possibly be the reason why Suren is the only one of us who isn't forever alone. I've been raised as a brat which is why it would be extremely difficult for me to be selfless enough to be willing to sacrifice & commit to something like a marriage. It's a huge mystery. Disclaimer: I still want a wedding, just not a marriage. kthxbai. HAHA such a superficial post.
Nah, all jokes aside, I don't know why the future outside of school seems scary. I don't know why growing up seems scary but it terrifies me. It feels like childhood shouldn't be gone already but it's slipping away, I think. Just a year to go really.
Anyway, for all those that said I owed them a post. You're welcome.
Friday, January 18, 2013
The Egg
You were on your way home when you died.
It was a car accident. Nothing particularly remarkable, but fatal nonetheless. You left behind a wife and two children. It was a painless death. The EMTs tried their best to save you, but to no avail. Your body was so utterly shattered you were better off, trust me.
And that’s when you met me.
“What… what happened?” You asked. “Where am I?”
“You died,” I said, matter-of-factly. No point in mincing words.
“There was a… a truck and it was skidding…”
“Yup,” I said.
“I… I died?”
“Yup. But don’t feel bad about it. Everyone dies,” I said.
You looked around. There was nothingness. Just you and me. “What is this place?” You asked. “Is this the afterlife?”
“More or less,” I said.
“Are you god?” You asked.
“Yup,” I replied. “I’m God.”
“My kids… my wife,” you said.
“What about them?”
“Will they be all right?”
“That’s what I like to see,” I said. “You just died and your main concern is for your family. That’s good stuff right there.”
You looked at me with fascination. To you, I didn’t look like God. I just looked like some man. Or possibly a woman. Some vague authority figure, maybe. More of a grammar school teacher than the almighty.
“Don’t worry,” I said. “They’ll be fine. Your kids will remember you as perfect in every way. They didn’t have time to grow contempt for you. Your wife will cry on the outside, but will be secretly relieved. To be fair, your marriage was falling apart. If it’s any consolation, she’ll feel very guilty for feeling relieved.”
“Oh,” you said. “So what happens now? Do I go to heaven or hell or something?”
“Neither,” I said. “You’ll be reincarnated.”
“Ah,” you said. “So the Hindus were right,”
“All religions are right in their own way,” I said. “Walk with me.”
You followed along as we strode through the void. “Where are we going?”
“Nowhere in particular,” I said. “It’s just nice to walk while we talk.”
“So what’s the point, then?” You asked. “When I get reborn, I’ll just be a blank slate, right? A baby. So all my experiences and everything I did in this life won’t matter.”
“Not so!” I said. “You have within you all the knowledge and experiences of all your past lives. You just don’t remember them right now.”
I stopped walking and took you by the shoulders. “Your soul is more magnificent, beautiful, and gigantic than you can possibly imagine. A human mind can only contain a tiny fraction of what you are. It’s like sticking your finger in a glass of water to see if it’s hot or cold. You put a tiny part of yourself into the vessel, and when you bring it back out, you’ve gained all the experiences it had.
“You’ve been in a human for the last 48 years, so you haven’t stretched out yet and felt the rest of your immense consciousness. If we hung out here for long enough, you’d start remembering everything. But there’s no point to doing that between each life.”
“How many times have I been reincarnated, then?”
“Oh lots. Lots and lots. An in to lots of different lives.” I said. “This time around, you’ll be a Chinese peasant girl in 540 AD.”
“Wait, what?” You stammered. “You’re sending me back in time?”
“Well, I guess technically. Time, as you know it, only exists in your universe. Things are different where I come from.”
“Where you come from?” You said.
“Oh sure,” I explained “I come from somewhere. Somewhere else. And there are others like me. I know you’ll want to know what it’s like there, but honestly you wouldn’t understand.”
“Oh,” you said, a little let down. “But wait. If I get reincarnated to other places in time, I could have interacted with myself at some point.”
“Sure. Happens all the time. And with both lives only aware of their own lifespan you don’t even know it’s happening.”
“So what’s the point of it all?”
“Seriously?” I asked. “Seriously? You’re asking me for the meaning of life? Isn’t that a little stereotypical?”
“Well it’s a reasonable question,” you persisted.
I looked you in the eye. “The meaning of life, the reason I made this whole universe, is for you to mature.”
“You mean mankind? You want us to mature?”
“No, just you. I made this whole universe for you. With each new life you grow and mature and become a larger and greater intellect.”
“Just me? What about everyone else?”
“There is no one else,” I said. “In this universe, there’s just you and me.”
You stared blankly at me. “But all the people on earth…”
“All you. Different incarnations of you.”
“Wait. I’m everyone!?”
“Now you’re getting it,” I said, with a congratulatory slap on the back.
“I’m every human being who ever lived?”
“Or who will ever live, yes.”
“I’m Abraham Lincoln?”
“And you’re John Wilkes Booth, too,” I added.
“I’m Hitler?” You said, appalled.
“And you’re the millions he killed.”
“I’m Jesus?”
“And you’re everyone who followed him.”
You fell silent.
“Every time you victimized someone,” I said, “you were victimizing yourself. Every act of kindness you’ve done, you’ve done to yourself. Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by any human was, or will be, experienced by you.”
You thought for a long time.
“Why?” You asked me. “Why do all this?”
“Because someday, you will become like me. Because that’s what you are. You’re one of my kind. You’re my child.”
“Whoa,” you said, incredulous. “You mean I’m a god?”
“No. Not yet. You’re a fetus. You’re still growing. Once you’ve lived every human life throughout all time, you will have grown enough to be born.”
“So the whole universe,” you said, “it’s just…”
“An egg.” I answered. “Now it’s time for you to move on to your next life.”
And I sent you on your way.
Friday, January 11, 2013
A day of celebration
I'm about to cry of happiness..MY INTERNET IS BACKKKKKKK. YESSSSSSS.
also watched Les Mis with my sister & mum & WOW, people weren't joking. Completely struck by it but I didn't even know what it was before I watched it so bandwagoning hahaha. SO GOOD.
LOLOL TROLL POST, LATERS :P
